Had enough

[stargirl1701]

I'm sitting in a cafe this morning alone. I feel like running away. Just had enough.

We're supposed to leave on holiday at noon.

I could cry sitting here. I'm not a crier.

It's not 'bad'. There's no abuse of any kind. I just feel like the family slave.

DD1 is autistic. DH works insane hours in the Spring. My Dad has been in hospital in June. MIL has been in hospital in June.

I feel like everything is on my shoulders. I'm the 'last grown-up'. I have to organise everything and then check everyone has done what I need them to do. I can't rely on anyone to just bloody do stuff.

I'm on my sixth type of AD - Paraoxitine (sp?). I didn't have mental health issues before I was a mother. I managed 36 years of life without needing counselling or ADs.

I'm a teacher and the summer holidays started last Friday. I'm not looking forward to anything. It's just more weeks of stuff I need to do.

How old is DD1? Are you entitled to any respite?
Who else could pick up the slack with MIL(that’s if she still needs help)? Does your DH has any siblings? Does he have to work so much? Any chance of a job change to take some pressure off you?
Hope you’ll manage to recharge a bit on your holidays.
Hugs ((()))

Op sorry to hear you feel like this. As a fellow family slave I do get you. I'm thinking if you have tried many different AD's already and you didn't suffer before this that perhaps the tablets aren't working because the situation isn't changing? Have you considered therapy along side the meds as a way to get it all out ? Something has to change right? I know this will sound easier then it is to do but it's time to get a tad selfish and concentrate on you. I know your kids will still need alot of your time but why you are you dealing with your mil alone ? You may be the last adult as you put it but you won't be for much longer if someone else doesn't step up. I note your hubby works long hours but it's his mum and I'm all for helping your mil but not at the expense of your own sanity. Op I don't mean this in a rude way but you have to take some responsibility for your own happiness. Speak up and tell the ppl in your life you need help. I really hope you're ok today and I hope you get the help you deserve.

You need to drop some of these responsibilities. I have no experience of an ND child and I do realise that help is in desperately short supply, but if DH is coming on the holiday you rrally need to step back. When he asks you "what are we going to do/eat/what time should" etc turn it right back to him:"what do you think?" "What do you suggest, I haven't had a chance to think about that" etc.

This is clearly unsustainable as it is.

The minute u have kids life is no longer about u, it’s about balancing everything which is much harder than most imagine.
Soeak to hubby and tell him u r struggling, what u r struggling with and what u need him to do, so I can continue.

DH is 'coming on holiday' but really working. He will sleep in the tent but be at work all day.

I was having weekly counselling for a couple of years but stopped last Autumn when DD1 became suicidal about school and went down to part-time timetable.

I was also quite unwell over the last 12 months. I had my gall bladder removed in January which has eliminated the nightly vomiting after dinner, thankfully. I have a liver cyst which was recently MRId - may need to have that drained.

DH is helping MIL. He has tied in visiting with his work so can pop in on the way to a farm. They live 3 hours from us so it's obviously a whole day trip for him. She developed a blood clot after a flight to Paris which then developed into liver failure and a hospital acquired infection.

SIL lives in Sydney. My 45 year old younger brother lives like a teenage boy with my elderly father due to his undiagnosed autistic disabilities.

I can't have HRT due to cervical polyps which I am on a 98 week NHS waiting list. I have fibroids but I've not pursued anything to do with that.

I'm consumed with rage today. Sheer unadulterated rage.

I'm not surprised you're furious OP and this is clearly no kind of holiday at all for you.

Why does your husband work so much? If you need the money it's more understandable - but do you have heavy outgoings like a big mortgage or car finance?

I get the impression that your dh is not open to any negotiation on his working pattern - I assume this is something you have raised but without success?

I really don't think you need medicating out of this horrible situation. You need the situation to change. Without knowing more I can't suggest how that might happen, but you sound so close to burning out - as anyone would be in your situation I think.

I know I haven't suggested anything helpful but I just wanted you to know how much I feel for you.

Edited for typo

His job is seasonal - agronomist. It's like anyone in the agricultural sector.

Insane hours in the Spring. Home by 11pm and away again around 5am. We've been together for nearly 20 years and 'Twas ever thus. It's balanced by the Winter when there is very little to do in comparison. Sundays used to be pretty sacrosanct but, as the older farmers retire, the younger ones are more 'modern'.

DD1 only copes with camping holidays. We've tried so many other options to no avail. I guess the tent is always 'the same' even why the site changes.

That job really doesn't sound compatible with family life 😬 - or actually, with dhs own health and wellbeing. Has he ever considered a more standard kind of job eg using his expertise to work in an agricultural college, or for an agricultural supplier eg in research or management?

It may not be his first choice, but as a husband and father he needs to consider yours and dcs wellbeing and ensure he is not harming you in pursuit of his own top preference

It is family friendly and flexible except for Spring. He does enjoy his job and has spent decades building his client base.

My job as a teacher is far less family friendly and flexible, tbh.

I think I need more people for 3 months. How do I achieve that? I could do with a nanny, a cleaner, a gardener and a housekeeper for 3 months of the year.

If your DH's work is family-friendly except in spring, then why will he be working all day on holiday? That's not a family-friendly job at all.

I feel for you OP. I agree with whoever said this doesn't sound like something you can medicate yourself out of. Your stress and depression responses are entirely correct for the situation you're in, so the only long-term way to change them is to change the situation.

Good luck with the holiday and the summer

The Spring usually runs from the end of March to the end of June. It was delayed this year due to the weather.

I agree I am medicating circumstances.

Sorry you’re struggling OP.

Speak to DH and make a plan together that he also has some deliverables for. Drop gardening. DH can do that or he can find and hire a gardener for an hour a week in summer. Drop some cleaning. You can find and hire a cleaner for a couple of hours a week to do specific things like whole house hoover and dust. Have all groceries delivered. Split evening meal responsibility 50/50.

Consider 0.8 at school for a couple of years.

On holiday, allocate all evening meal and evening activities to DH. Say you’ll do mornings and you share lunch.

See GP about how to come off ADs that don’t seem to be helping.

Do you enjoy any kind of exercise? Running? Swimming? walking? Make sure you have at least 2 hours each week where you can do something like this on your own or with a friend to boost MH. Arrange childcare if DH can’t be available at this time.

💐🌸