Being a single mum and dating.. honestly feel like I'll be forever alone!

[givemesomewine]

I guess I'm just looking to hear some positive stories about finding someone after becoming a single parent and actually finding happiness again with someone?

Don't get me wrong.. I'm okay on my own. Me and my son's dad have a good co parenting relationship, he's a great dad. I obviously love my son to bits, I'm not lonely being single. I enjoy my own company and I am happy but sometimes I do struggle..

I struggle with the idea of even ever meeting someone again. Although I'm not dating, I have a little over the last couple of years but it's just so much effort and time that I feel I don't have or want to commit to meeting people who aren't genuine.. and even if they are.. will I ever be ready to let someone into my life like that again? It's such a huge deal with a child too and I just can't imagine it.

I work full time, and in the small amount of time I do have with my son, it feels so rushed all the time. Everything is just rush rush rush then it's bed time and before I know it, he's at his dads.
I just hate this broken cycle sometimes..

I've honestly never known something so mentally hard to keep up with.. one minute being on my own, cramming in as much as I can to my free time like my hobbies or catching up on the housework etc, balancing work and spending time with my son and then back to being on my own again. I swear I just feel constantly burnt out and like I'm never achieving anything.

There is just never enough time to do everything and I feel I'm constantly just keeping my head above water.. being a single parent working full time is so hard! And that's with a good co-parent l.. I'd love to meet someone one day and be happy but I just genuinely can't imagine how.. the thought overwhelms me so much!

Don't know the point of this post other than maybe hearing some positive stories about people that were once at this point also?

I've no positive story to give you, but I can say I'm in the exact same boat. 2 yrs Into being single after a very long term relationship and 2 small kids together. I find single mother hood demanding. There's good co parenting going on but it still doesn't make it any easier or the battles I play out in my head. I'm lost when the kids aren't with me, I feel like a part time parent when they go to him every other weekend. Its very hard. I'm lonely but after the breakdown of a relationship where I planned on staying in forever I don't know that I'll ever trust another man and he's the only man I actually know. He broke me to be honest that I'm unsure ill ever recover from all of it, so I do think I will lead a lonely life. I'm not looking for anything just yet but at the same time I'm unsure I ever will and for the reason you also mentioned of there being children. I don't want to bring another man into my kids lives, I never wanted any of this situation I've been given.
Just wanna say I understand the thoughts you are feeling about single motherhood and moving on x

I've been dating a lovely man for over 2 years. Yes its different this time round, everything has to be planned around his and my children and their other parents but it is doable.

Keep your whits about you, take things slowly and keep to your principles - there are some chancers out there and plenty of people with complex baggage. But there are some gems.

It can be fun! Enjoy x x

@keepingsanity do you mind me asking how old you are? I’ve not come across any of these jems and find the whole online dating thing horrific. I’m 46 so wondering if it’s my age group, granted I have to take long breaks of months so maybe not exactly going at it full time

Divorced with two kids, was single for 2 years and now in a serious relationship with a wonderful man.

It helps if the new partner or person you're dating also has children as they understand the demands on your time.

My son is 4 and tomorrow I’m going on my first date since before he was born.
It’s hard to find the time.

in reality I just want a bit of fun and to feel like a woman again by going on a date. Rather than just mom.

it would be great to find a relationship but my priority is my son and not a lot of men will understand that unless they have kids of their own.

Tell me about it. I sometimes feel that way too. I just never have time to do other things other than look after DC.
Trying OLD but it has been horrendous. However i am still hopeful that my someone will happen. Dont lose hope, it’s just a matter of time.

@Newbeginning12 I'm 45 and met him when I was 43
Online dating is horrific at times. I let my guard down with one which led to his arrest and ultimate prosecution- which is why I say keep your whits about you. After that scenario I was swearing off online dating for good but thought no he isn't going to make me change my behaviour and that was when I met my partner of 2 years. Online dating can be fun too but also look for social opportunities to meet people in real life

Single parent here to I've tried OLD. No serious relationship materialised but I've had some nice meals out and nice moments. Tbh I have my DC the majority of the time so I can't see the silver line either OP.

