Does the fear of staying eventually outweigh fear of leaving?

[Cheapassscrewtoprose]

Name change to avoid being too outing. Have been trying to leave my DP for nearly 18 months after he punched a wall several times and came up in my face with his fists. He's never again done anything like that but it seemed to finally make me aware of how horrible and emotionally abusive he had been to me for years. I tried to leave like 5 times last year and each time he promised to be better and in fairness has been a lot better but there's still issues with him being angry etc. Although he has at least stopped obviously berating me as much as he used to. I've been going to therapy for most of the 18 months and I feel so much more confident in myself. So WHY can I still not leave when I know I should? I feel paralysed and swing from staying to going on an almost hourly basis. I'm so scared of staying and being miserable in another 10 years time but somehow I am still here and thinking of the good things. Sometimes I think well he has changed but everyone on here has made me doubt that abusive relationship can really change?

Think about your family. Think 1 day would you want one of them to identity your body? My ex started off hitting walls.. My ds in his 30's still has anger issues. And we left when ds was 7. You probably won't need therapy if you leave him now . Get out while you can.

Because there's still a little bit of you that hopes the man you met initially will come back. (He won't it will only get worse) Because he wasn't always this awful (noone is all good or all bad but abuse needs to be your hard line) and Because leaving is scary (fear of the unknown, fear of his reaction, fear of regret due to gaslighting, fear of being alone). All these things are normal and they make perfect sense with the nature of how domestic abuse works. The women's aid journey to freedom programme would really help you unpick some of this so I'd recommend getting in touch with them if you haven't already.

I think ultimately you need to think about what you deserve, if you have children what they deserve. You deserve to feel safe, happy, to have someone who respects you and who you feel safe with 100% of the time.

When I left my ex I had got to the point where I felt so completely broken that I just couldn't fight it all anymore. I would highly recommend leaving before you get to that point because it took me years to mentally recover.

Change is difficult.

Leaving relationships means admitting to people that the relationship has failed, and usually means a drop in lifestyle. And we are romantic and want to be a fairytale.

That doesn't mean you should stay, because violent men stay violent (and living alone, once you're out, is wonderful)

I already feel quite mentally broken and stressed as it's all I think about. Just so worried about regretting it but I have no idea why. He has gaslight me a lot when I tried to leave before and I think his words have gotten into my head and make me doubt what's really been happening too.

I think when people question why someone doesn't "just" leave , it's in part because they've no idea of how utterly consuming gaslighting is. You're spending so much mental energy trying to predict his behaviour, trying to figure out what the"correct" behaviour for yourself is when he keeps moving the goal posts and then he very cleverly undermines everything you think you know. It's an utter head fuck. But it's also extremely effective in keeping victims in place because with your head so full of all his lies and games, how are you expected to have the space and mental energy to make plans to leave? It's very difficult. And something that having a support worker from women's aid would probably really help with because you've someone to create that space with you and actually give you practical solutions so you don't have to think them up all on your own. And then support you if/ when you decide you're ready to follow through. You don't have to have left or even have decided to leave to have support from womens aid. But it might help you create a little breathing space for yourself where you can actually explore these options. Remember he's only doing this because it serves him. If he can convince you that he's right and you're wrong/oversensitive/overdramatic then he doesn't need to take any accountability for his behaviour and he can coast along while you do all the work in the relationship.

@Lavender14 thank you, I'll look into that as you're right that could also help me with practical advice. I thought therapy would help figure it out but it doesn't really seem to be getting me out of this rut. You're right it is so utterly all consuming and confusing. I don't feel like anyone in my life understands why I keep going back so I feel a lot of shame and guilt even from my family on top of everything he's making me feel too. Probably why I have been posting here as it's a lot easier to talk to strangers and many who have been through it.

Having therapy when you are in a relationship like this is like continuing to bang your head against a wall and then wondering why your headache won't go away.

You have to stop the cause before you can treat the symptom.

