Advice needed

[Pammyc78]

Hi I have been with my partner for 18 months. And after a few horrid relationships ii feel like I've found someone who treats me like I've always wanted to be treated.
He always has my back and sticks up for me when he feels like people are taking advantage of me. And this includes my kids.

My youngest 2 who live with me are almost 16 & 18. My youngest son at 15 is so lazy. He sleeps all day and up all night. His room is constantly dirty. And no matter how many times I ask him to tidy up and help around the house. He just doesn't listen. He plays on his PlayStation all night long. I ask him every night at midnight to stop talking gonline as we are trying to sleep as we both work. But I'm finding him still up at silly hours on it and it's pissing me off. This morning he was still on it at 6am as he hadn't been to bed yet. And it woke my partner up. My partner went into his room and had a go at him. I then went in to ask him to go to bed and he gave me back chat, so my partner list it and I felt like they both were squaring up to each other. I had to step in the middle. My son got really upset and wanted to leave the house where my partner said to let him. My son now thinks I'm sticking up for my partner. I'm not. I'm trying to make him understand that what he's doing is wrong by speaking to me the way he does and getting him to see what he does is disrespectful by not listening. I'm really struggling with it. I know I'm too soft on my kids and that's why I feel like this is an issue. Myself and my kids aren't used to having someone else being authorities with them. Is my partner in the right and do any of you allow your partners to be authorities when it comes to your kids. My partner doesn't have any kids of his own and he says it's hard to sit back and watch my kids take the piss out of me. Please help xxx

accept that teens have different body clocks

your partner does not attempt to parent your teen at any time

Your son doesn't back chat you, but you deal with that between him and you, it does not involve your partner

Of course you don’t accept your teenager gaming all night. You recognise that you’re “too soft” so change that. Decide on boundaries and what consequences they would face for crossing those. (If my teen gamed all night they would lose the console for a while at least.)

No I don't think your partner of 18 months should be having a go at your DC. It's not their place and could drive a wedge between your child and you. It's nice they want to stick up for you but they need to let you manage this one. It's awful that your partner "lost it" at them too whatever that means.

Back chat is also not worth blowing up over IMO.

How long has your teen been acting like this?

You need to parent more effectively - can't you turn WiFi off? Does your DC not have school?

As above but-turn the Wi-Fi off. Change the password if necessary, take the Playstation away and his phone after 10 pm. He can maybe have them back in return for a clean room. Try and keep your partner out of it but if I were him, I wouldn't like to have to live with this mess and rudeness. I think it's hard on both sides, your boy and your partner tbh. You need to be an effective parent. I used to take the router to bed when my daughter first discovered the internet.

All good advice but 10pm is too late for a 15 year old.

He always has my back and sticks up for me when he feels like people are taking advantage of me. And this includes my kids

I got to this bit and I almost didn't want to read any further.

You have a choice to make now between your relationship with your boys, and your relationship with him, and it involves you getting a backbone, unfortunately.

Do not let your boyfriend discipline your teenage sons. Tell him he is not to step in on this front, ever. If he doesn't like it he needs to move out if he lives with you, and stay away from them if he doesn't. The end.

Seperately, you need to work out how you're going to navigate this next stage of parenting, and accept that the 15YO might be playing up because his mum's boyfriend's presence isn't appreciated. Squaring up to a 15 year old? You know where this goes next OP, switch yourself on. Stop being so passive.

Why are you letting a 15 year old wake you up all night??

Any day of the week or weekend is not on at all, and you both have to work.

It must be like Chinese water torture. It's also antisocial behaviour.

Personally I'm not surprised your DP flipped.

Time for you to sit down and sort your DS out.

It's your house and there's got to be house rules.

It's your DS that's out of order.

I’m with my husband years and if he squared up to my son I would be livid. A grown man does not square up to a child even if they were the father.
why can’t you turn a timer on WiFi ? Why do you not be more firm on rules? This is your battle not a bf of 18 months.
stick up for you? Fgs you’re the adult, you don’t need him to do that.
the fact you ask this shows you are on partners side. Not ok.

Maybe choose a time that works for you. I was up and about and online at 10pm (working) so couldn't turn the router off before then but each family has it's own patterns.

He shouldn’t square up to a 15 year old (or any one really), but I don’t agree with people who say a ‘step’ parent (in brackets as I know they aren’t married) shouldn’t get involved in discipline. If he lives there then yes I think he should step in if the teen is being rude to the mum.

Your DS playing on his PlayStation all night is not on in any shape or form.

It's not only detrimental to him, it affects everyone.

Time to enforce some ground rules.

Turn off the router at a certain time every night. Or don't allow your DS access to the password, so you control it.

The key is to be consistent.

If you allow him to stay up all night, he's not going to stand a chance doing his GCSEs.

His laziness is also problematic, and it's hardly surprising if he's up all night.

No money or lifts etc., unless his room is tidy and dirty washing is put in the basket, otherwise it's not done. And stick to it.

I think your DP is unnescessarily getting a very hard time from some posters.

Constant sleep deprivation is a very effective form of torture in lot's of countries around the world.

Do not underestimate it's effectiveness for people to snap and lose control.

It's your DS that you need to get on track before it becomes an impossibility and now is the time to sit him down and explain what is expected of him and YOUR house rules, not his.

Your partner knew what they were getting into getting involved with someone who has two teens. Surely they cannot be surprised there will be issues sometimes. They need to stay out of it, get used to it, or ship out.

At no time should they be an “authority” over your children. If you want to permanently destroy your relationship with your children, continue allowing your partner to meddle in their lives.

It might be that the relationship will end anyway at some point, you might then come to regret prioritising a partner over your children.

I’m assuming you purchased the PlayStation? At which point, you should confiscate it until your teen has decided to respect the sleep of others in the house.

Can you not wait until your teen has gone to university? Why do you have to move another adult into your home? Are they homeless? You can go to see them sometimes so this person is not constantly in your children’s hair.