@keepingsanity . Thanks for replying. I am now over a year off OLD but it seems I’m the exception in that most people my age seem to keep at it so it makes me feel I’m not doing enough which is probably true! Just have a low tolerance for the online world. I have kids 75% of the time plus a full time v stressful job

@Juyjuly32 the people I know who have been successful’ at OLD have 50:50 custody and have relatively stress free jobs. They’ve been willing to devote quite a lot of time to it

I find apps demoralising. I’m a single Mum but I live one minute away from my DP, met him unexpectedly in my forties after being alone for years…in many ways we have a perfect set up with the two houses so close! I wouldn’t risk living with a man again.

I have just started dating, early forties, I feel like an inexperienced teenager but not at the disillusioned stage.

I really don't want to feel it but perhaps I'm naive

You just do not know what's around the corner- such a cliche I know and I used to grin (grimace) and nod my head whenever this was said to me.
I divorced at 49, 30 years with the wrong man and I won't go into it right now but abuse was involved. I did the online dating thing and was on my own for 4 years, couldn't imagine meeting anyone that would fit with my two amazing young adult kids etc. Had just reconciled that I would be ok on my own and my friend introduced me to someone she worked with. It was a slow burn as we were both reserved and really not convinced we needed each other nor did we want to raise each other's hopes etc but it grew and grew. We are married now, and have been together for 4 years- his adult kids are like mine and we are so so similar, he is my absolute soul mate. I swore I'd never get married again, so did he... but we just love being with each other. What's more we are still growing and I could never have envisaged this was possible so just hang on and see- all the best to you

@kefaloskid i think though the thing is you need a decent network of friends in the first place for those opportunities to arise. If you don’t have a network, limit time you are pretty screwed tbh

Yes I agree- one of the first things I did was reach out to make new friends. The divorce caused all sorts of disruptions with existing ones and it was through one of the new friends I met him

There is hope OP! (And others..)

I'm 46. Single 7 yrs. 2 x DC (babies when I became single) NOT a good co parenting relationship. For years he's had them for a day once a week.

Happy being single. Not lonely. Enjoy my own company. If I thought about it, or more likely, friends or family asked, I couldn't see how I'd date. What would be the point of OLD if I never had any child free time? I have supportive family, but my parents couldn't have the DC often enough to meet/,get to know/have a relationship with someone. They live reasonably locally but the logistics were difficult and as I wasn't bothered...well, I just didn't bother.

Then, Christmas last year. I decided I really needed to start prioritising myself a bit. So I took up a hobby. Joined a few FB groups relating to said hobby. Started "chatting" to someone, arranged to meet up for said hobby. The rest is history. We're only 6 months in but it's been bloody amazing.

We can't see each other all that often, usually every couple of weeks. But we speak all the time, we've had weekends together and it's just bloody lovely.

So unexpected. I wasn't looking or open to it AT ALL.

I think you just need to accept that it's not going to be like it was when you first met your ex and were child free. I also agree the age of your DC and custody arrangements make a huge difference.

I have 60/40 fixed days with my ex. We are also flexible with each other about swapping days etc because we are both each other's childcare. DC are 9 and 11 as well, so don't need me as much in the evenings etc.

I've been single for over a year now. I've done OLD and set out my expectations very early on. I am free these days and can meet up then. I prefer not to be messaging loads the days I have my kids either. I have no intention of marrying again, living with a man again or introducing a man to my DC until I see long term potential. I'd be happy with a FWB frankly. The only thing I miss about a relationship is sex.

My experience has been that the men (mid 40s) have said they were happy with this somewhat casual arrangement. Then got sulky when I didn't spend all of my time glued to my phone messaging them. I even had one stalking me on WhatsApp. I've stopped actively looking online for now. So we will see what happens in the real world.