He is the cause of your needing therapy in the first place. Get rid of him, and you will feel so much better, and the therapy will really be able to help you find yourself again.

Visualise your life without him in it, without walking on eggshells all the time, without being emotionally and mentally drained by him.

You need practical help to make it a reality. Contact Women's Aid, and start getting your ducks in a row. I wish you strength and happiness.

My ex husband nearly hit me with an iron. He stopped a couple of inches from my face. I thought I was going to die.

He would always say, but I didn't hit you with it, did I?

And I stayed. I felt confused. I felt ashamed that I made him like this. I felt scared of giving up the double income no kids life we were living. I felt sad about how it would hurt him.

A couple of years later he violently assaulted me over 48 hours. I had to go to hospital. My ribs were so badly broken that they flapped open and closed when I breathed.

It still took me another two years to completely leave him. I took a job in another city first, and then he moved to where I was six months later.

When he arrived I screamed at him and attacked him. I just lost it. I grabbed his glasses off his face and threw them into the grass. I called him a cunt. Told him I hated him.

Until he was standing there, I didn't realise how much happier I had been alone.

We lived like flatmates for a few months and then I left.

IT IS HARD TO LEAVE.

I'm a feminist. I'm educated. I have savings and family. It was still hard. Relationships, especially long ones, are such complex and codependent things.

So, @Cheapassscrewtoprose you're not weak, you're not wrong. It's hard. It's sad. You probably already do know what you need to do. Work towards it while giving yourself kindness.

@SensualDecay aw gosh, I'm so sorry you went through that. Its so clear from the outside how wrong it is. And you don't even need to be dependent on him. I am the higher earner in this situation and I also still find it hard. And I also think I'd never let him do that to me - but I've said that with every boundary he has never crossed. It's so scary. I'm so sorry sorry you had to go through that but thank you for validating how hard it is. I'm so scared he will escalate. I'm so glad you go out 🩷

Thank you @Cheapassscrewtoprose I'm doing ok now. You will be ok too. 💖

I don't have loads of advice ( a bit below ) but wanted to share I totally relate. Like @SensualDecay I have struggled to leave despite being the sole/core money earner, well educated, good job, no children. He gets angry, emotionally manipulates, has also thrown stuff/broken things, never hurt me directly. Calls me names. Vile to me but to everyone else you would never know. A perfect image is presented of our lives. I feel too ashamed to admit otherwise to people in real life and often they can't understand. It isn't just you. Don't be hard on yourself. It's painful.

For me, I've tried to educate myself on why I haven't been able to leave which I think you might find useful too. I have to remind myself all the time;:

FOG - something known as fear, obligation and guilt in emotionally abusive relationships can keep you there. I relate to this. I have been made to
Feel i owe something to him or I've always had to make it up to him/prove I care (obligation), then fearful to leave and also guilty if I did.

Co-dependency. I've realised how entangled I have become. My self esteem has been so tied to his moods, criticisms, needs. Took me so long to realise. I met him at 16 and been together 21 years... so in some ways not surprising.

Trauma bond. We get stuck in toxic cycles. The pattern of emotional turmoil / difficulty and recovery is something we can get addicted to. The feeling of strong emotions even if bad can bond us and draw us in to keep going back, even if it is miserable.

iI's taken me years to finally have the courage to commit to end this relationship. We have finally agreed to split but like you I feel terrified. I just know I can't waste more of my life in this endless pit and there is another life out there. I've had to stop feeling guilty or responsible for him. It's hard. I'm expecting him to manipulate the decision/situation soon. It's exhausting.

From the little progress I have made I found it's helped focusing on small steps that focus on me and my needs and future. To build my confidence up before any dramatic change.

Keeping a journal has been immensely helpful too. I started a few years ago and it scares the living daylights / gives me a massive wake up call when I read back things I felt or that happened 5 years ago... and I didn't leave. That's 5 years just wasted. It gives you a reality check to give yourself a good talking to.