Exes - male ego/entitlement?

[Purpleprint]

After not dating for years, I've in the last 6 months dabbled with dating. I've dated two men and broken up with them both in the nicest way possible, making my choice and reasons clear. Both got back into contact trying to get back together.

The first tried more than once to reignite and it turned into an on off 'situationship' where I caught more serious feelings/some attachment, but he turned out to be mentally unstable and nasty. What an eye opener! I've blocked him on everything, but still remain on guard as he's tried so many times to reconnect in person and has resorted to a smear campaign.

With the second, I decided to not let a rotten apple deter me and to causally date as he was recommended through a mutual friend. However, since breaking it off after a few weeks, he's messaged me some time later and obviously has not taken things too well. I haven't responded as I don't know what to say/have nothing to say. I just want to move on and actually want to stay single.

I mean, what even is this? Male entitlement? Wounded ego? Bah. Puts me off dating altogether - in past years I felt this disappointment/annoyance when dating. It just doesn't feel worth it to date, to be in a relationship, when you have men effectively hounding you because you didn't feel there was compatibility/it was working out/want to put up with BS.

Where to go from here?

Less about their ego and more about yours getting stroked me thinks.

Is it a man-bashing discussion you're after or just a stealth brag that these exes are pining for you?

Edit: where to go from here? You've already made your mind up that you're staying single so I'm even less sure of the point of your post.

No, actually. I'm sick and tired of men thinking they have the right to question my choices in life, in general.

That in these incidences, these men think have so much entitlement and wounded ego that they think they can override/quash my wants, needs and boundaries when I broke things off. It fills me with despair that it most probably isn't worth dating. If women act in this way, we are accused of being bunny boilers!

I meant to add in my OP, that I've been a single mother for years now and both men in the short space of time that I dated them seemed to think they could attempt to override/quash and judge my DC and my parenting. And with both of them I said it just wouldn't work out between us, yet both could not accept this.

Absolutely NOTHING to do with an ex pining over me. If anything, they are deluded in thinking that I am pining over them, given that they have had the temerity to ignore and disrespect my choice in breaking up with them. Did they not believe me or think I was playing silly games or something?

It's not at all flattering. It's creepy and unwanted behaviour.

What a horrible thing to say

I can understand that this is frustrating, OP.

I want to look at it from several angles. In no way am I putting the responsability or blame on you, I just want to be nuanced.
You say you were clear and kind in giving the message that you didn't want to continue dating them. Is it possible you were too kind?
People - women in general - are often worried about coming across as mean, bitchy, uptight. Basically all the things men blame us for when we reject their advances. But it's hard to be kind and yet set very clear and hard boundaries at the same time. Sometimes the desire to be liked by everyone or not to hurt anyones feelings undermines the actual message we want to give, which is leave me the F alone.

Also, I'd have to say that culturally men have always been applauded for being tenacious. How many movies can you recall where a man ultimately wins the heart of the woman he basically stalked for months on end. This kind of behaviour was romanticized for a very long time. So obviously men are going to take away the idea that they can just hound a woman into falling for them.

I think the culture has started to change, but a lot of men haven't received the memo yet. The only way to put a stop to it, is to stop trying to be nice, stop caring whether you hurt their feelings, stop trying to be liked by everyone. Be the bitch. Be the ungrateful hag who doesn't appreciate a nice guy making an effort. Be the stupid women who doesn't know a good thing when she sees it. Be all of the things they say about you. Own it. And then tell him to fuck off and leave you alone.

I think it's quite hard for men to get affection (& sex) from "new" women.

By "hard" I mean they have to put time and effort in, maybe improve themselves mentally, emotionally, physically, financially to attract a new mate.

I'm not sure of the exact stats but there's definitely a much larger percentage of men than women on dating sites for example, so men can be on there for weeks without getting a single match, while women get hundreds.

For men, it's much easier to fire off a text to an ex and potentially get sex that way, than do the work necessary to get someone new to sleep with them.

That's no comment on you OP, but it's certainly the first thing that runs through my mind when an ex gets in contact; "hmmmm, not having any luck on the Apps then??" 🤔

Probably looking for a shag

I don't think all men do this, but I had a guy who did this. He only left me alone when he found a new woman whom he quickly moved in with and had a baby!

I think he just couldn't bear being single and always needed a love interest. While he was trying to reconnect with me he was also out trying to find other women. It wasn't about me, fabulously irresistible as I am! 😏but he was so emotionally needy and addicted to love drama, approval and constant assurances. Yeah I guess it's fragile ego needing female affirmation and attention!

It is their ego and dick that they need stroking.

Not sure why you haven't just blocked, deleted and gone about your day to be honest

Not worth analysing. I wouldn't waste any more of your time thinking about this. Who knows what goes on in someone's head. You don't know these guys. Just block and move on.

Update. He's messaged again, last night, only saw message earlier today. Is still hinting at not getting that I broke it off, used sarky tone along with a photo. Then a text a minute later 'hope you ok'.

I'm wanting to block but he's a mutual friend of a friend I have close ties with. Shit.
So glad I broke it off now, especially if this is how he deals with rejection. We went on 4 dates over 6 weeks ffs!

The hope ur ok is so passive aggressive like he is the bigger person and he is concerned about your unstable behaviour it's manipulative because it implies that there are reasons why you wouldn't be ok but won't clearly address them and that you now should reply and reassure him because he is kind, mature and concerned. He knows what went down, but he is trying to get a confrontation from you, framing you as the crazy one. It's also evidence that he reached out to you in a civil matter but the trail of texts shows you didn't reply so it serves to make him look good and corner you into talking or looking like a bad person. He is trying to control the closure and narrative of how things ended.

I have noticed this on apps. Men will ghost me or similar but I would say 50 per cent don't react well if I say it isn't working etc/don't want to take things further. Perhaps it's the same with women's responses, but it's interesting as some men who have are quite polished actually seem to be awful at being turned down . It's often the men that I think are a bit dull that in fact respond politely wishing me well.

It is not all men - there are a lot of idiots but anyone with an oz of decency will just back off. Whenever a woman has said thanks but no thanks, I simply delete their number. Sadly the dicks give the rest of us a bad name.

It doesn't matter if he's a mutual friend of a friend, block him on your phone and on social media. After you break up with someone, block them and move on. Don't ever override your intuition because you want to be 'nice'.

OP it's very difficult if you have met through friends. It sounds as though you have been polite and firm. Maybe just a final one liner along the " just responding only to say I wish you well. Bye."

🙄 sure, because how dare a woman not appreciate any and all attention from a man, don’t we know our place?

Women are allowed to discuss their experiences, if you don’t like it, this probably isn’t the forum for you.

I mean how do you break up with 2 people in 6 months?

It would take me 2 or 3 months of just dating someone minimum before I'd consider entering a relationship with them in the first place.

It sounds like you're picking love bombers ans/or rushing into things.

And men who rush you into things ...Well of course they'll be bad news.

Slow down things next time you date. Treat it as just fun until you actually get to know them a bit better. Chances are you are just picking the wrong sort and getting too serious too fast.

Just block.

Warn your friend the guy being weird and not taking no for an answer.

It's ego.

Many think they are the peak of manhood and you are lucky to be given the opportunity to bounce on their mighty penis.

I had one that did that. Turned up six months later, 18 months later, 3 years later, and seemed surprised that I didn't fall over myself to cook him supper and take him to bed. He tried again during lockdown

I assumed he was just looking for a posterity bonk on each occasion, laughed him off and closed the front door.

I don't think it's any more complicated than that. They're just chancing their arm.