Hi,
Could do with a bit of advice as I'm feeling really down about life and am getting myself in a rut of staying in on weekends and just laying on the sofa all day (basically, not wanting to do anything or go anywhere).
I have a good job. One that I've worked hard for since I was young. I'm now 51 and female. I was one of those girls who was more interested in securing a good career, and financial security, rather than dating boys. I was quiet back then, which also meant I avoided them.
I grew up on my own with my mum who, through ill health (she died in 2015), was unable to work. My parents divorced when I was 8 and I didn't see my dad anymore. My elder siblings were a lot older than me and had left home before my parents divorced. I suppose not having much money with my mum was a driver to me doing well at school etc. I didn't want to be like that.
Long story short, I married an older man eleven years my senior. I enjoyed going for days out with him and we got on well. I, at this point, hadn't had a real boyfriend (although had lost my virginity at 19 to a gorgeous 35 year old, who I'd become besotted with but also was being used by - I was told, by his older brother, that he had a heavily pregnant girlfriend in their home village. That was the end of it but it caused me a lot of emotional damage, as you can imagine). I met my husband a few years later and he was just one of those men you knew was stable. However, I knew (deep down) he didn't really do anything for me, sexually. You know that feeling you should have? Well, it wasn't there. We had a good life apart from this and brought two children into the world (now 20 and 16). I won't lie, he was really poor in the bedroom department and lacked passion. It was all very 'military' and there was nothing for me (if you know what I mean). Nonetheless, I had chosen this man and everything else in our lives was great. We enjoyed holidays etc. In time, I just couldn't have sex with him. Ever. It was all so fake for me, so pretend. And, as time went on, the age gap became more obvious. I had lost interest in him sexually. He never showed affection either. We didn't kiss (he was rubbish at it and complained about his asthma) and never held hands etc. I lived in a sexless marriage for over a decade. Yes, you read that right. In fact, the last time I had sex with him was 15 years ago! I knew that side of our relationship was over. I plodded on keeping myself busy with the children, my mum (when she was alive) and my job. Deep down I yearned affection (and, remember, my father didn't bother with me as a child so I had no father figure or true representation of what a normal, healthy marriage was).
You know where this is going.
Mid-40's - menopause - totally different ball game!!!! I was quite early to go through it but things all happened very suddenly. An abrupt stop to periods that had been, previously, as regular as clockwork. I became less tolerant of people. My husband, in particular. I also left my job! Got another but hated in and ended up feeling unsettled in my career. I also got the sex surge of menopause which, I am ashamed to say, led me to notice other men. And, led me online. I had realised that my relationship with my husband was deteriorating even more over the years. We were like siblings. We hardly spoke to each other if we went for a meal. It just wasn't there but both of us carried on, because that's what you do in a marriage.
I started chatting to a few men online. Just interesting conversation. Some got sexual at times - which I secretly got a kick out of - but it was nothing much and I moved on. Then, one evening, I started chatting to a man a year older than me. This was back in 2017. Yes, my hormones were raging (still are a bit) but it was becoming blatantly obvious that I was missing something in my life. I couldn't stop what was happening between us. Both of us married. I was so out of it in other ways with the menopause (I felt like a different person in a lot of ways and struggled - I have come out of it feeling like a different person tbh).
I'd chat online and on the phone to this man for hours. We both enjoyed it. Very sexual too. He was in a sexless relationship too. I maybe thought he'd leave her but, you guessed it, he didn't. No children. I wasn't feeling myself in a lot of ways (menopause) and went to see the GP but walked away empty handed. So, I've been through this without HRT.
I knew I was falling for this man. I know he was providing what was missing in my marriage. He never wanted to meet and he'd stop talking to me to avoid it. He had said he found me very attractive and had to cool things to stop it progressing. I was so out of it in lots of ways and was enjoying the attention and forgot the factor in both of our lives - we were both married.
Anyway, we did meet. He took me for a drink and I was hoping I wouldn't like him in person. However, I did and our chemistry was strong in person as it was in on the phone/online. He kissed me (got excited) but pulled away and left. He didn't speak to me first days and I got a message to say he felt guilty etc. He cut contact with me numerous times but always came back.
We met again and again. We had amazing, passionate sex. Something I'd never had before. It was amazing to be able to release my inner passions with a man who, well I'd fallen in love with. I know I am an idiot!
We are still in touch but he suffers guilt over what we did but still gets horny thinking about it. He has told me numerous times that he won't leave his wife. He said he loved her. I was so delusional and setting myself up for a broken heart. Again.
He has met me a few times for a chat/tea but it's very obvious he won't go there again. He has always shown care and concern for me. We still chat online and phone as friends. He has said he can't be what I want him to be and has encouraged me to find someone else. But then, sometimes he gets carried away again on the phone and he starts reminiscing about what we did etc. and how amazing it was.
I ended my marriage after meeting this man for the first time. It became blatantly obvious that I was living with someone who was no more than a friend. Someone who had never complimented me or given me any sort of affection.
I tried to find someone else. I've tried dating sites. I get plenty of likes but I don't seem to like any of them. I've had a few dates but nothing special. I'm in love with someone I can't have. End of.
I don't think dating sites are the right platform for me.
Anyway, with the realisation that this man is never going to be mine and can never fill that massive gap in my life, I am really down. He says he gets carried away. It has destroyed my life. Divorce costs were tens of thousands and the children live with their dad, mostly. I lost both of my siblings in this time, one to suicide.
I also took a job 100 miles away which is 2 days onsite and the rest at home. Obviously costs me £££. Job perfect, not the location.
So, combined with all of the above, I am feeling very down and realise I've messed up my life. I'm feeling better menopause-wise (anxiety was pretty bad too) but I am feeling extremely lonely. I have realised what I have missed in my life . I have realised that I have lived in a sexless marriage. I have done too much for others, with little in return. I have no family, apart from the children. The eldest lives at his dad's 90% of the time (although at university now) and has a part time job and a girlfriend. I hardly see him. He takes days to reply to my messages. The younger one is moody all the time and has recently started staying at her dad's more and, even though I try my best with her, she treats me appalling.
I have to sell the family home and find myself somewhere to live. I definitely know I have done the right thing ending my marriage and wish I'd done it earlier. He is a nice person - that's what kept me there - but we had zero chemistry.
Other man is living (250 miles away) a normal life and gets on with things as if nothing has happened. Meanwhile, my life is in tatters and he has no idea. He knows about the divorce. He doesn't know about the other effects this has had on me.
How do I get out of this mess? I feel so miserable and lonely. Struggling to keep it together at work.
I'm very sensitive right now so please no battering. It happened. Feelings, on my part, were very real and strong.