Feel like I've been misled..? wwyd?

[YouMightBelieveTheWorldIsSweet]

I've been with my partner for around 2 and a half years.

We were both previously married and separated/divorced in the same year over a decade ago.

I am amicable with my ex husband. We have two adult children together and co-parented well. There were never any problems and as the children grew our contact became less. Nowadays, we rarely if ever have contact because there is no need. But we can be in the same place as each other for the childen, share our pride in them with each other and then go back to our own lives.

My boyfriend led me to believe that he had a similar relationship with his ex wife.

But I'm realising that this isn't strictly true.

They aren't friends (or so he says) and he dislikes her (or so he says) - this was all established in the early days of getting to know each other. They also have two adult children together who are slightly older than mine (his youngest and my eldest are the same age).

But there seems to he a lot of ongoing contact between them. Her name is always on his WA screen. I'd imagine this means their messages must be daily/every couple of days.

I know some people are friends with exes but almost daily contact 11 years after a divorce when he claims to not like her seems excessive and I wouldn't have got into a serious relationship with him if I'd known that this was the case.

Do you know what the contact is about? Are the kids both grown up and independent? Do they have any shared assets etc still?

I know my uncle still has pretty regular contact with his ex and their daughter is in her early 20’s now but she is not your typical 20 year old in as much as she has had a really rough time with her mental health and so they both worry about her, so they do text probably daily as both know how she is etc. I think a situation like that is very different to if say they are just texting chatting about the weather, weekend plans, what they’re having for lunch etc

I have no idea what the messages are about!

I've seen a couple from her if I've been sat next to him when he's opened it. They're chit chat/friendly from what I can see. Nothing inapproriate although she has been a bit overfamiliar at times. Their children are independent. Something happened last year and they were in more contact (which was understandable in the circumstances). But when I asked how things were going he said he didn't know because he didn't really speak to her.

I do just feel a bit misled though. I would rather be with someone who had a similar relationship with their ex to I have with mine - amicable but distant. Like a clean break. I didn't want a relationship with someone who was still messaging their ex every day 11 years after the divorce.

I can only say about the message I've seen from her because I've never seen any of his responses.

Have you spoken to him about it?

Not yet. I've only really pieced it all together over the last few days and realised how uncomfortable I am with it.

Not so much the level of contact (although definitely the level of contact) but also that I feel misled by him.

I don't really know how to say anything without sounding jealous. I'm not jealous. But I wouldn't have got involved with him if I'd known this was the level of contact.

I think you probably need to marshal your thoughts as to why it bothers you so much and then determine how to address it with him. I can’t say either of you are in the wrong here, but if you’re not willing to have a relationship with someone whose ex is in regular contact and that’s your line in the sand then that’s perfectly fine, you just need to explain it to him.

Marshall my thoughts?

Yes, you're probably right.

Not wanting to be with someone who is in daily contact with their ex wife is just my preference. I prefer a clean break. I wouldn't want to be with someone who wasn't amicable with an ex either where there was animosity and problems.

I've only met her a handful of times and, despite my attempts to be friendly, I've only been met with hostility from her. She's been like it with previous exes of his so it's not just me. So any chance of us all being friendly is out of the window.

Either they are friends, he does like her and wants to keep in close frequent contact, and he has deliberately misrepresented their relationship and his feelings to me or he doesn't like her and doesn't want to keep in contact but has no boundaries and so just goes with the flow and chats with her because she messages him.

I don't find either of those options particularly attractive really.

I don't think he is in the wrong for being friends with her (if they are) but I do think he is wrong for telling me he doesn't like her and has little to do with her and then being in daily contact with her.

I totally understand, but I think that getting it straight in your own head as to exactly why this isn’t alright by you is what you need to have the conversation.

So as you say:

1. Your preference is for a relationship with someone who has an amicable but arms-length situation with their ex
2. Particularly as the ex in question is hostile
3. You feel he’s not adequately described the relationship that they have had and now it’s giving you pause for thought.

I’m sorry you’re going through this.

I think I’d be upset by the deception as well. You got the impression previously that they weren’t really part of each others daily lives, but it doesn’t seem that way.

I just don't know how to bring it up.

I don't really want to break up with him and I'm absolutely not going to make him choose!

I'm cross with him that he wasn't transparent about it.

Tbh, there are a couple of other small niggly things I want to talk about with him too. I just don't know how to bring it up.

I'm quite direct and I'm not sure if that is the best way to go about this.

I just feel like I'm going to be ripping the lid off a whole can of worms.

I think you need a ‘me, you and the future’ conversation to get everything off your chest including the stuff about his ex. Better to air it now than to let it fester and you can the conversation by saying: “I don’t want to break up with you, but I do want to talk about a few things that are concerning me.” Of course you then have to listen not only to his side of things, but he may have niggles of his own.

My partner was in daily contact, multiple times a day with his ex when I met him. It wasn’t until we spent more and more time together that I noticed. It wasn’t always about their child; she would frequently message first thing saying ‘hope you slept well’ and later in the day ‘how’s work today’.

He was scared of her at the time as she was constantly threatening to reduce his contact time with his child, so he replied to try and keep her sweet. I had to say something and get him to see it from my perspective and he gradually reduced his replies and sort of weaned her off the constant chit chat. She wasn’t happy but his persistence paid off (along with a child arrangement order so he didn’t have to tiptoe around her anymore!). It was an awkward conversation to have, without it sounding like I was jealous, but I’m lucky that he was very receptive and knew he needed to address it.

I would definitely address it if I were in your position, particularly as they no longer need to be in regular contact about their children. Even if they’ve stayed ‘friends’, I agree that it isn’t really appropriate to be messaging every day.

I'd be happy to hear any niggles he has!

No one is perfect and I'm well aware of some of my flaws and do make an effort.

you can the conversation by saying: “I don’t want to break up with you, but I do want to talk about a few things that are concerning me.”

It sounds so simple! 🤣

He's downstairs because he's been watching the football. I'm going down now so no time like the present I suppose.

If only it were simple. Good luck - at least if he’s an England supporter he will be in a good mood!

Thank you. I'm glad it worked out for you. I do know I have to say something.

They're a long way from needing to discuss children things. Their youngest is nearly 26.

Oh really?

I had no idea! 🤣

Oh I’m away for a few nights from tomorrow so my fridge is empty so have come to the local pub for dinner - you can’t escape it sadly and I hate football as it goes! But needs must (and there is wine here where there isn’t any at home!)

Good luck

I can't stand it either. Hope it's a few days break for you and not work!

He's out watering the garden now.

I've come downstairs and have a single beer (for a bit of courage) so I'm going to talk to him when he comes in.

I hate having a planned conversation 😒

Ah thank you, but sadly it is work! Never mind the wine will help tonight!

You’ve got this, I think you’re brilliant for taking the bull by the horns so to speak. Hopefully the anticipation will be worse than the reality and you’ll end up feeling more assured and happier.

Just musing before he comes in.

I have deliberately avoided dating men with school aged children because I didn't want to have to navigate exes. I waited until mine were older teens anyway but deliberately only dated men without children or with adult children for this reason. He knows this.

Not that my exh and I were in touch very often but I was definitely mindful of the times of day/how often I contacted him once he became serious with someone because I just don't think it's appropriate to encroach.

Good luck
I'd be the exactly the same as you.
Let us know how you go x

Can't believe you want to have a serious conversation with a man while he's watching the football good luck!