TLDR: I can't trust my husband who is maybe possibly having an emotional/physical affair with a woman 15 years his junior. Or he wants to. Or she wants to. Or maybe they're just good ol' platonic gym buddies
Last night my dh of 20 years had a phone call at around 9.30. We'd been sitting together watching the football. He picked up, and headed straight out of the patio doors into the garden. He had to unlock them, it's not like the door was open. Odd. I lingered by the door and heard him talking in a low voice, saying Just Take a Deep Breath. Like he was talking someone down who was having a panic attack. He was obviously aiming to be out of my sight/hearing. I'm not one to shy away so I asked him straight off when her came in, who is your secret conversation with? He names a woman he knows, previously from work, more recently from the gym. She was alone in the park, having a meltdown apparently.
I know he knows this woman, she called him a few times during lock down when they still worked together crying or asking for advice around a work situation. She is 15 y younger, and like the grown up I am I advised he gently point her to other sources of support and that it was inappropriate to be relying on an (older, male, married) colleague for emotional support.
Around 18 M ago he mentioned she and her partner went to the same gym and once or twice he'd trained with them both. He was invited to their wedding last autumn which was tiny (like 6 people, in their house) which I thought was deeply weird at the time. They (she?) bought him his favourite chocolates for Christmas (at no point has he told me they are hanging out and they are bumping into each other at the gym occasionally. He then reciprocated (he said he felt bad, that they had bought him a gift, when later questioned) with an expensive bottle of whiskey. He didn't tell me this, I found the receipt in my car.
This year for his birthday, more chocolates and a card from the couple. And a card from this woman's mother, who he says he met once at the wedding. How weird, he said.
He is on his phone all the time, but has been for years tbh. I've never snooped into it, never thought I needed to. I didn't get into any further and just went to bed although I was mad last night, and lay awake seething and planning how we will split the assets when he leaves.
Now she's calling him at home and he says it's nothing. He says the husband called him earlier and thanked him for calming her down last night.
I told him I can't believe him. He has lied about having any relationship at all. It's platonic, apparently. No intent from either of them. He 'had been' (I. E. In the past) training with her. I asked when it stopped. It hasn't. He was meant to meet her today but chose not to go. They've been working out together at least twice a week. He tells me when he meets his male gym friend and what they've been training on. He never mentions this woman.
I was very rational, I told him once he has been proven to be a liar, how will I ever know if he's lying or not. Liars lie. That's what they do. I asked what is he going to do about it. He said he'll tell her not to call him at home in the evening. Oh lovely, I said. That'll make a difference. I asked if he'd block her and never contact her again, for the sake of our marriage and our family. There was a micro hesitation but he said he would.
I asked how he supposed I can trust him again, because even if it is entirely innocent, it doesn't look that way to me (or objectively to anyone). He said he will tell me where he's going, who he's seeing. I asked if I could see his phone. He handed it over. I asked if I could see his messages. He had two from yesterday. How do you contact each other to arrange the gym? Mostly WhatsApp. Show me. There were around 10 messages from May onwards. She's sent some pictures out walking, a few banter messages back and forth. Friendly, not sexy. Nothing arranging gym. So I ask him again, how does he keep in touch with this woman he sees once or twice a week at varying times on different days if not by message. He calls her, he says. Tell me anyone under 60years old who telephones as a preferred contact method? Especially when I don't hear him on the phone. I asked him to show me his phone records. One received call, one missed call in the entire log. Him calling her back. No more phone records. I asked him if he thought I came down in the last shower. A few innocent WhatsApp messages (mostly received when we were in holiday and he was using a different sim so couldnt receive texts) no texts, no calls. From an innocent friendship. He admits he's deleted his history, and doesn't know why.
He didn't tell me because he thought I wouldn't approve. He doesn't know why he lied. He is very sorry. I think he's only sorry he got caught.
So there it is, no evidence that he's cheating. No evidence of anything really. Apart from he's been lying to me, by intent, or by omission for up to 5 years.