At my wits end with friend

[MrsBelle]

Myself and friend have babies under 1. She split up with her husband before she fell pregnant and had a few tinder flings and online relationships which is all she ever talked about even infront of her 4 year old daughter. Anyway 6 months after her marriage ended in a night of idiocy she fell pregnant with her ex husband. We were all supportive as there are worse things than a baby but her ex husband didn't want another baby and made it very clear at the start. During the pregnancy she started to show signs of not coping she sent her daughter to her dad's most days and just sat about the house all day. She's never had a job and has been on benefits since she was 16 so she literally had nothing to get up for and she still moaned which really got to me as I was working full time in a high pressure job in the NHS. Once the baby was born her ex husband yet again made it clear he wasn't really interested in having another baby although did show up for the birth and stayed at her house for around a week but as soon as he went home she was crying everyday screaming down the phone she couldn't cope. Again her daughter was at her dad's upto 5 nights a week. I was heavily pregnant but still went over on my days off to help look after the baby so she could get a sleep but every time I went over she went upstairs and sat on a phone call with a guy she met on tinder for hours at a time when I thought she should have been using that time to rest or shower etc but I never said anything and let her get on with it. I was going over to help out multiple times a week until I had my own baby. She's honestly been a nightmare she constantly screams at her older child. Leaves the baby to cry and her house is an absolute mess. I've tried to help as much as I can but I'm also exhausted and have PPD too. I've told her she needs to speak to her GP but she doesn't believe in antidepressants. I just feel she's not helping herself she sits in her house all day and doesn't even take the baby out a walk in the pram etc but moans all she does is cry and doesn't sleep etc she always throws it in my face that I have my husband here to help but he literally works shifts 40 hours a week nights and days so he's actually very rarely home and when he is he's sleeping for the next shift. I'm honestly at my wits end I feel like she's not helping herself and whenever I offer any advice it's thrown back at me. I really think she should speak to her GP about feeling so depressed but she just gets angry at me when I bring it up. I'm worried social services are going to get involved as her neighbours must hear her constantly screaming at the kids as well as her house and garden being an absolute hazard I know I sound judgemental but I'm honestly so exhausted with the full situation what should I do?

I think you honestly need to get DSS involved. She’s neglecting the kids and abusing you and her ex as well.

I also think you need to get social services involved. At this point both children are growing up abused and neglected.

Side note, the ex husband is also a f*cking bastard. I'll bet he had unprorected sex with her. WTF do people do this and saddle the children with an absolute shiteshow of a childhood? These poor kids.

Call SS. Take a step back for your own MH.

You've done everything you can, call SS she needs support

She sounds deeply depressed and incredibly lonely. However, these aren't your issues to solve. I agree that she needs some external support put into place and social services can help her with this. I would consider speaking to them and explaining this. She's not coping now, but if she has support in place, she can learn to.

Don't give more of yourself than you can afford here too.

Your friend sounds like she has poor life coping skills (what was her background?) and is grieving the loss of her marriage and doing irrational things as a result of severe depression. The sex with her husband was probably grief sex on her part....on his part it was just easy sex, but that is the mother of his child that he treated like a an easy cheap lay. Proper Cold Bastard!

I agree phone SS for the kids, you have honestly tried. But you are not a medical professional and can only do so much. She needs medical intervention with ongoing long-term therapy. Unfortunately she's unlikely to get the latter.

I genuinely think you need to get ss involved and then step away from her. She is probably contributing to your ppd also. Those poor kids deserve better from both parents

You're not her therapist, her doctor, her carer or her social worker and you are not responsible for her. She's obviously a troubled and unstable person but that isn't up to you to fix. For the sake of your own sanity, you need to distance yourself from her. She's obviously a very self-destructive person who makes impulsive choices, and there's probably a reason for that in her past, but it's not up to you to resolve it. She needs professional help, but until she agrees to ask for that for herself, you can't step in and be there every time she wants to scream and cry at you. You really, really need to step away from her.

If you are really worried about her ability to care for her children and keep them safe, then definitely speak to social services. They can signpost her to proper support, if nothing else.

You've done everything you can and you need to put yourself and your own family first by leaving her to her own devices.

You could also inform your Health Visitor - who would be well placed to involve social services.

Call social services, she's neglecting her children.

She has never coped so its irrational to think she can cope now. You need to realize you can’t get anywhere pouring water into a bucket with a hole in the bottom. Her children are at risk. She lacks insight into the situation—she needs help bit thinks “if only” a man comes along she will be ok. So her hopes are pinned on tinder rather than taking care of her children and getting a job.

You can’t scaffold and support her enough—you are already overwhelmed. The children are at risk and she is sinking. Report her to children’s services.

Definitely call social services. The children deserve better than this. Does she have any support from family etc? Or her exh's family?
Somebody needs to step up and protect the little ones

Her mum takes baby over night a couple of times a month and dad does take him once a week after a lot of hassle. She does currently have a new boyfriend that stays over a couple of times a week who seems to help with the baby which is good but she will still phone screaming down the phone, she can't drive so getting her kids to and from her family is also a hassle and sometimes she will fall out with me if I can't pick them up. If she wasn't my friend and I was reading this from an outsiders perspective i would honestly be horrified 🙈 her family are supportive but have busy lives and they are also aware how much stress she is under and how she is coping her mum has said if she was younger and fitter she would take the baby.

Contact social services. None of them are coping and it's not fair on the children to live with that level of chaos.

You do need to step back as you are enabling her to not help herself. The disappearing upstairs to talk to internet blokes is just neglect. You do need to talk to social services - it does sound as if she needs a wake up call. You cannot fix her though - she needs to want it herself and make the effort herself.