To cut ties with a friend

[SensitiveOverthinker]

This is going to be a long one I'm afraid....
My friend and I have been good friends since we were 3, we are now in our mid/late 30s. We were each others bridesmaids, she is godmother to my son. Before children we would hang out most weekends, and our hubbies were good friends also.
When my son was born, she was absolutely brilliant with him. She herself had some fertility issues and I tried to support her as best I could. I fell pregnant again, and shortly after that, she did too. Everything really changed after she had her son. She understandably was very anxious (i wont go into her background as thats not my story to tell) I think perhaps as I was on baby 2 I was a lot more relaxed about things. She would make comments to me about the way I did things. Constant little things, that I would brush off at the time, but would bug me afterwards. An example was I said "my daughter has been really cuddly this week, its been lovely" and she replied, "its probably because she misses you so much whilst she is at nursery" her child is in care with her mother 4 times a week whilst she works.
I think the problem can be is that she is very opionionated and judgmental. It makes me feel so low. I feel like I am walking on eggshells around her. I look at other friendships I have and no one else makes me feel like this.
I plucked up the courage to talk to her at Christmas about how another incident had made me feel, and how I felt upset that we rarely get together anymore without me instigating it. She completely gaslit me, even rolled her eyes at me and told me I was too sensitive.
I don't really think I can convey how I am feeling without sounding petty. There is so much history to this and its already a long post.
I know that if I met this friend now, I wouldn't try and foster a relationship with her. As we have grown up we have different interests.
I guess my question is, has anyone here had a really long term friend that they decided it was just best to cut ties with them? And if so, how did you do it? And do you have any regrets?

Anyone who uses the phrase ' You are too sensitive ' needs to be put at a huge distance!! You expressed your feelings and she did this.

She sounds like a frenemy more than anything. I wouldn't trust her with my emotions, especially if you are a kind and truthful person.

I wouldn't explain. Just gradually be unavailable and more detached and distanced. If she's a gaslighter she won't give a shit about your reasons. She may also start being extra super nice when she senses you pull away. Be prepared!

No one should ever ever invalidate someone's feelings like that,ever.

I did, in my early thirties. She was jealous and she pissed me off. After one such time, I just never contacted her again.

Ten or so years later we reconnected via Facebook and it took about 2 weeks for me to feel pissed off by her mean attitude and stuff she posted.

No regrets. Just let it fade op.

Yes I have been through something very similar. I was friends with somebody for nearly 10 years and then we both had a baby at the same time (her daughter being just a week older than my son). At first things were great but as our children grew older she would frequently 'compare' our babies and how her daughter was 'ahead' of my son. She also liked to tell me to prepare myself for my son to have difficulties in school because he was premature. I remember I would come home feeling exhausted after being in her company.

I decided to confront her and she gaslit me completely so I ended the friendship. I felt sad about it for a while as we had some good times but I absolutely do not regret it. I'd much rather have friends that celebrate our children not compare them.

Sorry you're going through this - it's a tough one! Hugs xo

Always give a wide berth to anyone who says you are too sensitive when you try and explain that they've upset or offended you in some way. In their eyes, it couldn't possibly be their fault for saying something unpleasant of course, so it must be your fault for taking it the wrong way.

She's clearly become one of 'those' parents, so just let the friendship fade away.

I think this is it - when I leave I feel exhausted and often hurt by the things that she has said. I have always been the one to let everything go, let her have her own way with everything and I think I have finally had enough. As you say, I would rather be with friends that celebrate me and my children and not bring me down. Thank you writing, I appreciate it.

Over the past few years, when I have decided I need a bit of space and I pull back, you are so right - she comes back overly nice. I think I have been her friend for so long there is an element of loyalty there. But I know what I need to do. Thanks for your advice

The secret to any long term friendship is tolerance. Are you saying you want a friend who agrees with you about everything. Her comment about your dd being cuddly could be true and what is wrong with what she said anyway. I recognise you may feel that 'paid for childcare' is inferior to 'family care' and so you feel sensitive about that.

To what extent are two friends so similar and see eye to eye on everything?

I think a big difference in values and selfish behaviour and a lack of tolerance and flexibility are grounds for ditching a friend.

Maybe you are not that compatible?

It is more about the way she says things. You are right, if she had said that to me with a smile on her face in a pleasant manner - it wouldn't have even bothered me in the slightest. Its the way she says it with superiority. She doesn't agree with children being in nursery.
I have SAHM friends, friends that work etc but I dont judge anyone for the way that they do things. I think everyone has the right to their own opinions and should do what works for them. It was her judgement in her tone that upset me.

