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Original poster

Stay for the kids or leave and struggle financially?

6 replies

Lorcee123 · 01/07/2024 19:52

Hi everyone,
Just wanted some opinions if possible.

Im in an unhappy relationship - we’ve been together 9 years (not married) and have 3 young children (7, 4 & 1).

we’ve had a very difficult year - long story short- found out my partner was in a lot of debt and he’s lied about the severity for quite a while. How he’s dealt with this whole situation and how he’s made me feel has been horrible. I’ve tried to help out with plans for a way out of the debt etc but he doesn’t seem to be able to stick to anything or care really.
If we didn’t have children, I wouldn’t have put up with it all for this long.
I’m confused as to what to do next.
I gave up my career 2 years ago (teacher for young adults- don’t get holidays etc off and quite low pay - £29k full time)
I’m due to return to work part time in October this year.

Option 1 is to stay and keep trying to work on things for the sake of our family- he’s a good dad and the kids adore him. I know they would be very upset without him living here and they are quite in tune with their emotions. I’m not sure how much fight I have left if any. I can’t really see us ever being out of debt completely but he earns quite well so it’s manageable - just! Can you really pretend to be happy and just ignore being treated badly?

Option 2 is just to cut things off now and make the best of the situation with the kids. I wish I could just do this but we own a house together and I have a feeling some of his debtors would come after the house eventually as I can see him not paying things that he owes if we separated. I’m not in a position to take over the mortgage alone. I’ve spoken to a solicitor and he has to stay on the mortgage unless I can cover it myself.
I don’t think I could rely on him to pay towards the house/kids as although he would agree to, he’s just terrible with money.
I would be in a position where I would not be able to cover even half of next months outgoings so how do I go about this situation?

Even once I return to work I barely break even with wages and a small universal credit top up.
I’ve spoken to step change as a small amount of debt is also in my name but there isn’t much they can do as the house is classed as an ‘asset’- they just suggest selling but again I can’t afford rental prices (double my mortgage!) and universal credit won’t top up if I have a house equity in an account to save up).

I put all the deposit into the house initially but he’s paid the mortgage for the majority of the time.

Sorry for the long post but I’m just at a loss of what to do.

Any advice appreciated x

OP posts:
NCJD · 01/07/2024 20:15

Poor you OP. Both options are absolutely terrible to put no finer point on it.

Firstly, I think it doesn’t matter how good a father he supposedly is (although a father who won’t pay for his own kids is not a good father). If he won’t make a plan to pay off his debt and he won’t engage with financial help you need to walk because he doesn’t care about you. This a serious risk to you and your DC as well. I think it’s a little naive to say the debtors may come for the house if you separate. They may come for the house full stop if he isn’t willing to sort this out.

Proper legal advice is what you need but, on the face of it, it may be better to split, sell the house, split the assets and leave with the DC. But you really need proper advice depending on how big his debt is and how much of the house sale it has the potential to swallow up. You could afford rental with the money from your house sale, even if it’s for a short while. Your QoL will be lower but his debt will cease to be your problem. Claim CMS and ensure it’s noted when he doesn’t pay.

Is there any family you could move in with or anything like that?

JLou08 · 01/07/2024 20:41

If I was in your situation I would stay for now. I would suggest to him that you take over management of finances and he has a separate account which includes his disposable income that can be spent as he likes, the rest he has no access to. This does need to be a mutual agreement to avoid accusations of financial abuse. There is also a place where he can register as vulnerable to creditors so they will not lend to him. If he is on board with all that you may have a chance of getting in a better financial situation. Put some away for savings which will come in handy if the day comes that you do need to leave.
Get back to work and build up your career prospects, in a few years all your DC will be at school and you may be in a position to go full time and maybe even have a promotion. Hopefully by this point there would be more equity in the home, more savings and you will have a higher income to put you in a better position to leave if you need to.
I'm sure lots of people would just say to leave now, but is the stress of living in poverty, accumulating more of your own debts as you can't afford to pay your bills and going through the break up of a family going to be any easier than your current situation?

Original poster
Lorcee123 · 01/07/2024 20:42

NCJD · 01/07/2024 20:15

Poor you OP. Both options are absolutely terrible to put no finer point on it.

