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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Do people realise they have checked out?

6 replies

Allthedays1 · 05/07/2024 13:29

Is it a conscious effort? My husband seems to have checked out. He shows no interest in me. Comes home and says hello then watches videos on his phone. I work evenings so don't see him much as it is. He will go out for walks, doesn't plan activities unless it's with his friends, doesn't really what's app but does his mates. He often goes to bed before me as he's so knackered. Every couple of months I'll bring up that we don't do anything together ( can't go out as have no babysitters but we don't do anything when kids in bed) and thus we will do a craft I suggest but then that's it.

Yet he seems perfectly happy? He's become really social in the last few years, wanting to have people round for dinner etc, but he's not sociable with me. To be fair he's been like that for years, at kids birthday parties he would just sit on his phone playing games but now he's off trying to chat to everyone. Any advice?

OP posts:
Bittenonce · 05/07/2024 13:54

So he's perfectly happy - It's just that his happy time involves being around other people? So either you're part of that, or between you both, you make your own happy times.

Mrsttcno1 · 05/07/2024 13:54

Personally I don’t think it’s a conscious effort to check out, I think it’s more a conscious effort to do the opposite which results in the checking out. You see it quite frequently on here people who are unhappy in their relationships/in general who are encouraged to find other things that make them happy whether that be exercise, going out more, making new friends etc and I think the more you throw yourself into those other things the more distant/checked out you can become without that being the direct intention

Allthedays1 · 05/07/2024 14:29

Bittenonce · 05/07/2024 13:54

So he's perfectly happy - It's just that his happy time involves being around other people? So either you're part of that, or between you both, you make your own happy times.

Yeah but what's the point if we have no happy times together? He doesn't mind if I go out and do stuff which I do sometimes but if I was just like him then we would be flat mates. I don't know how to fix it

OP posts:
Mrsttcno1 · 05/07/2024 14:33

You alone can’t “fix it” OP, it’s something you both have to actively want to do and work at. I will say though from what you have said it sounds as though you have no childcare and so that stops you going out and doing these things together as a couple, that does sort of restrict you in the sense that you do have to take turns at the moment

herbaltea87 · 06/07/2024 08:30

May I ask how your sex life is going?

Fs365 · 06/07/2024 08:53

Mrsttcno1 · 05/07/2024 13:54

Personally I don’t think it’s a conscious effort to check out, I think it’s more a conscious effort to do the opposite which results in the checking out. You see it quite frequently on here people who are unhappy in their relationships/in general who are encouraged to find other things that make them happy whether that be exercise, going out more, making new friends etc and I think the more you throw yourself into those other things the more distant/checked out you can become without that being the direct intention

100% this ^^, he is making himself happy - maybe he feels your relationship has run its course/ is boring?

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