Despairing... friends excluding me, coping with loneliness

[lb640]

Sorry this is a bit long. In life, it's been very hard for me to grow confidence and make and keep a close group of true friends. I've been badly bullied since childhood, and into part of adulthood unfortunately.

Really lonely rubbish life basically, I'm an easy target but I've worked on it and sought help.

I dont have anything to do with my family as they're abusive and violent also.

I thought I had finally gained a great social circle over the past 7 years and been so happy....
But these friends haven't been the greatest possibly: increasingly taking me for granted and speaking to me like im an idiot, landing me with problems (one is a mechanic and sold me a crap car for example)
They weren't this bad years ago and nobody's perfect and I've tried desperately to get along with people (one ex bully I had says everyone hates me and I worry, but maybe she was right!)

One male friend is the worst. He used me and led me on, turned out it was to make his now girlfriend jealous. They now spread rumours about me sometimes and like to exclude me, but the others used to ignore him...
I coped with him fine for years, and the others said I deserved a medal for not making drama out of it and having a sense of humour.

The good times really did balance the bad mostly, but it's got worse. But I like the company and not being alone in the world, and I like having friends.

I had enough after that idiot guy kept making rude comments and shooting me down. Claiming I'm "bullying" him, and I demean women everywhere, which is ridiculous. He also says I'm very stupid, bla bla bla.

I didn't confront the group or anything dramatic but I did take my closest 'friends' aside and tell them I'm not taking anymore of this, and please stop laughing at the bully's misogynistic insults thrown at me as it encourages him.

One said they found it entertaining though!

I've said strongly that I don't want to disrupt the group or cause problems and I've hung out with them perfectly civilly in the few weeks since I laid my boundaries down, and wanted to carry on as normal but without the nastiness.

We're all adults (30s) so how hard can it be?

No point challenging the main male bully as I've tried that before and he says its all in my head and then claims to the others I've abused him or if I do it in front of the others he says I'm hormonal (ew).

So now the group have suddenly dumped me, and made it clear they're meeting and having fun without me.
I drove past a pub to get home and they were all sitting outside toegther (which they never do) looking at me!

They haven't spoken to me (or have blocked me) since suddenly dumping me, and the mechanic friend has sacked me from doing a bit of work for him.

There's no entertainment for them since I finally stood up basically, and the bully who hates me can't play with me any longer so I guess I'm just unwanted trash now.
After 7 years of hanging out every week or several times a week!

Yet they act like they're so great and I'm the problem. How can horrible people like this keep friends and I can't?!

And all the insults and put downs they've tagged me with over the years hurt. I tried to be the bigger person and manage it and I've been nice to all of them.... but I still failed.

I'm dreading christmas the most for some reason, as having no family I would spend it with them and this helped so much mentally.

Not much to do that will help, im aware..., just looking for a despairing vent I guess.

Bullies always win. Struggling to live with the total loneliness again, I have no one.

It sounds like they have done you a favour here OP. These weren't your people. Far from it. It always hurts to feel like your not wanted or liked but honestly, these do not sound like good friends.

Have you got any hobbies you do? Could you join some local clubs to meet people. Not necessarily to meet your next best friend, but just to have some regular social interaction. I've found joining clubs always a bit uncomfortable for the first couple of weeks, until things feel familiar and then they are great.

I'd also use this time for some self reflection. If this has been a pattern since childhood and you're now in your 30s and it's still the case, are there any changes you can make? Maybe setting stronger boundaries with people, doing things to grow your self esteem and self worth.

Oh man, that’s tough. My daughter was bullied out of her friend / flat group last year. Horrendous, people can be awful :(

your group sound awful, not your tribe, not your friends, not your people.

im so sorry. It will be ok. Eventually.

we have done everything to bother up again, and luckily she is resilient. She got back out there, made friends with new flatmates and is working hard to be happy. saving for travel and new experiences.

