What do I do? Advice please

[littlebutterfly185]

I've just found out that my Husband of 5 years (together for 10, 1 child) has asked to see nudes of a random online. Also a few comments on their nude pics.

I initially confronted and said I wasn't angry but I wanted the truth. Tried to deny at first but it was very obvious that it was him.

What do I do? Is it that bad and is this normal for men (porn etc) I feel more sad that he wasn't honest with me. We've had some issues with lying in the past. I just feel so confused 😔

Is it porn? Or personal? Either way you need to know the truth and if he can’t give that, you’ve got problems.

You don't have to make a decision right this moment. Take your time and talk to family and or friends about it.

Tbh it would probably be a deal breaker for me. I'm not over fussed about my dh watching porn, but asking for nudes seems a step too far

Yes porn - so asking for a pic and then comments on the site. I guess I don't want to over react to something. I guess I'm also concerned that there is far more that I just don't know about.

Thank you for this. I can be quite reactive and I'm trying so hard to not over react and just take a step back. I'm not that fussed by porn, but the comments and asking for a pic just took it that step further.

Agree that the interaction is what would take it over the line for me. Most men, if not all, watch porn.

That would be my worry - what else??
And if there have been lying issues before, trust becomes difficult. There’s some sh*t the two of you need to air and resolve

It's bad

It's not normal

Why are confused?

Forsaking all others....

When you say there's been issues with lying in the past, presuming about contact with women/porn?
Has he cheated? I'd be very uncomfortable being with someone who wanted to do this. Looking at porn maybe, but talking to and engaging sex workers etc I'd be kicking him out.

You are not overreacting, @littlebutterfly185, and there should be no confusion. Your H has been interacting with a sex worker for his gratification, and then he twisted the knife by lying to you, which he has form for.

He’s a sleazy, faithless liar and I would show him the door.

Yes - but I never had the proof. He randomly came out with the 'I don't love you anymore' line and then I realised he was talking to others but told me it wasn't anything like I was thinking - just friends. But I didn't have anything concrete and we worked through things. I didn't want to accuse when I didn't have anything in front of me.

Appreciate everyone's input.
And yes, marriage is much harder than I anticipated but I didn't know if my expectations were just too high. I know it sounds silly, all the second guessing myself. It just helps me to talk things through.

@littlebutterfly185 if he's saying he doesn't love you anymore in such a blase manner, then you're better off without him. He sounds awful and you deserve better.

@littlebutterfly185 is he paying for the nudes?

Online where? I'm wondering if it's a hook up site where there's a potential to meet up or somewhere where they charge you for pics.

He said "I don't live you anymore" what exactly are you working on. He doesn't love you. You deserve to be with someone who loves the bones of you. I don't think there is anything to salvage.

It was a dark time - he fairly quickly told me he didn't mean it. But it really affected me. I just don't want to be taken for a fool.

I guess I felt I owed it to our child. I don't know. I know how it all sounds. I was scared & it was just so unexpected. But I'm not perfect - I was fully in my first time mum head space and that wasn't fair on him. So I felt I had stuff to work on too. If that makes sense.

@littlebutterfly185 is he prepared to go to relationship counselling?

He wasn't willing to before but I haven't mentioned it again. I'd assume he'd say no, but I don't know for certain. Might be something for me to broach when I feel a bit stronger. Thank you for your suggestion.

Your husband has sought sexual gratification outside of your marriage. That is the definition of cheating.

If he refuses to attend it's another demonstration of his lack of commitment to you and your relationship.

It takes two people to make a marriage work. It doesn't matter how you are commited to making it work if he isnt then it's going nowhere.

I've been with my husband for 15 years and it's not always easy. Sometimes you need professional help to communicate, understand eachother and grow together.

On here you’ll always get plenty of ‘LTB’ answers - sometimes they’re right, but sometimes not. Only you know your situation .
But I more worry when you say ‘maybe I set my expectations too high’ : honest and open isn’t too high, faithful isn’t too high, trust isn’t too high. They’re the foundations - if they’re being eroded you need to fix or run.

I have become worried about bringing anything up. I'm not great with my articulation and i don't want him to shut down. I worry about asking too much of him - he sort of has this outwards persona, but at home, it's different. I don't know if he's depressed but I just don't feel it excuses the behaviour. I feel I've worked on becoming a better wife, but you are right when you say, it takes two. I'll have a research on relationship counselling & see if it's something he's willing to access with me.

Genuinely, thank you to you all for taking the time to respond. I just feel very alone - it's nice to be able to talk it through.

Sensible call. If it happens - make sure everything comes out, that makes either of you unhappy. Get it all out so you can both deal with it.