How did you make peace with getting divorced?

[TabbyT]

I separated from soon to be ex-H after 25 years more than 2 years ago and, having applied for divorce at the beginning of the year, we can now apply for the conditional order and we have almost sorted the finances, but I am suffering from real anguish about the whole thing. I know that staying together would have been miserable (I posted about his behaviour years ago and it was Mumsnet that made me see that he was abusive and that not everything was my fault, for which I will always be grateful) but I can't help still feeling this terrible sense of failure, and that life is always going to be just that little bit more difficult now, and that occasions that should be lovely (like kids graduations - I have one coming up) will be tinged with sadness of what might have been, and dread at being with him.

It doesn't help that barely any of my friends are divorced (in fact lots seem to be celebrating 25 or 30 year anniversaries and obviously while I am happy for them it makes me so sad for myself and for what might have been, had I not made such a poor choice all those years ago). I also seem to get loads of those "how we got our long marriage back on track" posts on social media that make me wonder if I should have tried harder, though I know there is no going back. I feel like I am wading through treacle right now so any tips on letting go with grace and peace would be very welcome.

It just takes time, in my experience. At two years, I was still feeling the anguish you describe, with a fair bit of trauma bonding thrown in.

I'm a further year down the line now, divorced and just finalising the house sale. I rarely feel upset, I'm more excited about my freedom.

It's like grief- you just have to work through it, be kind to yourself and give it time.

I didn't have to - by the time we finally split I was delighted to see the back of him. Shortish marriage and no DC though.

Thanks both.

I guess time will, ultimately help, I think the actual reality of completing the application and the finality of that, and of being really properly alone, is just super scary and super sad.

It is really scary getting divorced. I'm nearly divorced after 20+ years. It was horrendous being married to my ex as he is abusive.

But I am so scared now of what the future holds. He was super controlling so I don't have much of a career and money is a huge worry. Poverty actually is a huge worry.

I have yet to find my sense of power and at 53, I just feel washed up, ok and tired. And a total loser.

Maybe one day the anxiety will reduce and the days will seem better.

I'm 1 year on from separating from my partner of 26 years. It's very daunting at times. Especially with 4 children and the fact that I stupidly didn't marry him. So I have no career and very little money. He is a high earner so life is very different for me and the kids. But I see a light of excitement appearing in between the stress and sadness. Hopefully the light will grow and the negative thoughts will diminish.

I think the divorce does bring up feelings again. They might not always be the kind of feelings where you miss the person but more about what might have been had different choices been made.

I’m 2 and a half years into my divorce, finally close to the finish line! Whilst I have never felt like I’ve wanted to take my husband back, I have had moments where I’ve missed the ease of being a two parent household, some of the companionship we had etc. I was also up until very recently the only single person in all of my group of friends. Many like yours are celebrating anniversaries and doing lovely things together. These things make me feel a bit sad that I’m not going to be doing that anytime soon.
for me it’s the “when will it be my turn” feelings which get me feeling a bit blue. But, after some counselling and doing quite a bit of soul searching I’ve started building a relationship with me. Im reconnecting with things I enjoy and finding new things. This has helped me feel much better about my circumstances and is improving the relationships I have with friends and family.
I’d recommend taking some time to really work on being the happiest and most fulfilled version of yourself.
Hope it gets easier for you soon.

This is so relatable.

lt’s 2 years since the bomb drop when STBXH upended all our lives after being together for 23 years. I’ll be able to apply for the conditional order later this month.

Ending things was really the only option after being mistreated for decades, and his four year affair didn’t exactly give me much to work with, but I still have a lot of big emotions over it that have taken me by surprise.

Thanks for the kind responses

@Nosierosi I agree - I think it's the reality that the divorce is nearly finalised that has brought it all back. I know that if I hadn't married him I wouldn't have my three lovely children and that there is no point regretting the past but I am very emotional right now (having felt really happy when we did separate initially).

Like you @BlastedPimples I am 53 and it's scary contemplating finances/pension. My ex was very controlling with money so I'm trying to learn to do everything myself and money is scary (though I know I am in a better position than most as I do have a career, though working while dealing with divorce can feel overwhelming).

@Kitcat122 I am pleased to hear you are seeing bits of light. Four kids is a lot to deal with. I hope you are ok.

