Lack of emotional support from DH

[Namechanger8]

My DH and I generally have a good relationship, but I feel he’s unable to provide emotional support during hard times. Either when I’m physically sick or mentally feeling low, he shuts down.

I know that the standard answer is that he sees me as a household appliance that’s broken, which makes him frustrated, but it’s not that. He more than carries his weight in the household and - as long as I’m well - wants me to rest/have fun/relax, in other words, he’s very caring, wants to take work off my shoulders (although not necessary and I tell him so) and just wants me to be happy. But suddenly, when I’m unwell and would actually need some caring, it’s different. Particularly when I’m feeling low, rather than physically sick. In these situations, I’d just want a hug, a bit of cheering up and someone to tell me that it’s all going to the be fine (I’m also pregnant which adds to occasional low mood or worries) but he just seems to be incapable of giving that. I’ve tried to communicate my needs and explain what would help (I don’t expect him to read my mind) but that just leads to an argument. I understand that it can be draining to be around someone who’s regularly in a low mood and leans too much on partners support, but I wouldn’t say that I’m always like that, I just occasionally feel down and overwhelmed.

I guess my questions are:
Am I unreasonable to lean on my partner for emotional support and should I seek mental health support instead for my low moods to take off this burden from him?
Did anyone experience the same with a partner who is usually caring, and found a good way forward? I strongly suspect him shutting down comes from a place of worry about me and feeling helpless.

Could he be autistic?

Other than being pregnant I could have typed this

I'm going through a fair bit of health anxiety/appointments at the moment, have been since Dec 23. It's been a long 6-7 months and I get it's draining for him. I've literally just this minute had a little cry to him. His response was there's nothing wrong with you because all tests so far have thankfully been clear. I'm stuck in an anxious rut, I guess he feels just stuck and helpless. It's tough.

I hope we both see brighter days soon 💐 good luck with the rest of your pregnancy x

@CinnamonTart he doesn’t have a diagnosis, but it’s possible

@Alwayssomething14 sorry to hear that you’re struggling! Sounds like this is tough for you and your partner, I hope you get good news soon!

Exactly same story.

Honestly I think it depends to an extent whether it is an occasional low mood or whether it is a mental health issue whether it is for your partner to support or for you to seek mental health support. As an example I have a 10 week old baby now but I had days like this when I was pregnant especially towards the end, nothing was really wrong I was just a bit miserable because I was enormous, I was uncomfortable and a bit fed up, in those situations my husband would comfort me with compliments, take me out or bring me little treats to cheer me up, run me a bath, give me a massage, that kind of thing. I didn’t need mental health support because there wasn’t an issue with my mental health in the sense that I wasn’t depressed or anxious, I was just a very pregnant human having a bit of a grumpy day. If I felt like that for days on end, or I did feel I was depressed rather than just having a bad day, then I would have reached out for mental health support.

I think sometimes it’s about helping your partner understand that you don’t expect them to have a cure or all of the answers for you, you just need them to be there for you however they can be in that moment x

My husbands the same - really quite incapable of providing mental/emotional support when I need it the most. I’ve concluded it’s because of his parents. They have a very 1950’s relationship so he’s never actually seen what that would entail..
I don’t have any advise other than telling him every time he’s not stepping up. I’m 15 years into my relationship and it’s gotten better, but i still don’t feel supported

I could have written this! DH takes after MIL who rarely shows any emotion. Hence DH only understands two moods. Pissed Off and Not Pissed Off.

I'm going through loads at the moment and need to talk. I can't talk to family as they're part of the problems, I don't want friends to know, but thrashing it out with DH would help as he has to be part of the solution. But apparently I'm pissed off - no, I'm upset

He needs telling directly OP when you’re needing a hug, heart to heart about things or support. I expect he doesn’t pick up on the cues for whatever reason. See it like giving an instruction and he should respond- it will not get easier once you have a child so start now and don’t take it personally as it sounds like he is well intentioned generally!

Yes - exactly like this. It was especially noticeable when I had cancer - but when I brought this up later he didn't see it at all and didn't take it well.

In the past I have had a therapist through bad years. I don't think this is something easily changed - you compensate, put up, or leave. He's good at very practical support - but can feel lonely when miserable about something and need more emotional support.

In the same boat, pregnant and need more emotional support but I haven't been able to get any support emotionally from H. It's been quite challenging, it's almost got to the point where I feel totally unloved and not cared for. He doesn't sees any problems in his behaviour, don't know what's the solution. Sending you solidarity and best wishes.

@Acinonyx2 what did you do eventually?

Sounds like u need professional help, u shouldn’t have to rely on others for stability, speak to yr GP.

@Wheelsonbus Sometimes I have therapy - sometimes I just manage. That's basically it. OTOH I think I probably do have a level of depression best dealt with by therapy but OTOH there is also a genuine lack of ordinary level everyday emotional support.

Yes totally. I think my husband is a perfectionist, raised in a home where "lazy" was a real insult and your worth was based on output. So he views me resting as being indulgent and wasting time. So especially with mental health or invisible tolls (like pregnancy) he seems to see it like weakness.

Get him to read men are from mars women are from Venus

I could have written this.

But this is exhausting after a while, and tbh having to ask every time is awful (I have a similar challenge with my dh) esp if you’re in the middle of a very evident issue ie you’re crying / visibly upset etc. We’ve had so many arguments about it that I’ve just stopped expecting anything as it hasn’t changed. It’s bloody miserable