Sexless Marriage and phone password

[Kimcat1]

Hi

I posted the below thread a few weeks ago but just looking for advice on a situation which happened today, so wanted to provide the previous post for context (see below). So today I wanted to show my husband a kids YouTube toothbrushing video our daughter liked as she struggles to brush her teeth but I couldn't find my phone. His was sitting on our side table and he was changing our daughters nappy at the other side of the room. I asked what his password was so I could show him and he got up and he would use face ID instead of just telling me the password. When I asked if it doesn't work with password he said yeah but I'll just do it. I then asked him why he didn't want me to have his password and at first he said he had been looking at something for my birthday but then changed it and said he couldn't remember his password as he always uses face ID and it would just be quicker. Afterwards he did tell me his password but I just feel really weird about the whole situation. I've never known his password and never felt I needed to as I trust him but given circumstances I feel so strange and just looking for some advice. Thanks so much.

Previous Thread..

Hi

I've been married to my husband for 2 years, together for 7 years. 6 months after we got together he suffered from a stroke. He was very young, fit and healthy so complete shock. He made a great recovery and does not have any deficits as a result of this. He has been on daily medication since this.

Fast forward to now, we have a beautiful baby girl who we both just adore. I love my husband, and he's a great dad but I can't help but feel so much resentment as honestly I think if it was up to him, he'd be happy to never have sex again. This has really just gotten progressively worse since the stroke and I have of course been very sensitive to this. I've put myself out there so many times and been constantly rejected or if we did do it, I just knew he'd rather not. Whilst I was pregnant I was too frightened to have sex as we'd suffered a loss previously, but honestly I think that suited him. Even when trying for a baby it was clear that he didn't love how much sex you have to have to make a baby, and it did happen quickly for us both times so wasn't a long process. After bubs was born I chatted about how I felt ready again and how did he feel about it etc, and he said yeah let's do it. So about a week later I suggested we make up the sofa bed downstairs as baby girl is in our room. After putting her down I got all ready, makeup, underwear etc. I was feeling so vulnerable as not feeling my best 3 months post partum and in addition I'd done this before with underwear etc only to be shot down and told "aw you're killing me, I really wanted to just chill". So I go downstairs and the sofa bed isn't made up and he's watching TV. So there I sit in my underwear and small robe for an hour and nothing, he didn't even kiss me. Eventually I said I was going to bed and he looked so confused and asked why. I burst into tears and explained how I was feeling lonely, unattractive, rejected etc and had been sitting in basically nothing for an hour for nothing to happen. I told him I'm never putting myself in that position again, and now the ball would have to be in his court and since then nothing at all. He doesn't even kiss me apart from a peck on the lips. Whenever I have brought this up in the past he has said he doesn't know why, mentioned his medication or low sex drive and said if he's not enough for me then he doesn't know what we should do. He's not willing to work on it at all with me. I know I may have gone about it wrong and put too much pressure on it but I guess I thought if I dressed up then that may have made him want to more, and to try to boost my own self confidence really, silly I know. I'm just looking for an outsider perspective really as I'm feeling so deflated and my self confidence is in the toilet really. Any advice would be appreciated. Thanks so much if you made it this far.

It sounds like you have very low self esteem. I can understand why you feel hurt, sex isn’t just about the sex, it’s about the connection too. Is it possible that because you were too scared to have sex during pregnancy, that he turned to porn and that could be why he isn’t as interested/didn’t want you to see his phone?

Or could it be just low sex drive/medication?

I can see why you’re worried about the phone, although I have to say my phone is very private for me, but I wouldn’t mind my husband using it in this way and would happily give him my password.

Are you worried that in some way his initial reluctance to give you his password is in some way related to your sex life?

I don’t know why he preferred face recognition but I would suggest you don’t read too much into it. My husband doesn’t know my phone password (or laptop one). And I don’t intend to ever share it.
I don’t have anything to hide but I do consider that I am entitled to a degree of privacy and there are some things I’d rather he didn’t see.
For example I sometimes use the notes section to write a bit of a diary in which I rant about various things just to get them off my chest. There are also some things in my search history that I’d rather he didn’t see - not because they are sexual or inappropriate but just make me feel a bit silly/embarrassed!
So basically there are lots of reasons he may want to keep it private. So I would say don’t jump to conclusions!

I use Face ID ( and contact less payments ), so often now that I sometimes struggle to remember my phone passcode or pin ,

does he struggle with memory issues as a result of the stroke ?

Phones are personal. He can do what he wants with his passwords.

I wouldn’t give my Dh my phone password, and I am very much in love with him and am definitely not doing anything nefarious on my phone. It’s just private and I wouldn’t tell anyone my password, even someone I trusted very much.

Other issues may be of concern, but nothing weird about not sharing a password.

No sex. Do you think be would have time to be having sex with anyone else?
I had a Stroke young. But it doesn't seem to be about the stroke, he was like this before.

He's given you the password now. End of.
But the password isn't the problem, the problem is you're unhappy and looking for reasons why he seems uninterested.
But he never was that interested anyway, if I understand it right. Genuinely low libido? What's he like when he wakes up??? It's the early bird etc etc

Hi you said sex reduced after the stroke it's understandable but so are your feelings. It sounds like it could be medical. Have you approached from the point that it's knocking your confidence and your feeling disconnected. I've been through this I go through this I have a husband with delayed ejaculation I used to get so frustrated but I've now lost my sex drive after all the times I felt unwanted. I'm really fit active take care of myself I know it's not that I think porn can be an issue my husband swears blind it's not that I am past caring to be honest now here's the thing now I'm not bothered he's actually bothered I think he's though shit she was very active or really into it what's going on. I did also tell him I think it's pointless being intimate once every few months and honestly at the time I told him and I meant it I said I am not willing to sacrifice that part of my life and will have to end the marriage. Now weirdly I can't be arsed I guess I feel he doesn't care so I don't yet when it happens very rarely were both absolutely crazy so I am confused. I think my man struggles with the DE so yours could well be medical. Ask him to get a blood test for low testosterone that's the main cause easy fix. If he's on the phone a lot and hiding screen then as well as keeping password then yes red flag.x

The password issue is because you feel vulnerable and rejected. It's a red herring. I would never tell my husband my password and vice versa .. it's like giving someone access to your personal diary . That's why phone snooping is such an appalling violation.

MN is very fond of 'the end justifies the means' when affairs are uncovered via text. I say once you have sufficient distrust to snoop then you end the relationship.

I think the question being asked here is does he wake up with an erection?

men produce testosterone overnight, so morning sex is probably going to be best option as his hormone levels will be highest after REM sleep stage

it if have had miscarriages and general issues around sex he might be more sensitive to those than you realise and is deliberately avoiding intimate contact

do you koow the meds he is on, can they affect sex drive ?

Love after porn on reddit could be a great source of support for you. I hope that's not the case for you but your gut is usually right about the porn being the issue.