Is my my boyfriend cheating or am I being jealous ?

[Sophie537]

I (19) have been with my bf (22) for a little less then a year. It’s my first real relationship and Ive been struggling with insecurity about our relationship, even though he’s very supportive and reassuring . He also has many friends that are girls, which truly doesn’t bother me, however this situation is different.
This girl and him used to be friends before we got together, but they lost touch and he has talked very badly about her to me (like as in he despises her, no one likes her) . A couple months ago they rekindled their friendship and started texting a lot. I trust him wholeheartedly and I don’t think he’d ever actually cheat however him building this close of a connection during our relationship is making me overthink and spiral a lot.
The main things that bothers me the things he’s saying and doing don’t match up, like he says he only talks to her because he feels bad for her, and she’s the one initiating conversation. However I know from the texts popping up on his phone that’s it’s him who is talking to her. So it’s more the fact that I feel he’s being dishonest which makes me uncomfortable and question why he’s trying to downplay their friendship.
I brought this up to him, how I didn’t want to be possessive but how uncomfortable I felt. He offered no contact with her but I didn’t want to forbid from him having friends because of my insecurities. I just asked if he could stop texting her all the time, like he was doing before, hoping that would help. And it did, I still sometimes got triggered by it but was able to control it.
Today he texted me a lot less then usual, and when we talked in the evening, he was being weird about what he had spend his day doing. When I started questioning it he admitted he’d met with her for dinner and didn’t tell me because he knew how I’d react
When he didn’t text me I had started overthinking , but tried to calm myself down and now my anxious thoughts have actually been proven right as he was lying to me.
What’s very important is that I mentioned in several conversations that I didn’t want him to hide things from me because that would make me lose my trust for him and make the situation much worse.
Im very confused right now and seriously need help: Am I just to anxious and jealous to be in a healthy relationship, or is he crossing a boundary of mine

I wouldn’t waste your energy on this relationship, time to move on.

I think it is quite a weird move on his part to act like that. Also, the fact that he is doing opposite things to what he says (he hates her but talk a lot, he is going to talk less but he goes to have dinner with her...) sounds weird, so I get the feeling.

Still, there could be reasons: he could be a bit of a people pleaser (you need to see that in other friendships though) or he might had feelings for her in the past and he is navigating a new phase with. It might be pity, but I think taking cheating out of the table is unwise.

Do you have contact with other friends of him? Better if they are girls (boys usually civer boys backs), even better if they just know him tangentially and have frequented the same spaces as he and this girl did in the past.

I think there is a story there you don't know about. Asking around might seem like a lot, but at this point I think is justified.

I'm not a jealous person at all, but I would not be happy if my partner went out for dinner with a woman, just the two of them, and I only found out afterwards. It's ok to have boundaries OP.

He could be cheating but separate to that your thinking is not healthy so you could work on that, no one can make you feel anything

You've done a good job tuning in to your instincts, OP. You've observed bf's behaviour; you haven't ignored it or excused it.

And you've also done well to ask for a reality check.
My personal opinion in general is that instincts tend to be where the money is. And in this particular situation, I think there is no good reason a bf should be connecting on a close personal level with another woman, and even less justification for him to be concealing this connection.
This doesn't sound like a promising relationship, tbh.

At a basic level he is two-faced - slags his friend off yet maintains a “friendship” with her. He also leaves out information that might reflect poorly on him, ie meeting her for dinner.

I think you probably want to let him go. He doesn’t sound like a trustworthy long-term prospect.

He did exactly what you asked him not to do. He backstabbed someone he’s “friends with” - this guy is showing you exactly who he is.
he’s not worth spending time with.

Don't over analyse.

He probably didn't tell you the truth as he knew you didn't like it.

But overall I don't think this relationship is suitable for you. He's behaviour has triggered anxiety and insecurity. This is no way to feel in a relationship.

I think you should put you're feeling first and let him go. He is not honest, poor communicator and clearly not making you happy. Please don't waste your time any further second guessing the situation.

Pretending to dislike somebody they are attracted to is common with cheaters, so that would explain the nasty comments he made about her. It's an attempt to get you off the scent.
The very fact that he is secretive about this is suspicious as hell. You are not wrong to feel as you do. I would say odds are pretty good that if he hasn't banged her yet, he will.

Hes getting way too involved with this girl. Meeting her for lunch. Ignoring you. He has not grown up yet. But some men never grow out of chatting to women online. Its how phones have changed things. I would not settle for this at 19. Theres a line and hes crossed it.

Ofcourse peoples actions make you feel emotions. If someones hiding things your gut instinct picks up on it. Thats how humans sense danger etc! Emotions are very much controlled around what people do around us. Shes not paranoid. A new girl has got her partners attention and he was too cowardly to tell her he wanted to see this girl for lunch so he made it a "her problem" because he 'knew how she would react' which implies hes in a relationship where his gf is paranoid and insecure when she isnt. She just does not like her boyfriends attention shifting to another female and hiding it from her.

What's the reason for everybody 'hating' this girl?

Definitely something there that you don't know about. But is it really worth all this sadness and frustration? If your BF couldn't be honest with you in the first place, even after you talked to him about how their constant communication makes you feel etc ...

If it were me ...
I don't think I'd be ready to call it quits just yet, but I would be taking a break. Go no contact for a few days, spend time with people who love you, relax etc.
See what happens.

OP you're so young, don't let this time pass you by! And I know it's a cliche thing to say, but it really is true.

OP, the most important thing here is how it makes you feel.

You say you don't have a problem with him having female friends but it's this particular friendship that has set your spidey senses a tingling. That is something to pay attention to.

You feel uncomfortable about it because it doesn't add up.

His words don't match his actions, he's been dishonest about his friendship with her and you don't trust him on this matter.