Yep, have reconciled myself to being single - feel sad about it but found OLD horrendous (in my 50's) & can only do it in short bursts.

I think if your DC are older & you have a lot of child-free time, plus are happy to devote hours to endless pointless messages, being ghosted, sleazy blokes looking for short-term shagging, then go for it.

It would be so much better to met someone in work or through a hobby - bit that's not my reality.

I agreed it depends on your circumstances. I needed some time alone when I split with XH. I started dating but didn’t meet anyone worth keeping for a while! I have DD (11) 80% of the time. Sounds like a lot but it’s impractical for her to stay with XH in the week, we live close to her school and XH moved to the other side of the city and leaves early for work. I used to work shifts and weekends and it was impossible to date. Changed jobs which made it easier.
I met my OH almost a year after I separated from XH. He has DC too. He used to do ad hoc with weekends but his XW agreed to change so we get alternate weekends together while the DC are with the other parent (we live about an hour apart: thanks for that Bumble! He was a ‘bit outside your search area’ match 😁). 18 months down the line we have a nice routine seeing each other EOW and sometimes extra with the DC. No plans to move in together while the DC are young. What we have is nice now and we’ll figure out the future later.

I think there is something wrong with me as I’ve not had any success on OLD really apart from a year long ‘situationship’

I’m divorced but older than you OP with older teen DCs and I am now gearing up for OLD but am going in with eyes wide open.

I told myself previously to avoid it at all costs as demoralising but at 51 I’ve changed my mind.

in the last year since having time to rally myself post split, I have discovered that I’m actually quite a good candidate for OLD for various reasons.

1. im not looking for anything serious.
2. I like the flirting, texting, build up stage more than anything. In fact once the thrill of the chase is over I usually lose interest.
3. I am very good in male company as I grew up in masculine dominated household so just am not phased by guys and their silly antics.
4. I know my worth and have boundaries. I would not sleep with a guy unless I was in a serious relationship but am happy to enjoy all the performative stuff in the lead up. If he doesn’t make the grade, it’s goodbye.
5. men do tend to like me. I make them feel at ease it has been said. And I’m very confident so shyness is not a problem.

so I will be taking my first steps into the OLD world but it’s only now I’m considering it for the above reasons.

my younger self who was a bit insecure, time poor and vulnerable would not go near it. It would have destroyed me ten years ago and hardened my heart. It would have made me bitter I think.

But now I think it will suit me very well as I am strong, footloose and fancy free!

OP perhaps it’s something that’ll suit you in the future? In the meantime maybe put things on ice and Focus on your family.

my impression might be wrong but I just never think, from what I hear, that OLD is very conducive or kind to mums with young kids. At this time of your life you need to look after yourself as it’s hard doing what you’re doing. You don’t need anything or anyone undermining your self esteem.

@Newbeginning12 - I wouldn't assume that at all!

I think as you get older, dating is harder. The dating pool is smaller, and unfortunately OLD seems to be a platform for married men, those looking for casual sex etc. Genuine ones seem few & far between. Men my age do not seem to be keen on women who have kids at home.

I have little time so am picky about who I date. If I had more time it would perhaps be more successful.

I'm going to try singles events....

But

No it’s not you! There’s so many disingenuous people on there. Everything from lying about age to catfish. Even if these are genuine people, they lie about what they want. I matched with a guy my friend had dated. His page is very much ‘Can’t believe I’m here again, I just want to find love’ but he’s a total player and has been on there for over 7 years!
I’m still amazed I met my OH. We have a lot in common and a lovely relationship but he was very much a diamond in the rough (biggest downside being he lives an hour’s drive away!).
There are genuine people around, but you have to sort through all the dodgy ones to find them!

@Bemyclementine Hello, I’m sorry if I came across too hard on you with my previous replies to your red flag post. I’ve just read this and am happy that you’ve seemed to have sorted this out, and are happy with your new relationship. Lord knows, there’s enough wrong ‘uns around these days ! Apologies again, I just didn’t want you to get stuck in a familiar situation.xxx