I’m sorry you had a bad time.
You cannot change people or their attitudes it is only yourself and your own reactions to your feelings that are within your control.

Issue here is your boundaries, I made friends with a woman just over a year ago via a hobby. As I got to know her it became obvious she had a very different attitude to me and whilst I have friends with different opinions hers were too extreme, people rarely show their true face immediately. So I distanced myself and as a very new friendship with no real enmeshments it was easy to let it fizzle out with no real drama.

I would suggest therapy is needed. Plus what about any workmates, are you friendly with them?

I have moved around a lot because of work, you need to cast your net far and wide to find true friends but need confidence to do that. In my previous job I worked in a dept with 70 members of staff. Most were at least ok. I became very good friends with 3 and remain in touch, seeing one this week and I left a decade ago, he left 3 years ago. That I thought was an excellent success rate.

Find some volunteering groups OP.

Especially over Christmas, or get an evening job in a pub.

You will be out of the house meeting people. And could pick up extra shifts.

Think of all the time you don't have to waste on them now. It's likely to implode the friendship group they will need a new scapegoat. And it's no longer you

Who you were as a child is not who you are now.

Never apologise never explain. This is a case of fake it until you make it.

If any of them come crawling back asking for a favour you say no sorry can't.

You have made an enormous progress op!!

Years ago you would have continued to go back to the group, regardless of how they treated you! This time you have said no - that is my line in the sand - and we are not going to be friends anymore. Well done you!!!

Now to make some new friends and move on.

My advice to you would be to avoid groups like the plague. They always go bad like this eventually. It is not you, but the group dynamic. Make individual new friends with other people, and start now. Join a hobby group, a meet up or a few exercise classes and start to mix.

Stop driving past where you know where they will be, and stop interacting in any form. Block them all. If you see them, ignore them completely or a cheery hello if they have greeted you is more than enough, don't stop to chat at all. This will become easier!

You can do this op. Deep one to one friendships are the way forward, that way they are less likely to end up like this.

Be proud of yourself that you finally stood up to them, honestly they don't deserve you and your kindness in any way. They definitely were not your freinds

Keep those thoughts and boundaries in place for future friendships, if anyone makes you feel that way again walk away, life's to short for shit freinds.

Be proud that you stood up to them and are out of this horrendous group. They are vile people

You were the scapegoat, the group will probably dine out on slagging you off for a while but eventually they will need another scapegoat and will pick someone else in the group

It will be hard to start with but eventually you'll look back and wonder why you spent much time with these bullies

Oh, OP. Obviously these are not nice people or in any way your friends, but you already know this, and, as there’s absolutely nothing you can do to alter other people, I’m going to concentrate on your own actions, because those you can change.

You spent years allowing these people to mistreat you without consequences. You seem to think that you were doing something to be admired by putting up with this mistreatment (‘I was the bigger person’, I ‘didn’t confront’, ‘I was so nice to them’), but in fact what you were showing your ‘friends’ was that you would put up with any amount of bullying in order to be allowed to hang around with the group.

Being mistreated was better than being left out. You people-pleased and deprioritised your own feelings in order to get a particular result — to be included. You taught these people that you were a safe butt for misogyny, teasing, scamming, public bullying, because you just took it. When you finally appealed against this, you were no longer ‘entertaining’ and your use was gone.

Even now, though, you’re wistful about your days of being ‘in’ the group, dreading Christmas etc.

Let me emphasise this is not your ‘fault’, as it sounds as if your upbringing was abusive, you’ve been a continual bullying target, and you’ve never learned how to have healthy, equal relationships.

You need therapy with someone good to unpick this, and why you have unconsciously decided that inclusion merits being mistreated. You need to learn that you are the most important person to yourself, and that others will treat you as you treat yourself. it will be difficult work unpicking all these core beliefs, but the best thing you can possibly do for yourself.

