Why am I so scared to leave my marriage

[mummybear2918]

This is long but please read if you can give advice or been in a situation like this.

The marriage has been a wrecked for many years now. I am 33 F and married to 34 M have 2 children aged 4 & 5. It all started when 1st was born dreamed of a happy family etc but when he became a dad it all changed, he became angry all the time and easily frustrated. He has never been a hands on dad everything lands on me. I literally do it all work housework anything in the kids need is all me and I get help with house work once in a blue moon and when he does it because he gets annoyed and angry cause maybe sometimes the house gets a mess as I am trying to juggle everything else. This cause us to fight and he would say things like
Calling me fat
Ugly
says he hates me and cant stand me and things like no wonder your dad left and didnt want you, then when I argue back he can throw things at me and he physically hurt me in the past before and he breaks things in the house, tvs etc and put holes in my doors, and says it better that than him busting my face.
He always has a attitude with me even asking simple questions I always get a snappy answer, yet I can see he is so dependant on me etc I have to ring his doctors dentist etc and when he needs to go buy new clothes or stuff he needs me to come with him yet treats me like shit. I have left him 1 time before and when I did I got the 1st proper sorry I have ever gotten so I thought yes maybe this is it and he will see but I came back and have came back a few things before this. I feel like a single married mum. I was with family at the weekend and my cousin and sister where talking about there others half and just beaming about them and how good they are and great dad ( I know there is no such thing as perfect) but I couldnt be like that about him so I sat in silence or pretended to use the bathroom.

As you could imagine from above we are very rarely intimate due to the treatment also tiredness and I get abuse for this calling me names, making me feel guilty and saying that I am cheating, hes even believed I have cheated on him with his dad (gross) and he friend who I never see or talk to unless we are at each others kids partys and even hat that we exchange 2 words as he is someone I dont like.
I feel like I am running on empty everyday and when hes working or away out I can see that life is easier.

We are together 10 years married 6 years.
Own our house
I live 40 mins away from my family but cant move back there as I cant move the kids schools as my youngest is SEN and going into P1 and has his paperwork all ready for a Classroom Assistant and if we moved this would impact him and also impact the school and he would have to go back to square 1 and try and get him help. My 5 year old also has great friends here and is happy and settled at school which took a long time as she is very shy and doesnt have much confidence so moving area isnt something I can do as I cant put that impact on my kids.
I love certain people from his family and break my heart if I was to never see them again.
Talking to parent isn't an option as I have did this before and his mother couldn't have cared less.
My son even told his teacher daddy hurts mummy and my sister
( he mostly certainly doesn't lift his hands to his kids I can at least say that)

Why am I finding it so hard to leave this marriage?
I dont even know if I love him because he is the dad of my kids or if I am actually in love with him.

I seen a video online and it said

Would you want your child in be in a relationship that you are in when they are older-- my answer .... hell no
also stated - Can cant heal in the same environment that made you sick.

Have you read the book women who love too much? It may be a good starting point.

Throwing things is physical abuse. He is also emotionally abusive. You won’t change him. He is who he is.

You need to work on why you don’t want to leave him. Security? Financial? Thinking he can change? He’s a shit husband and a shit father and to be honest he sounds like a pretty shit person all round. I doubt many would want to be friends with such a person. You need to accept that is who he is. He is getting what he needs from this relationship the way it is. He may enjoy the power of hurting you emotionally.He may enjoy your tears. He may not. But you won’t figure him out. Work on figuring you out.

Can you convince him to move closer to your family? Then when you have moved and have real life support you can split? Maybe your child’s new school would be far better? Moving with him stops him stopping you from moving the kids schools etc when you do split. Abusive men will try and control you when you leave them. Maybe say family can have the kids so you can go on dates or you could find a job as family will help out. (I am unsure if you currently work).

You can keep the relationship with his family (I know one lady who has a great relationship and friendship with her ex mil now she’s divorced- they’ve cut the abusive ex out of their arrangements).

Remember he could leave you and if he upped and left tomorrow could you manage? Get yourself into the best position possible.

I know it’s hard to leave. I think you know you need to. And you may not be able to see the wood for the trees so while you are figuring stuff out you could work on the basis he could leave tomorrow so get your life in order.

Good luck op.

You feel trapped. Too many reasons to stay and you think you’re doing the best for your SN child by staying put.
But you’re not. No child should ever live with violence, it’s incredibly damaging even if they are not physically attacked witnessing violence damages them.
If your child mentions violence at home again the teacher should report to safeguarding ( should gave done this first time, it may be on record) SS will become involved.
Take the initiative. You need a plan to separate safely and for that you need support. Speak to the safeguarding lead at school. Speak to Women’sAid. Report your husband to the police.
This is the hardest part. You want desperately to keep it hidden, not let anyone know what’s happening, hope it’ll stop, hope he’ll change.
But the reality is you have to do the work to get him out before he seriously hurts or even kills you. Violent men kill their partners every week.

I’m sorry to be so blunt but it was only the jolt of my violent ex saying he was going to kill me that made me get out. Start with telling the truth and getting support. NONE of this is your fault, it is all on him and people will see that.