Did you end a relationship due to their MH?

[Sweeties1989]

Im just looking for some stories and reasons you may have left a partner because of their MH. Whether it was depression or addicition etc? I am trying to not be selfish or leave a person when they are down. But any attempts to fix or help are ignored and are replaced with "stop having ago at me" when all im trying to do is understand.

What made you leave?
What was the thing that made you decide it was enough?

Im feeling like his problems have taken over and nothing is about us and the plan anymore. Hes unreliable. I feel alone. Never get my needs met. No sex life. Its crap.

I haven't been there but I just wanted to say you absolutely should leave if he's refusing to even try to recover and making your life a misery. You matter too, you don't just exist to be an emotional support person for him.

He's not even trying to address his problems or get better, you leaving may well be the incentive he needs to realise he has to do something. You can phrase it as a break to give him time to address his issues if you think it would be too harsh to make a total break, but you being with him is not helping him, and you're being ground down.

I would continue to support my child in a situation like this, but no one else - you have one life, you need to live it.

Recognise that recovering from any MH problems takes that person's personal commitment and nothing you do/say can help that. If someone is refusing therapy/meds/ just to talk you can't do a lot.

I ended a relationship with a chap who was all over the place emotionally, when I suggested therapy he resisted and trauma dumped on me. He wanted me to 'save him' and I recognised I couldnt if he couldnt do it himself. I had to walk away to preserve my MH. But it was a fairly short relationship (>6months). Harder if it's long term.

You wouldn’t be being in the least ‘selfish’ by ending things. You’ve tried your best to help over what sounds like a sustained period. It’s not working. Your needs are just as important as his and they’re not being met. You’re not some other human being’s support animal, therapist etc.

Yes. He had depression (didn’t when we met).

Everything became about him. It started slowly at first, little things like he didn’t want to go out for dinner as he felt down, didn’t want to walk the dogs with me. Then everything was against him; work, his family, everything.

I was already wobbling and thinking about ending it when my grandad died (we were very close) and all he cared about was whether I’d still go to his cousins wedding. I ended it there and then. Literally the second he asked about it (the same day I said my grandad had died), I told him it was over. I didn’t even let him finish his question. He threatened to kill himself. So I blocked his number - I don’t do manipulation or guilt trips - and haven’t looked back. Best decision I ever made.

You’re better off being single than with someone who just brings you misery IME. No one deserves to be someone else’s emotional punching bag.

I should have left purely on the grounds that he wasn't meeting my needs.

But the reasons that I finally left were that a) I got to know his family better and realised that he had the offer of limitless financial and emotional support to help get treatment, all refused and b) I had the opportunity to move to a different city to pursue a new career. I would never have been able to look myself in the mirror if I'd have given up that opportunity to stay with an addict.

I did. I was deeply in love with my first ever serious partner and I genuinely thought we'd grow old together. Out of the blue he decided he was a transwoman and started wearing my underwear and making creepy sexual demands. He was depressed and unwell and thought transitioning would solve all his problems.

I'm so glad I left even though it was incredibly hard and confusing at the time. I felt very responsible, and felt like his family (whom I also really cared for) would think I was abandoning him.

Years down the line we're still friends and he's doing ok. He changed his mind about being trans after we split up. (Since the Cass review we now know that most young people who think they are trans desist). He still has periods of depression but he has a mostly happy life. I have a been with a brilliant, kind, funny man for over two decades now. Every single day I can't believe how lucky I am.

It's not our job as women to 'fix' anyone's poor mental health. Give yourself permission to move on.

Ive read all the above. I feel horrendous inside today. Hes hanging up and constantly blaming me having ago as the only issue.

I did. It was depression, narcissistic personality disorder. He used to appear to engage, get the prescriptions attend the talk therapies and ignore and throw the medication away.

I was his emotional football alongside being the person working, responsible for the children etc. I should have ended it earlier, but all i was told by family and medical staff was how i was the reason he was here.

He snarled at our two year old that was it. Once it impacted the children I was gone. That was eight years ago. The guilt went as I became aware how much impact their MH had in me. And I had no control to engage to help them.

Life is short you get one chance. I have family and friends with MH issues and I support them but I do this without being abused nor them not engaging.

I think the trick is to reframe this. You're not leaving him because he has mental health issues. You are leaving him because he has mental health issues for which he refuses to seek help/do the work to solve for and as a result his behaviour towards you makes you unhappy.

There was a woman on here a few years ago whose Dh had been diagnosed with diabetes. But was refusing to do anything to manage it - not diet, not meds, not blood monitoring etc. She was considering divorce as watching him destroy himself and being forced to care for him as a result was clearly detrimental to her and their children.

Yep. Best thing I could've done.

His hand was forced in terms of hitting rock bottom and sorting himself out - happy in a relationship now. And I'm not being dragged down anymore.

Four years on and I've never regretted doing it for a second

Save yourself. Get out now.

There is nothing you can do to help a person like that. They will destroy you.

Of course the minute you say you are leaving, the emotional blackmail will start. But that's nothing new. They've been blaming you for everything anyway.

I divorced a man like that. Best decision I ever made.

I left someone due to a sex addiction.
It may have been the sex addiction that also caused mood swings and abusive controlling behaviour.
The controlling behaviour was probably alongside the sex addiction rather than as a result of it.

There is nothing worse than someone trying to plan your every move as though you are a child.bBeing suffocated and left with no breathing space is very stressful, certainly not sexy.

People like this need therapy to manage their underlying anxiety, fears, and hang ups, otherwise they will continue to alienate their nearest and dearest.

I did.

Imagine if he had a broken leg and was refusing treatment. Folk wouldn't say 'oh you can't leave him now as his leg is hanging off' they would be saying how great you were for hanging around so long and changing his bandages, and calling him stupid for throwing it all away because he wouldn't seek help for his leg, idiot.

Mental health is hard to battle, both for those living with it and those around them. But if they won't engage, why should you? You can't fix them if they don't want to fix themselves.

It's not your fault.
You didn't cause it.
It's fine to say enough is enough. Relationships work both ways. If it's not working for you, you can walk away.

Well if you 'having a go' is the only problem he has, then you ending the relationship will be the best thing for him too, won't it?

changed mind, too outing

Yes.
He had ADHD and anxiety, and was very very overly emotional and reactive with it. And although he had all the good intentions, he didn't follow through on anything at all, including getting treatment/therapy. Everything became my fault for "not understanding him" whereas my view was that I understood fine, I just didn't agree with a lot of his opinions, but it wasn't ok for him if I didn't share his take on every issue.

What made me leave was his continued inaction in getting help, when he kept saying he needed to because it was ruining his life.

What also made me leave was not him lashing out at me physically (although it should have), but him then failing to take any responsibility for his own actions and saying that it was my fault.
That just cemented that he was never going to take responsibility and therefore was never going to change.

It's not your fault, and if he doesn't choose to seek treatment and change himself, there's nothing you can do, so look after yourself and walk away.

I left a boyfriend of 18 months as he had alcoholism but wouldn't get help. The crux came when he fell down the stairs one nye- in the afternoon, before we'd even made it to the party we were meant to be going to.

He died 2 years later of liver failure.

Whilst I always feel sad at how he ended up, I knew I couldn't have been his saviour. I was also just divorced and had my own stuff going on to deal with without being a guardian angel to someone else.