Dealing with a narcissistic sibling

[AnonymousBleep]

I know the term 'narcissist' is over-used but I strongly believe my sibling has NPD. Without going into huge detail, she has weaponised her separation from her 'abusive' partner 15 years ago to extract large sums of money from our parents, she's never held down a job for more than a few weeks but has a mortgage, extension, expensive lifestyle with members' club membership etc that is largely funded by them, has triangulated the family so that everyone treads on eggshells around her and each other, and is impossible to challenge on anything as then you get told you're part of the 'abuse'. She has threatened suicide if she doesn't get her own way. She's got two kids, one of which is the classic Golden Child and one is the scapegoat. She's starting to make noises that the scapegoat is 'abusive' (he isn't - he just sees through her bullshit and she hates it) and she massively spoils and smothers the other child. He has no boundaries and my sibling treats him more like a boyfriend than a child. (Not saying there's anything untoward going on, it's just not a healthy model of parenting). She's also rinsing our parents of cash and I am worried that if my dad dies (he is very unwell) and leaves all the money to mum, as I expect he will, my mum won't be able to say no to my sister (she already can't) and that money will swiftly vanish, leaving mum struggling to pay for any care she might need. So I have twin worries about my nephews and my parents but I don't know what to do about any of it. Our other sibling is also aware and concerned about the potential for mum getting ripped off. It's impossible to reason with a narcissist as they so firmly believe their own version of events, and in her world, she 'has' to have that money and doesn't believe she is anything other than a perfect parent. She and I have a fractious relationship - well, I just avoid her as much as I humanly can, and live as far away as possible. It's not me I am worried about here though. Advice please!

Is your father able to see that your mother is at risk of being left penniless? If so, I would suggest he changes his will and leaves the money to a trust he sets up for your mother’s benefit. The trustees should be instructed to pay household bills etc directly and release cash funds for your mother’s day to day expenses only. The trustees should be non family members who know about the situation.

This is really good advice

The problem is he's been so ill, it's been hard to talk to him about any of this. I know he's aware of the situation and I think the idea of a trust is a really good one. I will confer with my other (non-narc) sibling about talking to Dad about this.

I'd just like to add that I am also after advice on how I can support my nephew. It must be so damaging growing up with a narc parent but I feel like if I say to him anything along the lines of 'your mum's a massive narc, you know' and he throws that at her during one of their many arguments, then all hell will break loose.

You are stuck between a rock and a hard place.

If your sister really is in the Cluster B personality disorder spectrum (which includes conditions like BPD), then she will always be impossible to reason with. You cannot reason with an unreasonable person.

You can only protect yourself from her, as she will cause chaos wherever she goes.

It is surely an awful situation for your mother (and father I'm guessing) because of her naturally tangled emotions about her difficult daughter. All you can do is speak to your parents about your concerns and offer to help in any way they need. Perhaps she needs help to be able to say no to your sister. Perhaps she doesn't WANT to say no and will continue to let her deplete her bank account until there is nothing left.

It's so hard to step back, but I think you're going to have to. It's your parents' responsibility to set their boundaries with her, not yours. If they were mentally vulnerable in some way, it would be different, but it just sounds like this has been going on forever and they may have unintentionally made her worse by pandering to her.

I know what you mean by her treating him like a substitute husband. This can happen with narcissistic people who end up expecting the lackey child to fulfil various particular and emotional duties, but expect much less from their golden one. I feel sorry for him.

The only thing you can do is try to maintain a good relationship with your nephew, and provide a good female role model for him.

I feel your pain, my late mother was a narc.

I was the scapegoat and my brother the golden child, my brother died leaving me the scapegoat with a mother who resented me even more.

I think he got a lot of money out of my mother, she took out equity release and the money disappeared!

As others have said you will never reason with her.

Could the money she has had be written up as a loan and the adjustment be made after the death of your Mother?

We did have experience of a family trust but the executors and solicitor found a loophole so a family member didn’t benefit.
If you go down that route make sure it’s water tight.

My final piece of advice is stay as close as possible to your scapegoat nephew, he will be very damaged.
I thankfully had an Uncle and Aunt who were my saviours.

What the other respondents have written here. Please take full heed. You have to protect yourself. Your mother already cannot say no to your narcissistic sister and she will as a result keep tapping her for money.

