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Original poster

Funeral Cost

29 replies

Time2TalkHonest · 02/07/2024 22:00

Good evening all,

A very simple question.

My ex husband passed away yesterday from suicide. He has not remarried and we divorced two years ago.

Both his parents are dead. Siblings not able.

Should I pick up the funeral expenses?

Thank you all. Please be kind I am still in utter shock and grief.

OP posts:
junebirthdaygirl · 02/07/2024 22:02

I am in lreland. Here if there is no one to pay there are local grants that cover most of it. Undertakers are usually well up on whats available. Do you get to decide how simple to keep it so costs are kept to a minimum?
Dirty you have to go through this.

Putting · 02/07/2024 22:03

You are under no obligation to pick up the cost. It should be paid from his estate.

Do you have children together? If you do, and you can afford to, I might consider being more helpful in terms of organising / paying, for their sake rather than his.

Ratfinkstinkypink · 02/07/2024 22:03

Firstly I am so sorry, that must be a huge shock. You are under no obligation to pick up the cost of his funeral.

junebirthdaygirl · 02/07/2024 22:03

That should say Sorry you have to go through this...apologies for that error

ThursdayTomorrow · 02/07/2024 22:04

The cost of the funeral usually comes out of the deceased’s estate. The bill is usually sent after the funeral.

Putting · 02/07/2024 22:06

ThursdayTomorrow · 02/07/2024 22:04

The cost of the funeral usually comes out of the deceased’s estate. The bill is usually sent after the funeral.

Although that depends - I had to pay for my father’s funeral upfront (although reimbursed from the estate)

Original poster
Time2TalkHonest · 02/07/2024 22:07

junebirthdaygirl · 02/07/2024 22:02

I am in lreland. Here if there is no one to pay there are local grants that cover most of it. Undertakers are usually well up on whats available. Do you get to decide how simple to keep it so costs are kept to a minimum?
Dirty you have to go through this.

I get to decide within reason.

I kicked him out due to he cheated with my best friend and I filed for divorce.

I never stopped loving him but got over my marriage and started fresh. Two years fast forward we rekindled but again he said some rather disappointing phrases that let me to walk away for good.

Sadly he ended his life and I want to say our final goodbye in a "good" way. Despite what our history is he was someone's child, friend and so on. I loved him despite of what he did and me not being able to see a future with him ever again.

Just wondering what would be fair and to what level I should get involved.

Thank you again.

OP posts:
UnpackingBooksFromBoxes · 02/07/2024 22:09

What do you mean, siblings not able?

PermanentTemporary · 02/07/2024 22:09

I'm so sorry. My dh took his own life several years ago.

I agree with what @Putting said.

Is someone suggesting you should pay? Is there an immediate rush to sort this out when you are in such shock? I'm sorry to ask, but who is the executor of any will?

Original poster
Time2TalkHonest · 02/07/2024 22:09

Putting · 02/07/2024 22:03

You are under no obligation to pick up the cost. It should be paid from his estate.

Do you have children together? If you do, and you can afford to, I might consider being more helpful in terms of organising / paying, for their sake rather than his.

We have no children. Thanks god.

There isn't much of an estate. After we divorced house and cars were sold.

Obviously I bought a new house and cars in my name and moved on. I'm working in a good job so out of respect to the man I love/d I could pick up the tab.

OP posts:
Original poster
Time2TalkHonest · 02/07/2024 22:10

Ratfinkstinkypink · 02/07/2024 22:03

Firstly I am so sorry, that must be a huge shock. You are under no obligation to pick up the cost of his funeral.

Thank you. I know but would like to say our final goodbye in decent way.

OP posts:
Original poster
Time2TalkHonest · 02/07/2024 22:11

UnpackingBooksFromBoxes · 02/07/2024 22:09

What do you mean, siblings not able?

His siblings are disabled and live in a care home.

OP posts:
Original poster
Time2TalkHonest · 02/07/2024 22:14

PermanentTemporary · 02/07/2024 22:09

I'm so sorry. My dh took his own life several years ago.

I agree with what @Putting said.

Is someone suggesting you should pay? Is there an immediate rush to sort this out when you are in such shock? I'm sorry to ask, but who is the executor of any will?

No rush at all. Just me trying to be organised with friends and family. Keeping myself busy to avoid braking.

I won't have more details until the end of the week. Really. Just wanted to say goodbye with respect.

OP posts:
R41nb0wR0se · 02/07/2024 22:15

I think this would be a lovely thing to do if you are able. Try to involve his siblings in making decisions if they are able to input, and maybe some of his close friends too.

Heavenssakes · 02/07/2024 22:15

It sounds like you feel inclined to give him this last goodbye.

You have absolutely no obligation here.
But if it would help your feelings, to be involved, then that seems like a good idea.
But don't do it from some feeling that you 'ought to'.

Sorry for what you're going through.

PashaMinaMio · 02/07/2024 22:16

I’m so sorry for your loss.,You loved each other once so you must be very shocked and upset.,

You are under no obligation at all to shoulder the burden of his funeral. Don’t let anyone drag you into thinking this is the case.

