A selfish reason to leave

[AngryToast94]

I have been with my partner for nearly 9 years, we have a 7 year old and a 4 year old together.
I have been unhappy for about 4 years now, we haven't slept in the same bed in over 4 years (also no intimacy, not even a kiss) and we live like housemates who constantly bicker and get on each other's nerves.

When he is home I feel like I am walking on eggshells and so do the children. We have tried over the past 4 years a few things to fix it and it improves for a few days then back to bad again.

I know I need to leave, I am utterly miserable, a shell of myself and I can feel myself withdrawing from everything.

However, he constantly complains that his mental health is at rock bottom and he's 'really struggling at the moment' which is why he is always moody, shouty etc. I don't doubt this, and I sympathize wholly, but he's been 'really struggling at the moment' for 4 years and I've tried Sooo many times to help him myself, encouraged him to get professional help which he refuses and I don't know what else to do.

But I know he'd be absolutely gutted if I left him (and in his words turned him into a weekend dad). I also know that his family, my family and the kids would all be upset by that choice too.

I feel like leaving would be the most selfish thing in the world, and would make so many people unhappy that I just can't bring myself to do it.

However I've lived in such misery for over 4 years and at 30years old just dread the thought of even a single more month like this let alone years. I'm at my breaking point.

Separately also, I grew up quite poor and have managed (with my partner) to provide a lot of things for our kids that I never had such as karate/swim lessons, abroad holidays, a nice 'big' house etc. Leaving would mean I couldn't afford to provide any of that on my own wage, and we'd need to move to a smaller place. This breaks my heart for my children to miss out on these things.

Worth noting I already live as a single mum just with him also living here - I do all the visible and invisible jobs of a family, housework, life admin, school stuff, endless list plus work 4 days a week. He works 5 (long) days a week.

Anyone else been through this? What did you do? Am I being selfish? How did you manage with the guilt?
Should I just get over myself and stick it out so everyone else is happy?

Life is too short. Material things are not important. Kids will remember feeling happy and loved and will learn to appreciate the treats you can afford. I was miserable for years. You'll feel a lot lighter on your own. Might be worth getting some advice so you are well prepared. Definitely make the most of your life and don't put up with this unhappiness.

You can't pour from an empty cup,

Happy mother, happy kids.

It's not selfish to want to be happy and be the best you can be.

Similar position myself. Empathy as it's shit.

Why not take some legal advice?

So he’s already a weekend dad then if he works five long days a week, I feel he’s emotionally manipulating you into staying.

I get that it’s hard to imagine leaving but there is options and you could still give your children a happy life even as a single mum.

life is way too short to be this unhappy especially in your 30s. All the best OP I hope you figure this out and you find your happiness.

What has he done to address his mental health issues?

You are not the selfish one here OP.

Tell him unless he gets professional mental health help such as medication and therapy, the marriage is over. Get legal advice to know your rights and obligations.
What happened 4 years ago? A big argument? The birth of the second child? Were they difficult babies? New job?

I think he is using his mental health (for which he has not and does not want to seek help for) as a stick to beat you with and otherwise manipulate/guilt trip you into staying with him. His moodiness too is an example of emotional abuse towards you, not MH issues.

This relationship is well and truly over or it should be. This is no relationship model for your children to see and from that potentially emulate themselves as adults. You have a choice re this man, they do not.

Put yourself and your children now front and centre in your lives; not this man. He is quite happy to drag you all down with him into his pit.

You're concerned about his feelings but he's not at all concerned about yours. If he's not parenting at the moment why will he suddenly be so sad to be a weekend dad?

