Should I just be happy with what I have?

[PeachGuide]

So I’ve been with DH for over 18 years and we have two children together. DS is 15 and Dd will soon be 12. We have always been quite different, but have generally found a way to make the relationship work and give the kids a stable, loving home. I’m quite ambitious and energetic - I’ve worked my my way up to quite a good job and love to travel and make plans for the future. Hubby is content to stay home and watch TV. He seems to have lost touch with most of his friends and has no real ambition to progress at work. It seems the more I change and grow as a person the less we connect with one another. He seems to get moodier and I guess I seem more difficult to him - he says I’m trying to change him, and I know that I need to make more of an effort to accept him as he is. He’s a good person, but is this really it? When we argue I generally listen and try to acknowledge my role in the argument, but he refuses to accept any of the responsibility or work on making the relationship better. We seem to be arguing more these days but he won’t see a marriage counsellor. I often feel sad and disconnected from him, but the idea of breaking up our family is out of the question. Has anyone else been in this situation? Did things get better? Did you just wait it out until the kids were older? Maybe I’m simply expecting too much, but something just doesn’t feel right. How can I make it better if he doesn’t even want to try?

Following because I could have written this. Right down to the age of my kids. We are both early 50s but while I am thankfully full of enthusiasm for life, he is Victor Meldrew with quite a mean streak. I would not put up with it if it wasn't for the kids bur they would be heartbroken if we split. Sorry I have no advice ! Just feel like I'm treading water...

It will get worse not better.

I left and I am still springing back from the repression. Life is immeasurably lighter. Exdp is also much much brighter and enjoying life more (irritatingly tbh!!).

You get one life OP, live it.

It’s not good for kids to live in an unhappy home either.

Sounds like you need to date again. Do you go out alone etc do you still love him well are you still in love. I split with my ex husband after 20 odd years together we met in high school I was 13! Married by 20 for similar reasons to you I split and it was really hard and my kids found it really hard. I missed my best friend sometimes still have times when I wonder what the hell happened really I would have been married 20 years this week. I am married again now and very much in love but my husband is well a handful and it can be exciting but also exhausting he is very stubborn too and quite argumentative. I sometimes miss my simple life and my ex was very laid back but too much for me if that makes sense. My now husband and I go quiz nights walks go on mini weekends we holiday at least one week of the year alone we have gran look after our little one so maybe you need to do more together if he will. Is he possibly depressed? Has he seen GP ? Hope it works out for you Money obviously prevents dating but walking picnics etc can be romantic we often stop for coffee or at a pub after dog walks it's just nice to relax together x

Sometimes it’s just good to know
we’re not alone!

Glad you’ve managed to turn your life around!

It won't get any better. He's probably depressed, but that's no excuse. Meanwhile, your kids are soaking up that bad atmosphere and it will show in their behavior sooner or later.

If you want a chance at the marriage surviving, you're going to have to give him an ultimatum, marriage counselling or divorce.

On this, I may be projecting. My ex became increasingly lumpish, morose, and angry, refused to do anything but watch TV, eventually in bed, (I moved out of the shared bed) and we couldn't make any kind of plan without arguing.

It affected our daughter (12-15 at the time) dreadfully, and we've both been much happier since getting him out of our lives.

Hubby is content to stay home and watch TV. He seems to have lost touch with most of his friends and has no real ambition to progress at work

There's nothing wrong with this it's just different.

It's easy for people to say you have one life live it but there are other things to consider.

You see what most people fail to do is realise nothing is perfect and truly accept it and be at peace with it.

I’m not saying you should stay in a comfortable marriage but that if you were to want to leave then what would your alternative reality truly be? Would it truly be better, would it truly make you happier or are you just HOPING it’ll be better?

Yes I think he’s depressed - he thinks so too but won’t see anyone and am at a loss how to help him… I try to encourage him to see the one friend he’s still in touch with. I often suggest going out and doing things together - but he rarely enjoys it unless we stay close to home and he’s in his ‘comfort zone’. It’s exhausting being the one who tries all
the time. He’s been making more of an effort to do things with the kids, so I guess that’s something!

You’re right, we’re just very different. I can accept the differences between us, but not
so much the lack of emotional connection. Maybe being perimenopausal has made me more aware of this!

True. Do you love him still?

Have you ever had a good emotional connection? What would a good emotional connection look like to you?

Bless you it's so hard. Medication is nothing to be ashamed of or therapy. Is there anything he really enjoys? My other half likes tennis I've offered to play. Something he used to do may bring it back. Not sure about herbal stuff but might be worth a try Holland and Barret do some great stuff. Another thing to try is just enjoy your own life go out have fun with friends go gym etc I love yoga really good de-stress might just lift you too and he will start to wonder what he's missing maybe.. your having fun while he's sat with TV. X

That's where it started for me. I thought I could stick it out as long as our daughter was happy, but then his depression and anger started to affect her and arguments we had spilled over onto her, and he just didn't care.

I kept thinking my energy and enthusiasm for life would keep us buoyed up, but his attitude eventually dragged me down. By the time we separated I had a host of weird physical symptoms, from a frozen shoulder to stomach issues, that have now all magically resolved themselves.

I ‘ll tell you a secret: ALL of them become like this after getting married! After a while at least. Couch, saliva, “are we eating anything?”, belly, almost 0 sex after a while and ALL THIS?: While they are scrolling on social media drooling and messaging women.

I cannot tell you how many times I have been approached by men on insta, men who look normal, only to add them and then look at their pictures and see they have a family and kids. And then of course remove them and block. All these men you would never imagine they are this type and they give the “family man” vibe, and NO I am far from the kind of woman who has suggestive photos etc.

I have ended up that they are simply a different breed. They are only for sex, procreate and work. I have started to believe that the family model we follow is against human nature. They should be living together in one place and only bank a certain amount of money each month. Women we should be living together, helping each other to raise the kids and we should use them only for sex and procreate. This is what out ancestors did, why are we trying to force civilisation? It just cannot happen.