@Didsomeonesaydogs Oh that must have been so tough. I was lucky in the sense that I knew it had to end and chose my timing carefully. It must be so much harder when it's thrust upon you unexpectedly. But you are right, decades of mistreatment is not ok but the big emotions keep overwhelming me at the moment. I burst into tears in Tesco at the weekend.

Use it as a new beginning, you've been separated 2 years How's that been? Are you happier than you were In the marriage?

Seeing each other doesn't need to be bad or hard. You can be polite even friendly at formal stuff if that's what you want.

When you receive your final papers make a plan for the next goals of your life. A new hobby, a holiday both or maybe even dating if that's what you want.

I've decided if I divorce I'm never marrying again. I'll have a relationship but I'll never marry again.

@Kitcat122 what are you doing for money? Have you gone back to work?

I can so relate to this post OP. I split during lockdown so it's nearly 4 years since he left and 3 years divorced. It can be daunting and money is a worry. I work full time but there is never anything spare. I'm 55, have two teenagers and do feel sad that all my friends do things in couples and as families. BUT. I finally feel light and free of the oppression of an awful relationship. If you're able to, hold that feeling close. It's a wonderful thing and you will get there. Sending a huge hug 🤗

In some ways life is a lot better (for a start it’s lovely living in a house where no one loathes me!) but it’s also harder in a lot of ways, especially as the split has happened as the children are also leaving home. It’s the fact that there is no safety net now I think that I find hardest.

I'm 11 years on from divorce. Many of my friends are also still in good marriages and also celebrating significant anniversaries and it makes me sad that I never got that far and my marriage failed (exH had an affair). Being divorced was something I never envisaged and wasn't the way that I wanted my life to go. I still find it hard and I'm still angry about what happened although I've moved on, trying to make the most of every day and am doing more for myself.

Grieving for the "what might have been". There was a realisation that even if he hadn't been abusive and we had stayed together, the "what might have been" didn't actually exist. It never had existed and never would. It was a fantasy. Letting go, acceptance and living in my reality has made my life so much happier.

@BlastedPimples I was working but I am in a minimum wage job because I supported his high end career. So the children and I just manage financially, but it's a far cry from how we used to live. However, we are now a calm, happy household so all good.

Lots of your accounts resonate with me. I had a financially abusive 14 year marriage. Went without during that time in order to build a future with him. 3 kids brought my career to an abrupt halt. Whilst his career took off and the financial abuse began. We were alway saving hard for ‘our’ (his) future. No money for anything in the present, except what he wanted. The jointly accumulated assets for ‘our’ future/pension of course ‘disappeared’ when I decided I’d had enough and left. During our marriage I adopted his circle of friends, wisely I also kept my own despite his encouragement that my friends were terrible v his being amazing. On hearing of our separation, many of the circle of his friends stuck with him, believing his lies that I was a ‘gold digger’. Wow! Amazing truth distortion! Of course I got a poor divorce deal owing to his hiding the assets and lying to the courts. The few friends of his that I still see think I am bitter. I say traumatised. They say move on. I say how? It’s very hard when you thought you were working towards a great future for so long and the person who is/was your nearest and dearest destroys you. I am 54 and 5.5 years post split. I also have friends jet setting off to grand places for their 25th wedding anniversaries etc. I have found new friends in the last 5.5 years. Some divorced, some happily married, some less so. I enjoy their friendship. I recognise his friendship circle were never truly ‘my’ friends. I don’t need to jet off places to enjoy life. I have 3 amazing teenage children. After 14 years as SAHM I got myself a decent job when I left the marriage - he refused to pay maintenance, taking 50% of the childcare instead - a role he promptly passed to his sister. On the bright side, having 50% child free time enabled me to restart my career. I am now earning enough to get by. The divorce was harrowing and he just enjoyed the continuation of being able to screw me financially. I feel guilty that I can’t provide financially well for my kids futures, but then I didn’t have much financial help from my parents due to their circumstances, and I managed fine. My parents were always a great emotional support and helped in other ways. My kids have the same great support from me, I am always there for them. I need to stop worrying about what his friends think of me, I need to eject anyone from my life that isn’t a positive, I need to not be bothered about having the ‘Disney’ marriage and the jet setting anniversaries. My life is good. My kids are doing well. It takes time to heal. Be positive. Think positive. Show yourself how great you are. Wiser. Happier. The worst thing I could have done was to stick with him. Just wish I’d gone sooner. And yes, it is like wading through treacle. And people that haven’t gone through abuse and divorce and financial struggles have no idea, how can they?