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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Things are hitting the fan

6 replies

Kiyentai · 01/07/2024 23:31

I need somewhere to vent and get some feedback.

We are military family and we just moved to a new base. Honestly,so far I hate it. It's hot, humid, the people are rude, the food is expensive, bugs are everywhere and there is not much to do without costing an arm and a leg. I also struggle with adjusting to new areas and such, it just takes me time to adjust. This is also our first move with our son. I have made another post that my son has delays, is 3 and in early intervention for these delays..has shown great improvement. Now I'm waiting to hear back from the Pediatrician to get a referral so we can get the ball rolling down here with his early interventions. I've already found a place ect.

Now for the past couple years my husband has been having issues. My son got burnt from hot tea on his watch and ever since my husband's anxiety has been terrible and has melted into other parts of his life. For example this morning he was in tears because he couldn't handle Me having trouble adjusting to this new place and he just wants me to be happy all the time, even though this is our 4th move together and he should know this by now. He was under the impression moving here would make things better even though I told him that's not how things work. He will cry whenever he sees my sons scars. He is overly obsessive about fixing things even if things dont need to be fixed. Then a few months ago we were talking and I told him sex isn't really a priority right now for Me because we are so busy and he took it as he wasn't a priority and that he just wanted to feel loved. I was upset and hurt because..EVERYTHING I do..is for him and our son. Everything. It really made Me feel like I wasn't enough..and I still feel that way (which is an issue I've been trying to work on).

I"ve been a mental health therapist for many years and I do believe he has PTSD symptoms that need to be addressed.

He also was seeing a therapist this morning after MONTHS of requesting he go see one. Well when he got home it's like shit hit the fan.

At this base we have a program to help people with children that have delays and disabilities. I have conversed with these people months ago, and they wanted my son to start their school program which are full days (7 hours a day) with therapy provided by them plus curriculum..plus his therapy outside of school..he's 3! So I was no..I don't think that would work. BUT they did provide some resources, I did look into them and I am doing those things as mentioned above to get things going.

Anyway, but my husband started laying into me saying these people had resources and can help us, and we don't have to "do this alone" and Im basically not giving these people a chance and his therapist told him that we need to use these resources to help HIM feel better. I'm thinking we aren't doing this alone, we have stuff to do to get our son into the early interventions he needs. Wtf? This is also driven by a conversation we had last night about me telling him Im waiting for the ball to drop because once he goes back to work, it's going to fall on me to take care of everything..which is fine. That's just how life is because I am supporting his career so we can live this life. Plus..This is my kid, I'm an involved parent and I don't like relying on a stranger to help my son if I can get it done. Because I am his PARENT. Anyway he's trying to fix it so I don't have to "do it all" when he doesn't get I don't mind doing it all because I'm my sons mother. Isn't that what I'm supposed to do? Ugghh I'm so frustrated.

OP posts:
Domino20 · 02/07/2024 02:30

I think most people would jump at the opportunity of 7hrs per day specialist childcare. Especially when you are saying how busy you are and that it means some aspects of your relationship have to come low down on your list of priorities. Your choice seems incongruous to your stated situation and frame of mind. Obviously I only have the information you've written to go on but it seems an odd choice.

Aquamarine1029 · 02/07/2024 02:45

You say one thing then you say another. You tell your husband that everything will fall on you once again, yet you have an amazing opportunity to put your son in specialised care yet you refuse.

Plus..This is my kid, I'm an involved parent and I don't like relying on a stranger to help my son if I can get it done.

Just because you're the parent doesn't mean you're the right person for the job. You wouldn't be relying on a stranger, you would be utilising their expertise and experience for your son's benefit, and yours, honestly.

DracoDormiensNumquamTittilandum · 02/07/2024 03:12

7 hours isn't a long day. I would take the opportunity for the school place. Other than that it's hard to actually pick out what the issues are. If you don't like being a trailing spouse (understandable) I'm not sure why you'd pick a military life.

GreyCarpet · 02/07/2024 07:25

Just because you're the parent doesn't mean you're the right person for the job. You wouldn't be relying on a stranger, you would be utilising their expertise and experience for your son's benefit, and yours, honestly.

This.

If your child is ill, you take them to the doctor. You don't resist the doctor claiming he's your child and you're not relying on strangers to help him do you?

You encouraged your husband to seek therapy. You didn't insist on doing it yourself because you're his loving wife and you don't want to rely on strangers to do it do you?

This is no different. If your child has delays and needs, you are far better off engaging with professionals who will be able to support him and, in turn, you to best meet his needs than insist you do it all yourself because you're his mother.

TheTartfulLodger · 02/07/2024 07:59

Sorry but I have to agree here. I think you may be too close to see the wood for the trees. What you are doing is potentially not what is in the best interests of your son and I agree with your husband. Most people would give their right arm for that level of support, yet you seem to be resisting it.

Kiyentai · 02/07/2024 14:04

Whoa, I have support. My son has been in multiple therapies and early intervention for almost 2 years now (6+x's a week). He's doing great. He barely talks, but he understands what you are saying and has difficulty forming the words (he had a texture aversion as a baby and is now getting around to learning how to chew, which I feel has effected his speech). Also he's not potty trained..which they want him to be to go. He's scared of the toilet, we are working on it.

Secondly, I have PTSD (from a different situation in my 20's) and been in and out of therapy for YEARS. So that is a big reason why I have encouraged him to seek help because I know it can help him, because it has helped me.

It's not like I have thrown it on the wayside, I just don't think my son is ready yet. Considering he's already getting help from multiple professionals..I don't want to pile on more, plus in the state we moved to he is not allowed to go to PreK until he's 4 anyway.

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