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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Advice on relationship

14 replies

QuickAzureBee · 01/07/2024 13:48

Me and my partner have been together for 5 years. We both have children from previous relationships. I have 1 and they have 2. We have a mortgage together and have lived together for 4 years. I was always earning more money so have always paid all the bills and they covered shopping. They have just got a new job which makes our situation about 60 to 40 split on earnings me being the 60. I have said about putting out finances together and having a joint account we both put in the percentage of the wages and pay all the bills food etc from that one account and then we still have our separate money. When trying to set this up I was told that I am trying to be controlling. I see it as I am trying to be fare. On top of this my partner has turn around to me and said that they have booked a week off from there new job and we are going on holiday. I checked my child's dates and he is away with the ex partner for the first 3 days. I have said that they should of checked to make sure that all in the family are available before making that decision and booking the time off. My partner is saying that they are still going away as it is there birthday week. Bear in mind that we have already been away this year without my child. My partner is adamant that they are still booking a holiday and going. The reason I have put both the financial and holiday in the same thread is because I cannot just decide I'm booking a holiday as over 90% of my wages go on bills and I am not in a position just to do that. I have tried talking to my partner about both situations but we hit a stone wall every time and I get labelled controlling. I was just wondering what other peoples opinions are on this and has any one else been in a similar situation and what was the outcome

OP posts:
TheShellBeach · 01/07/2024 13:50

You're being financially abused.

You're also in a controlling relationship, and he's doing the controlling.

Can you get away from him?

TheShellBeach · 01/07/2024 13:51

Also, why is he going away with his ex?
Don't you object to that?

L2435 · 01/07/2024 13:54

Not sure why PP’s are assuming the partner is male

Either way - this doesn’t sound healthy

QuickAzureBee · 01/07/2024 13:55

Sorry I miss wrote that. They are not going away with there ex they are trying to book a holiday for us but my child is not available to go and I don't want to go without him as I have already done that once this year.

OP posts:
QuickAzureBee · 01/07/2024 13:56

I didn't want to say because not sure of the reaction on here but I am the male and my partner is female

OP posts:
ThreeEggOmlette · 01/07/2024 14:03

We split our finances like you are suggesting OP - both contribute 50% of our wage to the family - & I think it's fair.

It's worked in your partner's favour to the last 5 years, so not sure why it's a problem to make it fairer now. I get they might like having access to more funds but - rightly - so would you!!

Re: holiday. Sure, partner can of course go but you don't have to pay for it.

WeekendFreedom · 01/07/2024 14:04

TheShellBeach · 01/07/2024 13:50

You're being financially abused.

You're also in a controlling relationship, and he's doing the controlling.

Can you get away from him?

She’s doing the controlling

Coconutter24 · 01/07/2024 14:07

It’s very unfair of her to think that she wouldn’t have to contribute any of her pay rise to the family home and bills.

LifeExperience · 01/07/2024 14:19

She is financially controlling and doesn't want to holiday with your child.

QuickAzureBee · 01/07/2024 14:23

LifeExperience · 01/07/2024 14:19

She is financially controlling and doesn't want to holiday with your child.

When I try and speak about it I am being accused of being financially controlling which then makes me question am I. But obviously I know it's not right to be doing a post like this for the first time.

OP posts:
Mumofoneandone · 01/07/2024 14:33

Looks like you may have to have a long hard look at your relationship unfortunately.
Financial situation has changed, so contributions need to be reacessed. If they are not prepared to do that then it maybe time to separate.

TheShellBeach · 01/07/2024 14:39

QuickAzureBee · 01/07/2024 14:23

When I try and speak about it I am being accused of being financially controlling which then makes me question am I. But obviously I know it's not right to be doing a post like this for the first time.

Why?

TheShellBeach · 01/07/2024 14:41

It would have been easier to follow your OP if you'd just used the right pronouns for all the protagonists.

TheShellBeach · 01/07/2024 14:43

But obviously I know it's not right to be doing a post like this for the first time

Why shouldn't you post?
Everyone is entitled to do so.

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