Sharing responsibilities

[BabyRach]

I am married with 3children, 17, 14, & 10, been married for 20 years. The past 10 years have been difficult. My husband does not like defining responsibilites in the house as well as finances. He pays the house bills and i take care of kids expenses and council tax. I have requested over the past couple of years for us to go 50/50, as this will give me clarity on what our monthly expenses are. All the bills are in his name and i have no access to them as everything is online. However, my DH does not believe that 50/50 is sustainable in a marriege. I dont know what the future holds for us and would like to start saving separately for my own future financial security, i feel very suffocated & disengaged in the marriage.
I have tried talking to him but clearly we do not have the same vision, values or communicaton style. Everytime i invite him to have a conversation with me, he avoids the meeting or sits and says nothing, or it leads to a very defensive conversation, thus not getting any conclusion or closure. I have also recommended we attend councelling to improve how we communicate and he does not believe in couples councelling.

My question is how do you organise your finances as a couple and still maintain your independence.

Do you have a job OP?

Finances are one of those things that can be done many different ways, and you just have to find the way that works best for your individual household. We are married and all of money from both of our jobs is “our” money, there is no “his”/“mine”, it’s all the money into one pot and everything out of one pot, this works for us!

But even just within our friendship group every couple does it differently and prefers their way and that’s fine as it works for them. One couple split all bills 50/50, which is I think what you refer to, but that is only really fair if you both earn equally. If one of you earns £3000 a month and the other only £1000 a month then 50/50 is going to be a much bigger chunk of money to one of you than it is the other.

I think there are different ways to sort it out but it needs transparency as to what each partner is earning, what the outgoings are and how much each partner gets for themselves each month. It seems there is not transparency in your marriage so it’s difficult to know whether the arrangement is fair. Do you have savings in your own name? Does he? Is he financially controlling?

I have a job and earn way more than him. We both know what the other person earns and we are both professionals in the corportate field.Our biggest problem is communication, we dont see eye to eye on anything, he is very insecure and always puts me down. We just go round and round in circles, he says that everytime i sit down with him to have a chat he feels that i gaslight him, put him down or criticize him. This is exactly what he does to me, always remining me that i am not good enough at anything.
I am at the end of my tether and i want to break this cycle. After 20years of marriage, i am not expecting any miracle. I want to change the narative.