Do I leave him?

[Tennesseeorange]

Hi everyone.
I'm really struggling at the moment and would appreciate some advice.

My husband and I haven't been great in a while. I've been miserable.
I won't go into details..no cheating or anything. Just
constant arguments for a year now. I feel unappreciated, he says the same. There has been some name calling on his side but I've also said some unkind things in return.
I feel he doesn't contribute at home and he says I don't appreciate how hard he works among many other things but we just seem to clash on everything.

We get on in between these fights and have a good sex life but I'm not happy and I worry the environment is toxic and the kids will pick up on it. They're only very little. Under 5.

I feel we're hanging on by a thread. I feel so tempted to leave. I feel suffocated by the toxic environment living with him. I can't imagine forever like this.

On the other hand I do still love him. I never wanted to break our family up.

His job means he wouldn't see the kids that often and honestly he's never really had them by himself anyway so I don't know how often he would want to. But that worries me.

I don't know if it's worse foe the kids to live with two parents like this, who aren't getting on, or I'd it's best for them if we separate and are, hopefully happier.

I'm scared and worried about making the wrong choice. I'm not happy but scared to lose him aswell.

But everytime I think we make some progress it all goes to shit again and we have another awful fight and I'm so tired of it
I just want to have a happy life. It's so stressful and dramatic all the time. There's no fun.

I'd really appreciate any advice.

If you are only considering staying for the kids, do you think that you would split once they are grown?

I knew this would happen deep down so I decided it was better to get it over and done with while they were too little to remember.

I will say this though, even though I know it was the right decision, I still feel guilt and sadness for breaking up their nuclear family, 6 years later. Be prepared for the guilt and always questioning yourself.

Thank you for your reply.

Partly for the kids. Also, I do still love him. We just can't get on and the fights are so bad. I don't know how to make it better because we seem to disagree so strongly on things.

I can't imagine living forever with it like this and yes I'd rather leave now whilst the kids won't remember us being together than in ten years when it will be much worse for them.

It's so hard though when the love us there still to leave. Its like we love each other but don't like each other.

Why are you scared to lose him?. Is he all that you have known?. It's not likely because of the children because his job entails he would not see them that often and that he's never really had them on his own (a problem really in its own right).

I am also wondering if you are confusing love here with codependency or being trauma bonded to him as those are powerful.

It takes two to make a marriage work and you cannot make this work on your own. Sound travels too and its highly likely your children see and hear far more than either of you care to realise. They've heard raised voices and angry words for at least the last year or so and they do pick up on all the vibes, both spoken and unspoken.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here?. This is patently no relationship model to be showing them; this is teaching them damaging lessons about relationships and ones they could go onto repeat themselves in adulthood. We after all learn about relationships first and foremost from our parents. If we want our offspring to have joyful and successful relationships, we need to provide them with the best example we possibly can. Living in mediocrity or worse burdens children with very confusing messages about relationships and happiness. It certainly instructs them that loving marriages and partnerships are not their birthright.

Be brave here and make the break sooner rather than years later when they do remember and have seen a lot more.

my Husband and I split when the kids were little for similar reasons. I've never regretted it, nor felt guilt. Kids were quite happy and seem settled and confident as teens. Life was far easier without the arguments and resentment.

Why is the options either stay like this or separate? Why can't you work on your marriage? You both need to compromise and be realistic in your expectations. Don't believe these comments on here describing a perfect husband. You are in charge of your mood and actions, focus on bettering yourself inside and out.

Have you attempted counselling? Letting this drag on is in nobody’s best interests.

The name calling is not on and shows a fundamental lack of respect.

Sounds like you both need to have counselling and see if you both want it to work.

part of me wished my ex wife had tried that rather than just leave after 20 years. It possibly couldn’t be saved but we don’t know. It is tough with kids and real life stuff so I would give it a go.

Do you think there is a an element that the arguments stem from the stresses of life and you ultimately take things out on each other? Did you used to get on before you had children?

I think family life can be stressful sometimes and it makes us tired and feel like we are giving everything and it goes unnoticed and underappreciated, it can make us turn on our OH's when we it should be you and him against the problem as a team rather than the problem coming in between you both