Deep breaths, don’t make any knee jerk decisions. Stay out if it until you are prepared to step forward if, in the long run, you want to.

Funerals are very very expensive, some funeral directors will suggest all sorts of extras but it doesn’t have to be like that. A direct cremation is one option but whatever the decision(s) the cost should come out of his estate.

Original poster
Time2TalkHonest · 02/07/2024 22:17

Heavenssakes · 02/07/2024 22:15

It sounds like you feel inclined to give him this last goodbye.

You have absolutely no obligation here.
But if it would help your feelings, to be involved, then that seems like a good idea.
But don't do it from some feeling that you 'ought to'.

Sorry for what you're going through.

Yes I loved this man with all my heart. But his affair with by BF was an unforgivable act hence we divorced.

For me, selfish reasons I need to say our final goodbye

We reconnected a few months ago but the damage was done from back then and I broke for good. But regardless we once shared an incredible love and I need to say goodbye

OP posts:
MerelyPlaying · 02/07/2024 22:19

I’m sorry for your loss, it must have come as a shock to you.

There’s no obligation on you. If you want to keep it simple, you could opt for a direct cremation and then hold a memorial or a ceremony to inter the ashes at a later date. This would be cheaper and give you much more control over costs.

Original poster
Time2TalkHonest · 02/07/2024 22:20

R41nb0wR0se · 02/07/2024 22:15

I think this would be a lovely thing to do if you are able. Try to involve his siblings in making decisions if they are able to input, and maybe some of his close friends too.

Yes I loved this man with all my heart. But his affair with by BF was an unforgivable act hence we divorced.

For me, selfish reasons I need to say our final goodbye

We reconnected a few months ago but the damage was done from back then and I broke for good. But regardless we once shared an incredible love and I need to say goodbye.

Thank you for your suggestion I would definitely want friends and family to be apart of it. He didn't want the whole big thing for his funeral he once said. Luckily I can carry the cost. I just need closure and say goodbye.

OP posts:
gamerchick · 02/07/2024 22:20

Sounds like you want to OP. That's alright. You don't need anyone to tell you it's ok or not.

Itstherichthatgetthepleasureasusual · 02/07/2024 22:28

I'm just so sorry OP. It's horrible for you and you come over as handling this in such a dignified and caring way despite all that happened between you both.

My feeling is if you are in a financial position to do this then it would be a really decent thing to do for another human being whom you loved, despite his betrayal of you.

Original poster
Time2TalkHonest · 02/07/2024 22:39

Itstherichthatgetthepleasureasusual · 02/07/2024 22:28

I'm just so sorry OP. It's horrible for you and you come over as handling this in such a dignified and caring way despite all that happened between you both.

My feeling is if you are in a financial position to do this then it would be a really decent thing to do for another human being whom you loved, despite his betrayal of you.

Edited

Thank you. Very kind of you to respond.

He was the love of my life. When I first saw him he was kind and loving. I saw him in his eyes and knew I was going to marry him. We had a wonderful marriage. Talked for hours. Sex was great. Best friends. Long walks. Shared hobbies and mutual friends. But it ended in the worst betrayal ever. He had an affair with my best GF, I kicked him out and applied for a divorce. Before I signed the papers I asked: Are you sure? We can leave, move away, work on it. Because I love you.

His answer was no and I signed and walked away.

We rekindled two years later and we talked, slept together, and it was all the same as before. We both fell in love again. I explained how badly he hurt me back then and why he didn't grab our chance before I signed. His answer was he couldn't look me in my eyes knowing how bad he hurt me. Did I believe, I don't know but I accepted the answer.

Sadly last week he said to me: Had I don't xyz he may not have cheated on me. That was it for me. It was humiliating and disrespectful so I ended for good. Fast forward here we are now.

I still love him deeply, even if we wouldn't have been able to finish our love story. Now I am saying my final goodbye and it brakes my heart.

No more to be told. Except goodbye my love, sleep tight and may your pain be gone.

Selfish me I need that goodbye. I need to say to him it's okay I forgive you for what you did to me.

Compassion goes a long way even when you're hurt.

OP posts:
GoogleWhacking · 02/07/2024 23:04

If it helped, I paid for my ex boyfriends funeral after he overdosed. I still loved him and it didn't work between us but I will never regret giving him a good send off. It helped me grieve in so many ways.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

Original poster
Time2TalkHonest · 02/07/2024 23:05

GoogleWhacking · 02/07/2024 23:04

If it helped, I paid for my ex boyfriends funeral after he overdosed. I still loved him and it didn't work between us but I will never regret giving him a good send off. It helped me grieve in so many ways.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

Thank you for your kind words and advice.

Really sorry for your loss. Hope you're living ok with the loss.

That's my thinking. I need to say goodbye properly.

OP posts:
TheShellBeach · 02/07/2024 23:07

I'm so sorry, OP.