Mental illness and supporting - when is enough?

[Amazingday]

DP and I are together for over 2 years. We split in April and had a month apart before getting back together again. We got back together as he admitted he was depressed and pushed me away, but has sought help. It should be a honeymoon phase but it’s turning out to be the same pattern. I am being ignored and he just wants to do nothing as had no drive. Only going to work as he needs to But says he can’t get to GP as work is too busy and missing work stresses him out. what do I do as he won’t let me in to support. The story is below.

first year together was amazing and felt I met my soul mate. We made time for each other despite living an hour apart but also had our own social lives. We went out, supported each other and laughed. Felt secure.

the second year he was a moody DP who didn’t want to anything except go out to pub. He disengaged from us and life. I was unhappy but knew it was only for a short while and checked out few months before I moved out. . We lived together for 7 months as I had sold and bought a new house.

when I moved out we both mutually split. He said he stopped loving me, was stressed with work and we had nothing in common. Said I depended on him as I wanted to spend time. I just fed up being ignored and living like roommates.

I carried on living my life quite happily. Missing him but having a great time. We had sporadic conversation. A month after the split he asked to speak to me. Turns out he missed me and he split up as he had depression and it’s style to push people away and go to the pub as it numbs his mind.

we agreed ground rules and to take it slow. He said he thinks he was depressed for around 18 months and was trying to change his mindset and didn’t want to say. He said he used exercise to cope and he can’t exercise as he has a knee injury.

the past week or so he is inconsistent with communication and cancelling plans. I asked what’s wrong abc he admitted he is stressed and feels low. He is only sleeping a few hours a night. He don’t take time off work. He says he wants to do nothing after work and just be alone as he doesn’t want to snap at me as he is irritable. I asked if it was me and he said no. asked what support he needed and he said space. I have asked him to see a private GP. He says Rushdie find something wrong.

what can I do as he won’t seek help. I keep getting pushed out.

To be honest, if he won't speak to a professional then there's not anything you can do. You can't wave a magic wand and make his troubles go away. You can't drag him to his GP. He has to want to change, otherwise it's just moaning about his lot in life to anyone who'll listen.

Sounds to me like he likes to wallow in his self-pity and just uses you as a sounding board/good samaritan.

At some point you'll get sick of that and keep on walking when he pushes you away. Until then, you'll keep trying to help a man who doesn't actually want any help and get mentally and emotionally dragged down in the process.

What is a Rushdie?

I would break up with him because it's a fairly short relationship, your lives aren't enmeshed yet with children and because he is not doing enough to get better. You gave him a enough support already.

With MH in general, I wouldn't get involved if they have certain MH conditions because my priority is my own wellbeing. If it's depression, anxiety or PTSD I might get in a relationship if they are totally committed to their mental health and are in a stable place. I would delay moving together until at least a year and children for 2 to 3 years.

The decision to break up in April was right.

I would carry on with enjoying your life and tell him if he feels in the future he is capable of treating you how you should be treated you might think about it as and when.

But it's not here and now.

Enjoy the pub.
I'm off.

I would walk away now

I sounds like his depression is a red herring and being used as an excuse for bad behaviour

If he won't get help, don't stay with him.

U are not a counsellor. U cannot help.him without u being negatively affected- sometimes severely. He is not helping himself. It may sound tough but u need to prioritise u. It hard, believe me I know. Hindsight is a wonderful thing- been there. Scars still sore. Take care OP