In the worst kind of limbo hell

[GlassHalfFull10]

Just a moan really as I've bored my best friend with it too much. I'd love to know if anyone else is in the same boat, or has been and survived this...

Marriage is in the death throes, it's been three years of me wanting to end it but not having the strength. He's not been the husband or father I'd hoped for, and I've run out of steam. We've tried counselling which helped to make him realise how angry and horrible he's been but wasn't enough to save anything.

Since Easter, he's been trying to be better but it just hasn't been enough, the love has gone and I'm dreaming of a new life in a new home.

I know I have to tell him and put that final nail in but I fear his reaction and I know he will take it badly, and very probably be a total arse. He doesn't like any form of change and will feel extreme shame in our friendship group and family. We've kept everything to ourselves for now.

We, me and the kids and him, will have to stay in the house, and I just want to wait till the end of term to get the kids through without disruption. So I'm trying to tolerate him, trying to be normal to the end of the month with this huge dagger of what's to come over my head. The house will be HELL once he knows and he WFH so is always in it, I will have no space.

Hopefully it'll be short term pain for long term gain once it does.

I guess no one? ... I guess I just wanted tips to get through it, or should I just tell him tonight and get it over with...

Do you know what the next steps are after telling him you’re done? I’d focus on that. Get legal advice, think about housing, find out what you need to do about divorce etc.

Sorry, no advice, but just to say, I am in the same boat. I've been in this limbo hell for around 4 years. First discussed splitting up in 2020 (as did many others I guess). Got back together for the sake of the kids, but I knew in my heart it wasn't going to work. Now here we are 4 years down the line. Nothing much has changed, although he is now in the spare room. The kids know, but not many others. We are planning to sell up next year, but right now, I have to live every day like this. We only talk to discuss the kids. No days out together as a family or meals. It's a sad existence, some days are better than others 🙁

Oh so sorry to hear, it's awful. I'm in the spare room as well and have been all of 2024. I just want to move on with my life but I know I have the huge trauma and upheaval of the 'official' split to come and also his moods and reaction once I drop the news that it's definitely happening.

Just move on Op- better for everyone involved including him. You need to sit in a quiet space and visualise the months after this is actually dealt with - how free you will feel, how he will then be in a proper space to deal with. it if he so chooses.

Shame is a natural feeling in a marriage break up - probably nobody who goes through one doesn't feel it. Let go of responsibility for his life and sort your own out - he then has a chance to freely live the life he can if he faces up to the truth.

No advice just so sorry you're going through this and very good luck. Sounds like it will be much better once you're through the awfulness of the split itself

I agree with @AnneLovesGilbert : focus on what comes next.

What documents will you need to gather for the divorce? e.g. proof of all his income, assets, savings and pensions, in case he tried to hide anything. Receipts for big purchases made recently like home improvements or an expensive sofa. Bank statements.

Will the house need to be sold? If so where will you live? Have you researched locations and prices? Have you thought about starting to sort your possessions, get rid of stuff, bought boxes to start packing?

Will you be staying in the house? Sometime a court orders this. How much mortgage remaining?
What will you do if he refuses to leave? Have you looked into what the police or solicitors can do in such a situation?

How much money will you have coming in? Have you looked up CMS rates based on his earnings?

Get practical and the time will go more quickly.

Plan for the future and make sure you have as much in place as you can. Consider how finances will go, work and childcare options, house situation etc. No point in telling him until you have a plan.

How quickly can you separate everything financially and physically. Honestly I'd use the time to find a new home even it's temporary and have all my letters for change of everything ready to go before I told him.

The quicker you're gone the better after telling him. Particularly for him. Difficult to rage against the universe if you're still there.

Plan, plan, plan. Get as much advice as possible, have all your finances arranged, you think you know someone but you really don’t when it comes to separation and divorce.