Firstly, I think it doesn’t matter how good a father he supposedly is (although a father who won’t pay for his own kids is not a good father). If he won’t make a plan to pay off his debt and he won’t engage with financial help you need to walk because he doesn’t care about you. This a serious risk to you and your DC as well. I think it’s a little naive to say the debtors may come for the house if you separate. They may come for the house full stop if he isn’t willing to sort this out.

Proper legal advice is what you need but, on the face of it, it may be better to split, sell the house, split the assets and leave with the DC. But you really need proper advice depending on how big his debt is and how much of the house sale it has the potential to swallow up. You could afford rental with the money from your house sale, even if it’s for a short while. Your QoL will be lower but his debt will cease to be your problem. Claim CMS and ensure it’s noted when he doesn’t pay.

Is there any family you could move in with or anything like that?

Thank you NCJD,

Yes I agree- I have told him he’s not being the best he can be for the children whilst allowing the situation to continue and to not actively sort it out.
Im currently looking into an option of a ‘deed of trust’ with a solicitor- a signed document to show that all equity in the house is mine due to putting all of the deposit in (in hindsight should have done this when moving!)
He's happy to sign it as he doesn’t want the children’s security/home to be taken.

However even if I have the full equity and sell- I don’t earn enough to get a mortgage on a smaller property with 3 children and don’t have anywhere near the earning potential to get to that stage whilst juggling work/childcare/school holidays with 3 such small children :(

seems crazy to use all my equity in rent- what happens when it runs out? Do I just admit I’ll never own a home and struggle forever? It’s so hard - I worked so hard for this deposit in the first place.

Cant believe how hard it is for mums to juggle it all.

I have close parents but moving in with 3 children is an awful lot to ask x

OP posts:
Farmwifefarmlife · 01/07/2024 21:11

How much debt roughly are you in? Is he just not willing to make a plan to sort it? Neither sounds like the easy route.

Original poster
Lorcee123 · 02/07/2024 18:14

JLou08 · 01/07/2024 20:41

If I was in your situation I would stay for now. I would suggest to him that you take over management of finances and he has a separate account which includes his disposable income that can be spent as he likes, the rest he has no access to. This does need to be a mutual agreement to avoid accusations of financial abuse. There is also a place where he can register as vulnerable to creditors so they will not lend to him. If he is on board with all that you may have a chance of getting in a better financial situation. Put some away for savings which will come in handy if the day comes that you do need to leave.
Get back to work and build up your career prospects, in a few years all your DC will be at school and you may be in a position to go full time and maybe even have a promotion. Hopefully by this point there would be more equity in the home, more savings and you will have a higher income to put you in a better position to leave if you need to.
I'm sure lots of people would just say to leave now, but is the stress of living in poverty, accumulating more of your own debts as you can't afford to pay your bills and going through the break up of a family going to be any easier than your current situation?

Thank you, you’ve given me some things to think about.
i think staying even just temporarily is probably what I’m going to have to do- with full control over the finances so they don’t get worse- and just try to build up some sort of savings or something behind me so I’m not completely stuck if (when!) the time comes.
I’m finding it very difficult to just get on as normal around the house- I’ve been hurt so I feel like I’m letting go of my own self respect by putting up with it for longer if that makes sense? Feel like I might find myself reeled back in by empty promises.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lorcee123 · 02/07/2024 18:23

Farmwifefarmlife · 01/07/2024 21:11

How much debt roughly are you in? Is he just not willing to make a plan to sort it? Neither sounds like the easy route.

Over the last year all added together amounts to around 30k! Some off this is now on payments plans and we have had numerous plans of how to get out of it - but he just isn’t working as hard he needs to to clear it. He works in construction and can earn decent money if he puts in the hours- most people wouldn’t have this opportunity to sort it as quick as he could but he just doesn’t seem to want to put that much effort in.
I’m concerned with this attitude he may find himself in debt again at some point.
Worth pointing out that he has been diagnosed with ADHD and BPD (more recently) so this hasn’t helped and he does have his struggles.

OP posts:
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