That is what you need to pay attention to. It's easy to get drawn into questioning whether you are the problem or whether he is; whether it's reasonable to feel like this etc but I would be more pragmatic about it.

19 is young. It's unlikely that, at 19, you have met the person you will choose to be with forever. Because that's what it is - your choice. If you don't like the way some of his choices and behaviours make you feel, then end it.

The right person can't walk through the door whilst the wrong one is blocking the doorway and all that.

I agree with this : pretending not to like someone can be done on purpose to hide attraction.
I also agree with the pp who suggested that if you were to subtly ask some of his friends who have known him a long time you will probably find your boyfriend and this woman have " history". But really the way he is behaving and him going on a dinner date with her tells you all you need to know.
Much better to find someone you can trust.

Hello, thank you for all your replies, I honestly didn’t check this post before, because I didn’t think anyone would see it, I just wrote this in middle of the night after I found out because I was spiraling and didn’t know what to do.
So for an update, right after he told me I called him and he initially didn’t answer because he said I was emotional right now and he didn’t want to fight. I told him how that was making it so much worse for me, and then he called and I wish I could remember exactly what was said but I was just all over the place. But to sum it up I told him how terrible this situation was making me feel and it was making think of ending our relationship. He basically just apologized and explained, that he was feeling really down that day, and she texted him and HE spontaneously ask HER to go for dinner (so him initiating it again, maybe I should also add, I had left town to visit my parents the day before). I just told him I needed to process it and also said how I was questioning myself and didn’t know if I was overreacting.
So the next day we had little contact, but he did text me through out the day. Then, on Sunday morning I felt ready to talk with him again, and this is when he told me that they had cut contact. Apparently, at the dinner she had asked him if I had a problem with her and he ‘didn’t deny it’ , and afterwards she texted him offering to cut the contact, and he told her it would be best.
Now while I never told him to do this, I am ultimately the reason their friendship has ended. He has told me that it isn’t a big deal to him it wasn’t a close friendship and he did it in his own free will because he wanted to respect me.

Maybe I should be happy now, but I was questioning myself already and, while there is my side of the story, there’s also the side where I am the villain possessive girlfriend who has ended their innocent friendship because of her insecure behavior. I just don’t think that this is what a healthy relationship looks like from either angle.

On the Other hand, he’s doing what he can to fix it, so shouldn’t I just accept that and be happy? Apart from this he makes me really happy.

So to sum it up I’m even more confused know, kind of gaslighting myself into thinking I completely overreacted and caused him to end the friendship.

So this pretty much sums up my feelings, unfortunately I am an over analyzer, but especially this situation has made me spiral on a different level. And my thoughts right now are, no matter if he’s being shady talking to this girl or if I’m being crazy and jealous, I don’t want to be in a relationship where I feel this way. This is by the way pretty much exactly what I told him after. So he says he doesn’t want to lose me and has cut the contact, and while I of course also don’t want to lose him, I just dont know if that a long term solution in this case.
I feel like I should work on myself and my emotions and cant do so in this relationship but at the same time he clearly doesnt want to break up and I love him very much :/

Really I don't see why you should be the one feeling bad.
It's very convenient that you were away out of town when he asked her out.
I would be very sceptical of his account of their interactions as regards her asking if you weren't happy with him being friendly with her.
I would be sceptical about him cutting contact with her. Or if he has that he will maintain no contact. Saying that he has done so , even though you didn't ask him to seems like him manipulating you into feeling the bad guy.
I really think you are better off out of this relationship.

Although you admit to being a type to over-analyse things, this guy is also acting shady. He has tied you in knots over this, he did not need to put you through all this. A person who likes female attention to massage his ego, whether it's taken any further or not, is not compatible with you. You are trying too hard to be the cool girlfriend, with someone who likes female attention. It's just not going to work and will give you nothing but angst.
He has admitted that just having a bad day is enough for him to arrange dinner with another woman while you are out of town. What happens the next bad day he has? It's too late, regardless of if he now blocks, this should be a boundary you have and he has crossed it, even though he knew prior to that, it would upset you. He knew what he was doing, but did it anyway. It actually could be that he is enjoying twisting the knife in and seeing you suffer, he's probably manipulated you into thinking it's your insecurity . Don't let him, say its too late and end it, you can do better for yourself than him.

If he's hiding this then just imagine other things he could hide. You don't deserve to feel this way, imagine the boot on the other foot. This relationship is not for you, you deserve a man who makes you feel totally secure and where you're not doubting him or he's making you doubt yourself. A man invested and locked in a relationship doesn't be hiding dinner dates, texts and secret friends. Just keep in mind he may have told you he's cut contact but there is a very real possibility that's not happened. He also seems like the type of guy who in a few months time will blame you for the "breakdown" of their friendship. Also you mentioned he bad mouthed her first when they weren't friends, from my own experience it's because he's hurt hence the making her look bad. But look they're friends now. Weird right. You're better than this girl. Brush that dirt off your shoulder.

Didn’t need to read much of that to know that I am going to tell you that my opinion is this is why when in a relationship having friends of the opposite sex is not a good idea unless they are mutual friends, as in they are also friends with you. Acquaintances are fine, full on friends that you have long text conversations with no. So I don’t think this relationship will work.

Okay, thank you all, after reading through this I think my choice is pretty clear. Honestly reading your perspectives helped me see the overall picture much better. Going from absolutely hating this girl to putting our relationship on the line for her shows me that my instincts weren’t too far off. Also after talking with a friend she suggested that him cutting contact could be just a way to avoid me asking more questions and finding out more. And, while nothing he did (that I know of) could be classified as cheating, this in between thing is even more hurtful, because it makes me question myself and my judgement. So I guess that all I needed to know (although I’ll definitely need some more time to get over this)