How to cope with my (31 male) feelings of sadness, hurt and rejection, while my partner (32 F) does trauma and relational therapy

[DudeSearchingForAdvice]

To give a bit of context, I've been with my partner in a long distance relationship with periods of long time living together. I love her to bits, and I would do anything for her...
Problem is that we both had very difficult childhoods. In her case also, I was also her first relationship, while I came from a very bad previous one.

When we started we had a good enough first phase of kisses and some intimate time. Not a lot, but we didn't really saw each other a lot, so it was normal.

Since that first period (something like a year.) We haven't had any type of intimate contact, and it has come to not even have contact of any kind at all, and loving gestures are practically non existant. It all has been a long "I don't feel confortable with X" (okay, we don't do X) "I feel bad when Y" (sure, let's not do Y)... and so on and so forth, for the last three years really.

She is dismissive avoidant, so this is a little bit expected... and knowing I also had trauma, I did my fair share of therapy on the side. I've worked in being self sufficient while getting out of some big health issues, both mental and physical, and finishing my education (which is a difficult degree). I've focused myself on personal and couple projects, and in a lot of other areas in my life, I'm feeling more and more fulfilled, and she supported me. She was there through it all.

She has struggled with therapy though... she tried two that didn't really convinced her much, with long streaks of not seeing anybody, and know has started with a therapist that is specialized in relational aspects and trauma, which I know personally that is a great therapist.

I know this is the best way, and that while this might help her, it might not be something that change the relationship. I know that her working through her trauma might not signify a change, but she is funny, intelligent, kind and compassionate, with a lot of empathy and creativity. She is an amazing human being, and even knowing it might not work, I want to hold the space for her and support her. If things don't work ... well, at least I tried.

Problem is, I've been feeling worse and worse within the relationship through the years. I feel rejected, sad, hurt, frustrated... and while I have taken this as the so to speak "last chance" I'm feeling myself growing colder and colder, and I don't want to be like that. I still try to be my most loving and support her in everything, but it's starting to be difficult not pulling away...

I know this might not work, but I would still love to be for her in this path, even if we end up as friends, or if things go well, as a couple with a more stereotypical loving style.
While I resent the lack of needs met, I don't resent her. She is amazing and I love her to bits.

What would you guys do to work through these bad feelings? I don't want to bring them up because she already has a lot on her plate, with therapy and a whole lot of other issues at work and in life in general, and I know it's unfair to blame it on her when I was the one that choosed to stay nor I want to put pressure on her so she feels she needs to change (doubt she would be doing therapy if she wasn't aware, and it's a talked topic in the relationship.)

What do you guys think? Is there any way I could help her better?

This isn't a healthy relationship.

Since that first period (something like a year.) We haven't had any type of intimate contact, and it has come to not even have contact of any kind at all, and loving gestures are practically non existant

She is dismissive avoidant

Problem is, I've been feeling worse and worse within the relationship through the years. I feel rejected, sad, hurt, frustrated

What do you guys think?

Life's too short.

Relationships shouldn't be this hard.

It's not working and you should part company. This relationship will suck the life out of you, it sounds exhausting just reading about it, never mind been in it. What's the point in staying?

You need to recognise when things aren't working and call time.

Yeah... thing is that she has been there at my worst, and it feels... off to not be there for her, at least until therapy kicks in (which usually it starts three to six months in) not to get into account that she is being laid off her work, and having a whole other bunch of issues.

I know I hold out a lot, that's why I know If things don't change I will just be in the relationship a little while more, trying to be friends afterwards, that's it.

Do you really think it is that bad? Honestly, my last and only other relationship (not this one) was a 7 year abusive one (cheating, demeaning, manipulation, gaslighting, lying...) This feels way better than that one, but I know I don't have the greatest reference there nor at home with my parents.

