Being taken for granted?

[treetrunklegs]

I work from home 33 hrs a week. My husband works quite long hours and gets very tired. He does bins gardening etc and bits of DIY. I do cooking, cleaning, looking after dog and 9 cats. I dont mind the cooking etc because i am quite traditional. However i feel he is taking me for granted. We go abroad couple times per year but i contribute financially. However every Saturday he has to watch a local sports team during the summer. He goes about half 12 and comes home about 8 pissed. Sits in chair and goes to sleep. This is from april to september every saturday. He sometimes takes me for brekfast sarurday morning but am sure this is to make him feel better. I think he is taking the mick. Sometumes, not every week by any means i might want to go somewhere for day with him and my dog but he wants to carry on as we are. When i try to speak to him about it he accuses me of wanting to stop his fun. I suffer with mental health and tbh usually end up staying in bed all day watching TV. If i was ti go to see him i dont feel welcome and i know he doesnt want me there. Am i wring to want some attention for him. Is he taking me for granted. Please help

Don't you do anything on the Sunday together?

Usually it ends up being shopping day. He never comes up with ideas

I can see both sides to this, I do think especially when you haven’t got kids who monopolise your time it’s important to have your own time to spend with friends. Can you not agree Saturday is your own day and then Sunday is the day you spend together? Before my husband and I had our child thats sort of what we did so Saturday morning would be long dog walk together and out for breakfast then Saturday afternoon could be for friends/family/gym etc separately, Sunday we would always spend together.

I dont mind him going. Tbh i enjoy the peace. I suppose its the fact that he doesnt make any effort. I make him cooked brekkie in the morning, he watches sport on tv then of he goes. When he had a drink i dont like him. Every saturday is the same. I just feel like he takes me for granted. He comes home from work and doesnt lift a finger. I make t, take it to him, get him desert, make his work lunch and take him a cup if t 2 bed if he wants one. I just feel so used

When i try to speak to him about it he accuses me of wanting to stop his fun

Well he's managing to stop your fun as a couple every single Saturday, isn't he? And I dare say if he gets pissed every Saturday evening, he's going to be hung over and not exactly full of enthusiasm for a nice time with you on the Sunday either.

I wouldnt mind so much if he did it every other week or at least came home early not pissed so we could go for a drive out and a meal. He doesnt get hangovers but is such an arse when pissed

This sounds very one sided. Stop doing so much for him, you shouldn't be waiting on him , making his packed lunches etc especially if he doesn't lift a finger or do anything for you in return.
Re your Saturdays, if he refuses to give up his hobby how about finding a hobby or interest that you really enjoy so you can have some fun too? Do you have friends or family you can spend time with as well. You need to build your own interests then you don't miss him at all!

Why are you doing all of these things for him OP? Presumably he’s a grown man, he can make his own lunches, his own cups of tea, if you don’t enjoy doing it then just don’t do it. I do think pre-kids you have 2 weekend days free and there’s nothing wrong with him spending his Saturday afternoons with his friends and have Sunday as your day together but if you are unhappy with how your relationship is balanced in general then it’s that you need to look at. Although if you don’t like your partner when they’ve had a drink I would just leave now because life is too short for that

Why are you spending your life being mum to a grown man? One who doesn't even appreciate it!

Well stop waiting on him for a start. Call him when dinner is ready. Let him get his own dessert and he can make his own packed lunches. Same with cups of tea - stop being so subservient.

At the weekend go shopping before lunchtime if you feel you both need to go together. Sunday can be your day to go out together. Would he be open to a discussion about his drinking?

If he's not willing to treat you as an equal, or curb the drinking slightly (just so he's not coming in completely pissed) then ask yourself if this relationship is worth continuing.

Have you tried not doing anything for him on a Saturday?

As in, "oh honey it's clearly your day for you, which from now on will include you making your own food and drinks"

Basically match his effort to you.

Look at it from his point of view, he goes to work, comes home gets everything done for him, he can go out all Saturday doing what he likes, where is his incentive to change?

So just stop.

Let him come home to, I don't feel like a meal tonight but there is stuff in if you want to make yourself something.

I want to relax as well on Saturday so we will be responsible for our own laundry from now on

Etc etc

Talking to him will get you no where you need action. Or non action in this case.

I can see both sides. It is of course nice to have a partner who wants to spend time with you but it’s absolutely okay and pretty healthy for you both to do things by yourself / with friends as well.

it’s sounds like you are both contributing to the relationship so there is a level of balance, just have a chat and tell him how you feel.

But I don’t think it’s reasonable to expect him to totally give up going out.

Not really. Everyone’s entitled to enjoy their own hobbies, it sounds like you would benefit from having some of your own. There are endless things you could do to fill your time when he is out. Make Sunday a date day every single week. Do something nice together it doesn’t have to cost much either. If you want him to do more around the house then communicate that very clearly. Draw up a list of all jobs and split them fairly. I’d only be concerned if he refuses. Plan the day out and ask him to plan every other one if you want to, although I’m a planner and prefer to do it myself!

My husband is out every Sat or Sun, we go for a walk and brunch together before he goes out and then spend the other day together. Sometimes we’ll go out with friends/family together or most often spend it just us. We also have a at home ‘date night’ every Friday, either cook a meal together or get a takeaway and watch a series/film. We get food shopping delivered and have a cleaner so chores don’t eat into our weekend, when there’s been times we can’t afford a cleaner we have done it on an evening, again leaving weekends for our hobbies and us time.

To be honest, your mental is not really his problem and lying in bed all day on a Saturday is not good for it either.

Stop doing so much for him. You sound like his mum.

Start building your own Saturday life that gives you some joy and then in Winter make the most of the time together when the season has finished.