Support your nephew by remaining a safe person for him to talk to on the outside. He will likely leave home sooner than later and will rarely if ever return.

How old is he?

I was a scapegoat for a narcissistic stepfather so can relate.

Realistically, the sooner he gets independent and cuts all contact the healthier for him. You might support him with this perhaps if this is what he wants and is old enough?

These people don’t change and sadly cutting ties is the only way of protecting oneself. Perhaps not completely but significantly.

Plus, if she’s starting to accuse him of abuse, he might want to do it sooner rather than later. If she’s a narcissist, she won’t think twice about lying to the authorities to ‘punish’ him. The further away he is from her, the better.

Both nephews are both early teens.

I predicted that she'd turn on my scapegoat nephew, like she always does with people she can't manipulate, and she has.

It's so difficult with a sibling who claims to be abused, when you also know she can look you in the eye and lie to you, and as you say, she'll go to the authorities to accuse without a second thought. Narcs believe their own lies. She tried to get me to say I'd seen her ex hit her, even though I hadn't, and then went mad when I refused to go on the record with the police about it. She's also taken stories from my past and told them as if they were her own - in front of me! It's next stage delusional, and massively entitled, as she thinks she's actually entitled to my identity.

Yes, this has been going on forever - since we were kids, in fact. Mum has pandered to her, but the narcissism (she's more a covert than an overt narcissism) didn't really show as full-blown as it is now until she got into a relationship with another narcissist. Everything since then has just snowballed massively. My parents do bear some responsibility - but there's a selfish part of me that thinks, if she ends up spending all mum's money, it's me and our other sibling who'll end up funding mum's care, and I don't have the money for that!

If he's aware of the situation, even better. He will understand your motive. You're just want things to be fair.

No it's understandable that you would be resentful and angry at her at the thought of her behaviour impacting you as well.

Good luck OP. Some similarities between my sibling dynamics and yours, although not as overt. I think the trust idea is genius if your dad would agree to it, although it's hard to imagine it going smoothly. Another would be to ensure that financial and medical power of attorney for your DPs is set up to you or your nice sibling, as you can be sure that the narc will try to take control at some stage. Also agree that gently being there for your nephews, and building up a relationship with them independently (rather than via family group settings) is a good thing to do. I'm doing this - so far just exchanging occasional messages directly rather than on family WhatsApp groups, but hopefully it sends a signal that I'm interested in them and like hearing from them.

The first thing the narc sister said when Dad got ill was that she'd need his bank details to 'help' with paying bills etc as Mum wouldn't know how to do that. She repeated this to me and our other sibling several times, even though we told her absolutely no way, and to stay out of it. She's got her eye on the prize there, though, she couldn't have made it any clearer.

One for your chat with your dad then - PoA more important than the trust, in that case.

Be very careful about your relationship with your nephews. You cannot be seen to be anything other than totally neutral.

My advice would be to never initiate any talk about their parent, and if they choose to speak to you, be a silent listener and do nothing other than acknowledge what they have said. A hug and a bacon sandwich maybe. A big smile and letting them know they are safe with your confidence. That's all you can do.

Their relationship with their mother will be complicated, and their feelings / emotions still highly complex and tangled up. Don't get in the middle of any of it.

It's hard, I know, but you can't fix any of this. Being a warm, kind aunty with no axe to grind goes a long way.

Neither you nor your other sibling would be responsible for funding your mum's care at all. If she doesn't have the money, then the state will pay. If the state doesn't like the fact that your narc sibling has milked her of all her money, then they will take matters into their own hands. There is something called intentional deprivation of assets, and this is something SS looks for when assessing someone's ability to pay for care. If the money has gone, then they will want to know where, who to, and what for. If it can be shown that your parents were coerced or browbeaten into parting with their money, then it will be the narc sibling in a whole heap of trouble.

I would read up on borderline personality disorder, it sounds very like this, especially the toxic triangles she creates. My husband has a close family member with this and she is so unreasonable that it has ripped his family apart.

As a PP said, deprivation of assets is something that is looked at and council can and will try and recoup the money.
Also in terms of IHT, HMRC will look at the 7 year rule so thats something else for your sibling to look forward too.
sadly one of the reasons your sibling is like she is will be your parents have never ever said no to her since she came out of the womb.