You can’t change someone. Don’t be in a relationship hoping they’ll change.
yeah, it will hurt to break up, but it will hurt even more if you spend longer together and your lives become more intertwined.
You can be grateful she was there for you, and still see that this relationship is not working now - for either of you.

Oh, and as to how to cope with feelings of sadness, hurt and rejection - you’ve named them, that’s a good step (I’m not being patronizing here: many of us struggle with naming how we feel.) maybe therapy can help you work through the hurt.

I just don’t think hanging around waiting for someone to change is a good way to spend life. Sorry.

I agree with OP.

You both got into a unhealthy relationship security blanket rut.

I think its time to prepare you're self to break up mentally and physically. It will be painful at first but you'll know you did the right thing for you.

Sexual compatability is a really important part of any relationship and clearly you two are not suitable.

Be kind to yourself...and her... time to cut the unhealthy relationship cords.

You're both carrying your own emotional baggage, so combining all that emotional hurt into one relationship isn't a positive thing.

sounds like you both need to find your respective way in the world, heal and move forward. Staying together is just dragging you both down. As previously said, it shouldn't be this hard.

The relationship makes you miserable. Why stay in it? She may have all the good qualities you say, but they are negated by the fact that she is not loving toward you. Dismissive avoidants are a bad bet for a relationship. I had one of those, unknowingly at the time. What a nightmare that turned out to be.
Maybe you should break it off for now, with the option to possibly get back together if she can ever overcome her attachment issues.

It sounds like she's been a good friend to you, but not a girlfriend. Normally I don't advocate 'staying friends' but in this case I think you could support her as a friend but break up the boyfriend / girlfriend relationship which she's not ready for. And pursue other romantic relationships after a few months. Don't drag this out any longer. To be honest, it may even be helpful to her to work on herself without any romantic relationship pressure/ mess. Breaking up may also help make certain things clear to her and her therapist. You don't mention if you've ever spoken about it before. It sounds like she may even be grateful.

What I wouldn't do is make staying together dependent on her changing. That's an awful lot of pressure to put and very unhealthy for genuine progress. Of course who knows what can happen in the future but right now, the way you both are, this is not a romantic relationship with a future. Life is long and there is plenty of time to get into healthy, encouraging relationships that build you up even more and make you feel as special as you are. Just don't extend this one any further.

Thank you all for the kind responses, I guess the opinions are kind of unanimous.

We have talked about this a few times during the relationship, my point of not talking in this last part is more related to she being in a very bad spot and trying to be there for her while she finds her way out a little bit. Also, we talked about trying to fix things next time we saw each other... it's just that is starting to be a lot.

I might take still that last time trying to fix it in the next trip I go to see her, which should be not too long from now. I don't wish to break up by phone honestly, that would feel awful. So it will be this last try and that's that. .. if it doesn't work... I least I tried.

Thanks again to everyone, and feel free to keep answering, every point of view is welcomed.

I sort of understand. Im with a very heavily depresssed individual whos used substances to cope. Our relationship has been no picnic and its caused me alot of pain and anxiety. In a strange way he was my peace. My adult company. He taught me how good sex could be. He taught me there was more. But then he got sick and his brain has never allowed him to stay consistant. Coping with the rare highs and regular lows has been exhausting and honestly so sad. Ive wanted him on so many occasions for a cuddle a deep chat a laugh or some adult time and hes just not in that space. I have lost him to this horrible illness.

The correct answer is always that if you are not getting your needs met or feeling lonely and sad for a significant peoriod of time you should walk. Mumsnet is a place where people love quotes like "the hills are that way" " why are you settling for this level of a relationship you need to work on yourself" i tend to lean towards that theres billions of people on this planet and no 2 couples are the same. People have a bond even when its a mess and thst bond is what makes you not want to leave your "sick mate" through the fear of them getting worse without you and through the sadness of them being out your life when they have always been a part of your day to day.

Its a really hard place to be. I am all for people not staying in shit relationships but sometimes the way out feels brutal.