I think you are right - maybe once upon a time we were compatible. But as time has gone on - we aren't. We have grown apart. And really, that's ok!

Could you try just gently nudging her down the friendship ladder so you can see her a bit less and then you’ll be able to tolerate her better. It seems a shame to lose a long term friendship completely. Just adjust it to how it should be for now. Not so intimate as it once was.

I've ended a number of friendships. In the past I'd tell them why, but it generally didn't go down well, so now I just never contact them again or go for the long, slow fade.

I think this is the right approach to take. I feel that if I tried to tell how I felt, it wouldn't go down well and I dont want to cause upset to her. I also doubt she would listen anyway. Thank you for your advice

I think you can distance yourself without doing anything permanent. It's fine not to want to spend time with her if she makes you feel crap. It's actually fine of course to end the friendship but ime there comes a time when you really value those long connections with people so if I were you I wouldn't. But I'm not you, you are.

Agree with others.
You spoke to her and she dismissed you.
I wouldn't say anything to her but I would hugely back off.
Focus your energy on other relationships.
It is unlikely she will change.
She feels the need to be superior to you.
Best for you to put real distance between you both and protect yourself from her.
Her need to be snippy and unkind means it's best you protect yourself.
You can do this without spelling it out.
Also you could make the decision that the next time you are in her company and she says something unkind, you pack up and tell her you need to go.

It's obviously come to the end of the chapter, which is absolutely fine 😊.

I'd just let it naturally fizzle out, you said you instigate a lot of the meetings - just don't, take longer to reply to messages, miss phone calls etc.

Just a more gentle way of ending it without drama.

Dear Op

This could have been written by me. I have a friend just like this. In fact I've hidden on socials where I've been on holiday as I know she would have something to say - how sad is that !

I have just withdrawn slowly and been less available and I think that's the way forward sad as it is

I’d start to distance yourself. It’s possible she’s jealous at how much easier you find being a mum. Sounds like she’s trying to punish you!

As upsetting as it must have been to have found you only meet up if you instigate it that can now be a blessing because you don’t have to do a thing. At some point she might contact you to find out why you haven’t been instigating and you can decide how you might answer that while you’re waiting but don’t give it too much thought because she might never ring.

Concentrate on the people who bring you some happiness

You don't need to cut her off. Just stop messaging her. If she does message you occasionally, take a few days to.message back and be dry. It will die a natural death. Some mums change personality when they have a baby, they make.being the best mum their whole ego. I don't know why. Just back off it and spend more time with other friends.

When a friend stops bringing positivity to your life, get rid

Do you have mutual friends? What do they think of her?

I had a very similar situation. In retrospect, I should’ve ditched them a long time before as a number of other friends made polite but pointed comments about how ‘odd’ she was. She was critical of everyone, and really brought me down.

Not the most mature approach, but I just went for the fade.

I did it last August ! Friend of 30 years !
she always described us as best friends , she was my best friend .
But when she found a new friend I was put on the back burner it happened repeatedly throughout the friendship .
But what really got me was how she treated and talked about other friends and I just thought she is probably definitely saying things about me to them ! And it was toxic I ended up feel hurt and sad when we met I didn’t feel uplifted anymore!
so I just ignored her last text and blocked her on everything! Not once has she tried to contact me we live close .
so that told me all I needed to know and since then ive improved on myself in this last year now I’m rid of her toxicity! Best thing I’ve done x

I think try the route of quietly withdrawing at first, if she has any emotional intelligence she will respect your wishes especially as you have tried to talk to her about things so she has an inkling if your feelings. It almost sounds like she has turned into a bit of an emotional vampire who tops up her own energy but putting a downer on yours.

Just because you have been friends with someone most your life doesn’t mean you have to tie yourself to them forever - especially as you have grown so far apart and are no longer compatible. Move on and never look back:)

I had a friend like this. A previous poster commented that she wants to feel superior to you and that hits the nail on the head with this type of friend really. In the end I called her out on it and she claimed she was perfect and never did anything wrong ever. After that I just ignored her texts.

Yep! I’ve been through the same too. It’s a really difficult situation to be in because you have that history of long friendship, but with Me it changed when we had children. She was constantly comparing them telling me that she felt her boy was further forward at his age then my child. Whatever I was talking to her about and telling her she always had to do one bigger and better. If I was going on holiday to Spain, she booked one to Cuba for two weeks instead of one. The constant comparing, the feeling that she is superior. It just gets you down overtime. I cut contact with her a few years ago and realised once I was on the outside looking in, how much she was draining my energy. I don’t regret it 💕

Yes if they drag you down/negativity get rid. I wouldnt be rude just lessen the contact. Ive decided I need positivity in my 50s not toxic friends