Our second child was born 5 years ago next month, and he was quite a difficult toddler. It was a rough time for us all and I'm not going to pretend it wouldn't have shaken any relationship. However our son has come on leaps and bounds and is the most wonderful little boy.
I feel like my partner never moved on past that rough stage, that was definitely the turning point when things started to get rough.
But over the past 4 years I've tried talking, listening, date nights, kid free time, 1:1 time with each child, all sorts to encourage a bit of bonding between me and him and us 4 as a family and he either just reluctantly half heartedly engaged or has actively refused.
I understand mental health is involuntary and completely devastating but there's only so much I can do as one person also trying to hold down a job, family, friendships etc.
I feel like leaving him is giving up on him and everyone will see it that way ☹️

He has made you feel reponsible for his mental health and his obnoxiousness.

You have tried. You have persevered through thick and thin and done everything possible you can. He has continued to be his horrible self.

It is now time to take your dc and leave his toxicity behind. You would not be selfish in doing that, you would be protecting your kids from growing up thinking that relationships like this are normal.

I’ll be honest OP as hard as this is to hear it seems to me that he’s checked out of family life more than anything else, you’ve tried really hard ultimately he is the one who needs to help himself. You’re not responsible for helping him especially if he won’t help himself and lastly you won’t be seen as giving up on him at all. You need to put yourself and your kids first.

You leaving him is not you giving up on him, goodness only knows you’ve tried. He can only help his own self ultimately and you cannot be acting as a rescuer or saviour here. He I maintain is using his non existent Mh issues as a stick to beat you with, many abusive men use Mh as an excuse or justification for their behaviour.

Nc for this. I left 2 months ago for what i also felt were 'selfish' reasons. DH, like yours, was moody/sulky and didn't make the effort i did to participate in family life, work got his all. No intimacy between us, frequent arguments, he was on a hair trigger with dc which is ultimately what made me leave. It was stressful and depressing. I was unable to perform at work by the end and felt like a shell of myself. I wanted to prioritise dc and myself, and get some peace back. I was also afraid of losing the financial security marriage provides.

However, 2 months in i can tell you, if it is as you say, you won't look back. DH wants me back but I have continued to say no even in the face of new single parent stresses. The fact is that you cannot beat peace of mind. I am in a small house with dc but i have (cheaply) made it lovely and cozy, and everyone comments on it when they come round. I have shown my (female) dc that you can leave a bad situation and that women are incredibly strong. (I even built all the furniture, after DH never let me do stuff like that because he said i wasn't capable.) We have a little camping trip booked for a couple weeks time and dc are more excited than when we went on a Caribbean cruise tbh! Kids need stable, happy parents and you sound like an awesome mum and like the heart of your family with or without DH.

Meanwhile DH is convinced that i have ruined all our lives, mainly his, and keeps sending me texts about how sad he is - but it's only because he is realising what he has lost. I still have pangs of thinking I must be so selfish or I will regret this, but by now I would never go back to our bigger home in the posh area of the city or eating out a couple times a week or whatever else my old life was about. It wasn't about anything real. Our marriage was dead.

I'm not going to say it is easy, but I am happier and calmer and more 'me' than I have been in years, everyone comments on it. I have been listening to music again, reading again, doing creative stuff again, I have more energy for dc, and I am also much better at work as i have the extra motivation. i just want you to know that you will be fine.

I'd have been happy living in a caravan if my Mum had been brave enough to leave my angry, irrational step-dad when we were kids, but she wouldn't because of fears about financial security and of being alone. I appreciate it's a different world now and everyone appears to have such a lot so it's more obvious for kids if you don't have those things. But even still, I'd have happily never gone on a day out, had any holidays, or anything just to have been able to live in peace.

@Bringbackspring a step dad is not the same as biological dad and your mum divorcing and it's easy to say this now you're an adult, teenagers can develop inferiority complex and other issues around not being good enough, never affording to do things their friends can, missing on opportunities because of no money. Children of single mothers can be stigmatised. Children who had mothers always working to make ends meet or on benefits can also face many barriers and judgments as well which they might internalise. Staying for financial security is not to be sniffed at.

@AngryToast94 It boils down to whether he is actively trying to get professional help or not.