You’re going to be ok, you’re doing the right thing ✨

Thank you sooo much everyone. I suspect he will make everything as difficult as possible for me. We will have to sell the house yes, no way either of us could buy the other out. Renting in my area is extortionate and you have to sign for a year/unfurnished etc. so that's not really an option. I'd move out immediately if I wasn't leaving the kids, which I just can't do.

I saw a solicitor in Feb but she said that most of it is hypothetical until we separate. I know our finances and I have a clear idea of what I want. I am 110% sure he won't agree to anything out of principle unfortunately and he will dig his heels in about literally everything. That's the kind of person he is.

I've been where you are OP and really feel for you. It is the worst. But I PROMISE you it will get better. Getting it out there, telling him for sure it's over will bring some relief, then yes it'll be absolutely sh*t for a while. My ex was extremely difficult as well, I would have split up with him so much easier if he wasn't - how insane, though, to have stayed so long because of the dread of how awkward he would be about everything.

While we were splitting, I did dig my heels in about some things and am so glad I did. Others, I let go of - pick your battles is a good motto, and I also just kept focusing on what I needed to do to get out in tact, and with the kids. He made various threats, and it was an awful time - but I couldn't ignore it any longer, or keep not really living. And I know if I stayed it would have massively affected the kids, who probably would have grown up completely messed up about relationships and families. With us, by the time we physically lived apart (9 months later - thanks Covid!), we were pretty ok because I suppose we'd had to learn to wade through it under the same roof. There have of course been various difficult things to negotiate which he's made hard, but I have found he's responded to boundaries, which in the past I hadn't put in place because he was so difficult to confront, so I mostly swept all his pain in the arse behaviour under the carpet. So in essence, I've made him a better person - ha, which he'd never concede to!

And now, you wouldn't believe it but it's been almost 4 years and he's mostly fine. We go to school stuff together, do Christmas morning all of us, he's much more hands on with the kids and a better dad. And I am so much happier. It's like night and day. I have less money and time, but am richer in far more ways. The kids are fine (of course, the separation was hard in parts particularly after it physically happened and there are things I hate about this, like less time with them - but that does get easier).

I met someone else nearly 3 years ago; he was difficult about that but now that's fine too. They'll never go for a pint together obviously but it all rubs along ok. I'll always have difficulties with him because he's a difficult, stressed misery; but he has accepted it and compared to the months following me telling him, it's like he's a different person. I'm sure they're not exactly the same, but my ex gets VERY angry, is a total victim but eventually simmers down - I guess anger can't be held onto forever. He'll always be resentful of course and blame me, but not my circus now baby!

Good luck, you're strong - remember that. You know what you need to do, just ignore any manipulation / everything he tries to throw at you. Grey rock him.

OMG @SashTea your ex sounds EXACTLY like my husband. Thank you so much for sharing this as it has given me so much hope. Ultimately I do think he will be happier in the long run. I know I will definitely feel relief and then the shit will hit the fan. I feel like the best time to do it is in the summer hols when I am off work, can escape a bit more and neither of us will be seeing all of our friends all the time on the school run and otherwise to give him time to get to the simmer phase ;-)

Glad you have a plan forming @GlassHalfFull10 - hopefully you can do some practical / logistical thinking and planning in the next couple of weeks too, and keep posting anytime you need to. I mainly lurked building up to my split but it helped so much - hearing that, no, I didn't need to stay in an unhealthy relationship with a lazy joy-sucking stresshead. And that not wanting to be in that relationship was enough reason to end it. My ex was great at telling me how I was ruining our family and having a midlife crisis and would regret it (I was 39 🙄), so I'm very glad I'd read enough to not let him manipulate me any longer. Friends and their sane perspectives were also a huge help!

I also read this on MN years ago which made me uncomfortable as it rang so true and I was in denial about how unhappy I was. When we split, I kept re-reading it for strength. Now, I have it framed in my bedroom! https://hellopoetry.com/poem/5249/the-journey/