Lying boyfriend

[ArtfulRoseDuck]

My boyfriend and I are in our early 30s and have been together for a year and a half.

I caught him lying about small and inconsequential things before. Nothing big.

He says that it is a coping mechanism from his childhood. His dad used to get violent whenever he heard something he didn't like, so my boyfriend started lying about everything.

I understand where he's coming from as I grew up in a similar environment. Each time I caught him I was gentle and told him he was always safe with me.

He promised me never to lie again a few months back and I didn't catch anything until now. There is a chance he did lie but I didn't take note as I don't like doing the detective work.

The last 2 weeks he's been telling me he's going into the office. But I saw him online a few times on a desktop app he wouldn't be allowed on his work computer. I suspect he was at home using his personal computer to access to the app.

I asked him if he was home each time but he refused. There were more telltale signs such as when he phoned me it was very quiet like he was at home not the office and also said things like 'let me go get lunch and come back home...... I mean the office.'

I don't know why he'd lie about that. I couldn't care less about where he works from. My theory is that he felt unmotivated to go into the office and didn't want to tell me in case I thought he was lazy. I wouldn't think that but his dad would, so I'm guessing there's a lot of shame around it.

I will go to his house next time he says he's in the office but is online on the app. I'm 99% sure that I will catch him.

Would you end it with him if you were me then or give him another chance if his reason is along the lines of what I suspect rather than something dodgy like cheating?

I feel like I can't live a life where I don't know if anything my partner says is true, especially as we do want kids in the future, but I do love him and feel sorry for what he went through as a child.

He lied about his salary and what he had for dinner before. He wanted to impress me with a higher salary and didn't want to admit he had junk food. His lies are things like that and also he offers up the info before I even ask.

I found my ex H had lied within 2 weeks of our wedding. They never change

Based on your thread title I was ready to say LTB, but actually I do empathise with him. I was in a very controlling relationship for a long time during which I found myself having to constantly lie about the most innocuous things just to spare the inevitable interrogation. I'm years out of the relationship but it's a really hard to habit to get out of.

I will go to his house next time he says he's in the office but is online on the app. I'm 99% sure that I will catch him.

I'm not sure this is the best approach. He'd probably feel embarrassed and ashamed, and framing it as wanting to "catch him" is placing you both on opposing sides. It could actually make the problem worse.

I think you need to talk to him about it again and make it clear that this needs to be dealt with. Has he ever had any counselling or therapy for his trauma? Unfortunately, it's the kind of thing that becomes so internalised it's hard to simply will oneself to stop doing it.

Lying became the normal for my exh then when I caught him lying about his wages - earning way more than he claimed - while I borrowed from family to pay bills - I filed for divorce.. Don't put yourself through such a life... Pointless... And painful..

Just to make one thing very clear - I'm not a controlling person one bit. He offers up these pieces of info/lies in his own accord most of the time. And I'm sick and tired.

I do want to 'catch' him this time. I feel like he's insulting my intelligence with his blatant lies now. Had enough.

If you've had enough, just end it.
But maybe you want the satisfaction of catching him out - I think I would, actually.

I feel like I can't live a life where I don't know if anything my partner says is true

You said it. It won't get better.

Ex wife lied before we married - and it carried on. I covered for her, ignored it, tried to talk about it, address it, but something in her head meant she couldn't help herself.

Can you respect someone if you don't know if they're lying?
Can you carry on loving someone you can't respect?

Try to address it first, see what happens. But in your head, be prepared to walk.

I will go to his house next time he says he's in the office but is online on the app. I'm 99% sure that I will catch him.

Your basing everything on an app that you don't name but assume wouldn't be allowed on a work computer. Just in case he's working from home rather than the office. If he is working from home, does it really matter? Is he saying he's in the office because you've previously disrupted him when he's trying to work from home?

I wouldn't continue with him.
One of the most important things to me with my DH from the very beginning is that I can trust him and rely on him telling the truth and being transparent with me. It makes me feel safe and secure. If I was regularly facing these white lies for stupid things I would start questioning more and more things and I wouldn't have this peace in me. I could t live like that. And your bf is not suddenly going to stop doing this so you would have to live with this and for me it's not good enough.

Yeah he couldn't be online on that if he was in the office.

And why would you assume I distrupted him when he WFH?! I'm fully remote myself and wouldn't do that.

No it doesn't matter where he works from as I said in my post. That's my point. Why lie?

Fair point, thanks. I keep thinking if there were bigger lies. I wouldn't have caught on probably because I don't like to snoop/prod or whatever. I need to trust someone and take their word for everything like yourself.

Look, my DH lied from the get go. About everything. Ridiculous, inconsequential things. I don't know how many conversations we had regarding his lying, but it was alot.

It always ended with him promising not to lie, to tell the truth. In news that will surprise nobody, he continues to lie to this very day. He is incapable of telling the truth.

It's a difficult life, constantly knowing you are being lied to

I said the following on another thread like this a while ago.

The women who end up in happy relationships, proper happy lovely relationships with great men who are their friends and supporters as well as romantic partners - this isn’t happy accident, they aren’t ‘the lucky ones’.

They are the ones who, when faced with situations like this, don’t hesitate. They dump. They just say to themselves - I don’t want that. It’s not good enough.

They don’t give second chances or the benefit of the doubt or rumble on about the difficult childhoods and bend themselves over backwards trying to make it ok.

They dump. And move on. And they only stay with the good ones, who they’ve freed themselves up to meet, instead of flailing around in treacle trying to make the shitty ones ok.

Be one of those women, OP. Dump him. He lies because he wants to.

The fact that you are planning to go out of your way to catch him out lying purely so that you can break up with him says to me that this relationship is over.

You can't have a proper relationship with a liar, OP. It's impossible. They don't give all of themselves to it and you end up treading on eggshells, wondering when you're going to find out a serious lie.

I'd just end it. You deserve so much better.

It’s a tricky one, his lying in this situation seems innocuous however lying can become habitual.

My ex H lied about everything big and small so it became very difficult to know what was true or not and that’s not a good place to be.

It also sounds like you are obsessing a little bit about what he could be lying about and making it a mission to catch him out (I do understand why btw). Ultimately honesty, respect and trust are essential for a relationship. I would have a chat with him and see if you can overcome it.

An ex of mine was a liar. He lied about buying things, lied about having people over, lied about his feelings for me.

We split and my husband doesn't lie. I don't lie. I prefer it this way. Life is better.

Once someone has broken your trust with a lie - how can you ever trust them?

I think you may have misinterpreted my post. I certainly didn't mean to insinuate that you're controlling. I apologise if it came across that way. I was simply comparing my previous situation to your boyfriend's past.