Thankyou all so much, def taking it all on board. I'm self employed and work solo, but I get to see people sometimes so that's not too bad.
I'm going to try and dip toe in a few groups I've found, but bar job would also be handy, it's how I made a start getting social for the first time in my early 20s and I did enjoy it. May talk to local pub and use the early finish day now friend sacked me!

Really knocked confidence but I'll try!

I've got a weekend break booked with the idiot group but either they'll just sell my ticket for me or I'll take myself around the city and leave them to it! Thank god we have separate rooms! (Amd I don't need to babysit them!)

Thankyou all again

Don't focus on acquiring a new group of 'friends', focus instead on increasing the number of acquaintances you have. So join a walking group, go along to an exercise class, use your library, join a choir etc etc. Things where you go along, make small talk and gradually get to know people without any pressure. the more people you know the more likely you find people you click with who may go onto become friends.

Yeah I second this. Do t go searching for your "best friend". Just get "friendly" with lots of people

You poor thing OP, this makes me so sad. I've read endless posts on here by people who sound lovely (as you do) who have been left out or mistreated by their friendship group or their family. It makes me sad to think this is such a big part of human nature. It happens at school and many people clearly continue it into adulthood. You even see it in documentaries on animal societies.

I think all you can do is remind yourself that it's not your fault, you're not a bad person - but at the same time perhaps you're the kind of person who simply is a bit vulnerable to this kind of behaviour (you wouldn't be alone - I think I'm a bit like this too by nature). So you just need to be aware of it and remind yourself you won't put up with being treated badly - and you haven't. Well done.

I hope you can gather yourself and move on to joining new groups and making new friends and acquaintances. You sound a lovely person who has been dealt an unfair hand in life and has managed to overcome some difficult times. Sending a hug for you.

This all sounds really hurtful, but try not to think of it like the bullies have ‘won’. It’s you who has won because you stood up to them, and now you don’t have to deal
with them any more. You can move on and find nicer people to spend time with.
They have lost because they’re stuck with each other and their pathetic bullying group and negativity. They’ll find someone else to bully, while you get to be free and live a nicer life without them!
It sounded like they made you unhappy, aren’t nice people, and now you don’t have to put up with them any more.
They’re only managing to keep friends who are like themselves and enjoy bullying others. You aren’t like that and that’s why you haven’t stayed friends with them.
Try and do nice things for yourself, keep telling yourself how happy you are without them, even if you feel hurt now you will eventually believe it.

They are not good for you. They are no loss. I agree with others who suggest you don’t look for friends but rather get involved in activities that you enjoy.
You might also want to consider the reasons you might feel you are often excluded. Have you though you might be neurodiverse?

Thanks guys! Great advice I will just focus on accquantices, and keep fingers crossed. Would love to have a little group again one day (but as said,not one that bonds over picking on other people!)

Interestingly the wife of one of the mean friends who I've always got on great with has said she wants to keep me as her close friend and missed me.
Which is sweet and I'm confident she's genuine (she's not impressed with her darling husband and the bully guy planning the display at the pub knowing I'd have to pass and see them! But its their choice).

It's hard that unfortunately through her I hear of what the group is doing without me eg holiday im now booted out of, and lots of gatherings..... but that's just a me thing, need to not care somehow..., and just need to be happy I've kept one pal!

Oh and no not nuerodiverse but the good medical or counselling people I have been involved with have said I was unsocialised and childhood abuse was bad, which I'm aware of!

Also skull damage found as a baby and slight cerebal palsy after that but I seem to function fine. I have bad cptsd they tell me and I've had terrible bouts of depression but I work hard at it

My schools thought I was autistic because I was mute and acted a bit unusually but then after a few years they realised I was just that badly abused so the support staff said I likely am not after some tests (I'm told!)

Ha, goes to show when I do use my voice against misogynistic men and bullies guess who comes out on top...urgh.

