Married to a man but gay / bi

[artichoked]

im married to a man and have three beautiful children. I had no idea I was a lesbian when I met or married my husband. After the birth or my first child I developed an intense crush on a woman, and since then I’ve been waiting for my feelings towards women to go away. It’s been 8 years and my original crush is long gone, but I feel more attracted to women than ever. My husband works away and when he’s not here I have never once been tempted by a man - the idea is being with a man makes me feel very uncomfortable. I have never cheated. It took me about 2 years to come out as bi to myself, and another 2 to say it to him. Only recently have I expressed how strong my attraction to women is. He thinks I’m bisexual (so did i) but I’m starting to think I’m gay. If I weren’t with him I’d never be with a man again and I’m not with him much (works away more often than he’s here). I don’t want to hurt him or my kids but it’s also killing me to not be myself. My kids are young and we are in different countries for work/life but I’d never be separated from them. I’d rather life a lie than be without them for even a minute. Please be like. What should I do?

First of all, you need to address the issue of whether you are unhappy in your marriage.

Never mind about who else you might find attractive. Do you fancy your husband? Do you - and this is important, so give it serious thought - consider it possible that you might get back to a point where you fancy your husband?

Are you happy with your husband aside from the fancying part? Do you consider you have a good partnership?

If your answers are yes, then stay in your marriage, just like all the people fancying Keanu or Harry or Ncuti do.

If your answers are no, you can't ever fancy your husband again or no, you don't have a good partnership - then you're going to have to consider a split.

Don't think in terms of what you'll do afterwards. That's not the point. And if you do split, then spend some time entirely single and celibate while you work out the details and care for your children.

I think life is too short to spend it denying who you are. You can live a lie but I think that will make you a very resentful and unhappy person. In the short term ending your marriage will be difficult but everyone will adapt and move on. its short term pain for long term gain. I also think you both deserve to be with someone that truly loves them and wants to be with them rather than someone who's just making it work for the kids.

I disagree with this being equivalent to having a crush on some other man. If you are sexually oriented towards women and only women, then being with a man is repulsive and unnatural.

From what I've seen some women marry men when they are younger because that is what society said to do and women can like or be fond of these men, but at some point, you just want to say, get the fuck off me, although that might happen after a woman meets another woman and THEN they feel attraction - and it is a revelation.

Thanks so much for the replies. I was so scared to read them because sometimes I’ve seen the opposite situation on MN - a woman whose discovered her husband might be gay - and the replies have been very brutal towards him. It’s worse than cheating because the gay partner has willingly lied and deceived, etc. But I really didn’t know. when I look back on my past, there were very obvious signs that at the time seemed small. My first crush was a girl, and I always remarked how I preferred kissing girls, but that was as a teen on nights out. My friends told me that all girls preferred kissing girls and I thought it was just a bit of a fact, based on jokes, that girls were better kissers but it didn’t mean anything. It was only after a few drinks (spin the bottle etc） that I’d ever found myself in that position in the first place.

When I was mid-20, I tried to explore my sexuality a bit more and realised I might have some attraction to women, but my friends kind of laughed it off when I tried to tell them, and put it down to maybe attention seeking or something on that level. Again saying that everyone feels like that sometimes. I really didn’t know.

My husband was such a sweetheart and I really did love him but it was all a bit of a whirlwind. We got serious very fast and I never thought about it at the time. I had a horrible first pregnancy and birth,but felt normal for a while until I met the first girl I had a crush on. I keep giving myself deadlines “If I still feel like this at the end of this year I’ll tell the truth” but nevertheless don’t say anything. At first it came and went in intensity but each time got more intense.

As you said. And I hate to say it. But the idea of being with a man really makes me anxious and stressed. I hate that I feel this way because i do love him as a person and a father, but the idea of sex with a man feels very wrong