Messages from colleague on DH phone

[SMG1992]

Deleted

Didn't he ask you why you were rifling through his phone?

Do you realise we can still see the original post?

@Jutemat thanks for the reply, sorry I deleted this as felt silly after writing it.
but no, we both have access to each others phones. I looked at it one morning as saw the WhatsApp come through at 6am which I thought was odd

@SoupDragon no - I tried to delete it, thanks for the heads up

If you're one of these couples who gives open access to your phone to each other then he's in the clear then isn't he, as anything untoward would already have been deleted.

@Jutemat i still don’t like that he’s not doing anything about her sending the selfies - surely it gives her the wrong idea? It’s just really odd behaviour, not to mention I said I wasn’t comfortable with it and he dismissed that

Not too sure why you deleted it. It wasnt too unusual to be posted on here. The friend sounds strange but if DH has shut the conversation down with you then not sure what else you can do other than give him the silent treatment!

I agree with you OP. Yes he should be shutting her down and keeping contact strictly work related. If she really doesn't understand boundaries then he should be even more concerned about doing this. He is in effect leading her on by not establishing this is not acceptable.

The fact you have said you aren't comfortable with this and he still won't do anything about it is not a good sign. He is showing more concern for her feelings than yours.

It’s pretty common for colleagues to become friends and message each other.

You shouldn’t be looking through his phone but you did and you saw that there was nothing flirty or inappropriate, so you can relax knowing that there’s nothing going on between them.

If he starts acting weird then perhaps he is messing around but it’s probably not with this woman.

What made you look at his phone?
You must be suspicious of something.

He doesn't want to upset her but is fine with upsetting you. That's not good.

He is her line manager. There is a power imbalance here.
She is messaging him at 6 a.m. on a Sunday morning. He has a 6 month old baby and a wife but she is intruding on his family time with them.
He is talking about her about her lack of boundaries and her loneliness so he is already emotionally involved with her to some extent.
He is refusing to shut things down and is therefore allowing his connection with her to deepen.
OP has every right to be concerned because this could develop into something serious.

OP does this woman know your DH has a wife and a young baby?

@Choochoo21 I was suspicious of what a text at 6am on a Sunday could be so I looked.
i don’t think anything is going on romantically between them but not convinced she doesn’t want there to be and that he isn’t allowing that for an easy work life
I don’t want to make his work more stressful I’m not sure I can just be fine with it and can feel myself annoyed at the situation which is not how I want to carry on

@Feelingmentallyunsettled Yes, some of the messages were about the baby too. I was firm in saying I don’t want him sending pictures or videos of the baby to them.

Ask him outright why he's more comfortable upsetting you than upsetting her.

He's probably just a coward and too awkward to know how to shut it down without drama.

@Mumoftwo1316 i think it’s this too. I’m not the kind of person to have drama at home we’ve been together 14 years and never had any issues but this doesn’t sit well with me and I feel a bit stuck.
ive let him know I don’t like it, he’s not doing anything about it so then what?!
im not going to get divorced over it so do I just stay annoyed forever?
it’s making me resent him, I can feel it’s getting between us deep down.

If this was a man having a go at a woman for having a photo of Jeff and his labrador on her phone she'd be getting told he was an insecure swine, that he needed therapy, and by asking to stop or delete it that it was coercive control.

I think it's off, but I'm old fashioned and cynical. Is this woman single? Yes. Is she at least semi attractive? Probably. Does she have non platonic feelings to DH? Most likely.

I agree with this.

Also OP if he is her line manager I don't see how asking her to keep her messages work related should be such a problem for him. It is a perfectly reasonable request so why should it make his job more stressful? Why should it cause him problems at work? With respect, if he can't ask her to do this he can't be very good at handling staff.