...this was longer rant than I thought 😅

Very well done on setting out your boundaries and not tolerating this shitty behaviour from them OP. This is excellent work and you should be proud of yourself, they sound like rubbish friends.
Well done on being brave enough to take the first step.

now step 2 is to follow the good advice above and get involved in activities elsewhere and the rest will follow. You sound nice OP, there are loads of other nice people in your future who will be better friends to you. Keep going OP, you’re doing well x

It is hard to know exactly what is going on here, but it sounds as if your unusual social behaviours make you a target for the wrong kind of people, and maybe makes less problematic people back away?

I don't think it's as simple as "these awful people have done you a favour, onwards and upwards". It sounds as if you need support and help both with social interaction and managing friendships when issues arise.

You’re well rid OP, I’d be embarrassed to call them friends and then have to list out those behaviours!

You’ve gotten good advice on letting go of the idea of having a ‘friendship group’. Some people do have a close knit group but it’s not a necessity in life and is a bit of an idealistic/fairytale thing sometimes. I don’t have a friendship group but I meet/know people in lots of different areas of life.

Don’t focus on finding a friendship group, it won’t ‘cure’ your loneliness. Take up a class based hobby (sport, art, volunteering, choir, whatever) and just go once a week and enjoy it. You don’t need to force friendships to be happen outside of the group but it’s just nice to know you have a weekly social gathering to look forward to. Volunteering with animals might be good for you (if you’re an animal lover).

Agreed.

OP, I do think you need therapy in order to break this social pattern, and your implicit belief that inclusion is worth mistreatment (and maybe, in your life, inclusion has always or almost always involved mistreatment as a condition for being ‘in’ groups?). I notice that you are still wistful about the group doing things without you, and that you’re still phrasing it as them excluding you, not you having dropped them due to mistreatment (eg you say ‘the holiday I was booted out of’).

As you embark on finding jobs or hobbies that open up the possibilities of making new acquaintances and possibly friends, it sounds to me as if this is the moment for therapeutic work on your limiting patterns of belief about friendships, so you don’t head straight back down the same path of being so desperate to be included that you put up with any amount of unpleasant behaviour.

For instance, I don’t in the least want to rain on your parade about the wife of one of your former bullies wanting to stay friends, but I’d approach with healthy caution and not put too much into it, at least initially. For one thing, she’s the source of continual information about group activities that appear to still make you sad, for another — wasn’t she in the group that mistreated you, even if she wasn’t a ringleader? Surely she had endless opportunities to challenge your mistreatment over the years?

Yes that's true. The unusual behaviours I have stopped, it was things like chewing on my hands because I was so anxious, lot of panic attacks, and I was basically mute, and also stooped a lot, apparently, and refused all eye contact

I met with two old schoolmates two years ago and one didn't recognise me and refused to believe it was me for a while so hopefully I'm improved a bit from when I was a lot younger!
But yeah I agree now I look back I was such a doormat in early years of friendship. No wonder they are put out now I guess.

And I really want to see what makes me such a target. I have some ideas (a lot of what you said basically) and I'm working with someone now again

The wife I'm close with says we are both people pleasers. Which I kind of agree with. We both need some work! (Well I need a lot!)

Yep I'm a bit wary of staying friends with her, but she's known about a lot of the mistreatment and has always been supportive, and included me so I'm kind of giving her the chance.

She was away when the pub display happened and it's made me realise i think I'm only included in group if she is there as she wants me.

I think we need another chat to establish that I don't want to hear anything (she sometimes tells me she is away with them for example as we meet for a hobby regularly, that sort of thing) but I expect she'll be fine with that.

Says because of her DH (who is best mates with bully boy) and also due to one of the idiots living with them in their house, she feels stuck to do much, but she isn't best pleased with what's going on especially with the males.

I'll guess I'll see how it goes for now

This post is really helping though and advice so thanks.
Trying to stop being overwhelmed being upset about this nonsense, and it's helping.
I thought i was so much tougher and that but I do need to look at my views on 'friends' more for sure. And hopefully one day I'll kick myself for taking this for so many years
Wish I was normal :(