Sex drive | Mumsnet

anythinginapinch · 04/07/2024 17:05

I'd say, quite honestly, that I think you're a bloody fool to live with a man like that. No wonder your sex drive has vanished. Your body knows better than you that this man is not right for you. Good grief

MightyGoldBear · 04/07/2024 17:07

First off stop having sex you don't want to have.

Your sex drive is not the issue here at all. You have an abusive boyfriend. Are you in a safe place to end the relationship?

EveningSpread · 04/07/2024 17:13

OP, your sex drive isn’t the problem here. You’re doing that classic thing of thinking about how you can fix the situation, instead of doing the (admittedly very difficult) thing of facing up to the reality.

The reality as you’ve written it is that you’re with an alcoholic who emotionally and physically abuses you. An alcoholic is always an alcoholic, even if they don’t drink (and especially if they drink one day a week). Accusing you of cheating and monitoring what you wear is abuse. A man who is able to have sex with someone who doesn’t really want it and is in pain is despicable. You’re in a really grey area there that some would call rape.

It really really hard to admit such an awful set of things, so I understand why you’re trying to “fix” your sex drive. But that’s not the problem. Nobody would want to have sex with a horrible man like that. You deserve better.

What does he bring to your life? Wouldn’t you be better off without him, with control of your own body and clothes, and peace and quiet? Someone should improve your life, love and support you, not cause you all this stress and discomfort. 💐

edited to remove typo

Original poster

MamaNR · 04/07/2024 17:18

Thank you everyone, essentially I do view it as rape in my mind, as I don’t want sex and he knows I don’t, but I do it to make him happy, even tho it’s really hard for me to do sometimes.

I feel like I’m not good enough because I don’t want it anymore, and he keeps saying I don’t love him or not attracted to him cuz I don’t want to have sex. But I’ve told him exactly what’s wrong so many times and he just isn’t getting it.

we've also broken up so many times because I feel like he is bringing me more stress than a partnership at this point and my mental and physical health has been suffering.

OP posts:

FamouslyFrothy · 04/07/2024 17:30

Being really blunt - what happens if he's drunk one day and tries it on with you... you say no... does he go looking for your daughter? It's a hideous thought but if he's that much of a piece of shit that he'll repeatedly rape you then assume he has no limits.

The healthiest thing you can do for yourself and your family is leave.

Summerhillsquare · 04/07/2024 17:30

Entirely natural to not want to have sex with a man like that. Be honest with him and end it.

Runsyd · 04/07/2024 17:36

EveningSpread · 04/07/2024 17:13

OP, your sex drive isn’t the problem here. You’re doing that classic thing of thinking about how you can fix the situation, instead of doing the (admittedly very difficult) thing of facing up to the reality.

The reality as you’ve written it is that you’re with an alcoholic who emotionally and physically abuses you. An alcoholic is always an alcoholic, even if they don’t drink (and especially if they drink one day a week). Accusing you of cheating and monitoring what you wear is abuse. A man who is able to have sex with someone who doesn’t really want it and is in pain is despicable. You’re in a really grey area there that some would call rape.

It really really hard to admit such an awful set of things, so I understand why you’re trying to “fix” your sex drive. But that’s not the problem. Nobody would want to have sex with a horrible man like that. You deserve better.

What does he bring to your life? Wouldn’t you be better off without him, with control of your own body and clothes, and peace and quiet? Someone should improve your life, love and support you, not cause you all this stress and discomfort. 💐

edited to remove typo

Edited

This. For goodness sake, OP, wake up and kick him out.

Goodluckanddontfitup · 04/07/2024 19:11

You need to stop this, get rid of this waste of space. If you won’t do it for yourself, you certainly should be doing it for your kids who should not be around a man or a relationship like this.

Frith2013 · 04/07/2024 19:14

He's a danger to you and potentially to your children.

Please talk to someone in real life about this.

Catoo · 04/07/2024 19:30

Get rid.
He will still be drinking way more than you think and always will. He accuses you of cheating to confuse you and also probably because he is a cheat.

Put your DC first. Any time spent with this arsehole is time away from your DC.

Do you live together? If not just end it.

Purplecatshopaholic · 04/07/2024 19:34

Your sex drive is not the problem here op. You are with an abusive, rapey alcoholic. Please finish this - for your kids sake if not your own. You are worth more.

Crushed23 · 04/07/2024 19:44

anythinginapinch · 04/07/2024 17:05

I'd say, quite honestly, that I think you're a bloody fool to live with a man like that. No wonder your sex drive has vanished. Your body knows better than you that this man is not right for you. Good grief

This.

The body rejects what the mind doesn’t want.

bigethdicketh · 05/07/2024 10:55

MamaNR · 04/07/2024 17:02

Trying to get some advice/help regarding my sex life.

I’m 33 and have a 13 year old girl and almost 3 year old boy, I’m not with either of their fathers and my bf doesn’t have any children.

My daughter and I also have ADHD and depression and are both on medication. Life has been really stressful lately with her just starting her period and her hormones, and my terrible twos boy being a typical boy lol. I also work pt too.

My relationship has been rocky for pretty much the entire relationship which has only been a year and 3 months. He was an alcoholic when we met, but has been recovering and only drinks one day a week.

Tho he has major trust issues and paranoia in our relationship thinking I’m cheating on him and accusing me of it almost every other day for our relationship. It makes me feel like a pos to be accused all the time, walking on eggshells as he’ll analyze everything I do or say. He’s also been controlling with what I wear.

All this being said I’ve had no sex drive and it’s even been hurting to have sex. He is obsessed with sex and wants it every day. We started every other day just so I’d have a day to relax, but now it’s been once a week and it hurts and sometimes I can’t even let him finish.

I guess I’m trying to see if anyone else out there has a low or non existent sex drive similar to mine. Honestly I hate the thought of sex rn, just laying there in pain waiting for him to get off makes me feel worthless and I do cry sometimes after too.

thank you to anyone that took the time to read this insanely long post and has anything helpful to add :)

hi, i think the stress and the situation with your home life and this new guy sounds off putting even thinkin about having any kind of intimacy he seems very pushy and needy which is a red flag. not everyone wants sex every day or every other day, i have a lot going on at home and i lost my sex drive for 3 months it does come back but with responsibilites and pressure it does go away. maybe just get some you time self care and get rid of this guy or have a break if it is safe to do so xx

protectoroftherealm · 05/07/2024 11:05

Please tell me that this horrible man does not live with you and your children after only 15 months? Get him in the bin.