What am I going to do? Please help

[Notalone]

I can't even muster up the energy to change my name for this. I just want some advice.

DP has always had a temper and can be very snappy. He swears at me, often around DS, says really hurtful things, always throws it back at me that he earns more than me and has on occasion pushed me about.

Last night after I had finished (ft) work, done 2 loads of washing, changed beds, done DS's spellings and reading plus cleaned DS's room (while DP sat on his arse at the Pc) I came upstairs for a shower and asked DP if he could turn the pan down on the hob when he came downstairs. Just as I was about to get in the hower I reminded him again and he shouted at me to stop harassing him and that I had asked him 3 times at least. I asked him to stop swearing and to stop exaggerating.

After my shower I came out of the bathroom and went to give DS a kiss as he was enroute to bed. DP shouts to me "Don't you dare go on that f'ing computer or..." I asked if he was threatening me to which he grabbed the book he was reading to DS (a normal paperbook sized book) and threw it as hard as he could into my face. He then screamed at me that he hates me, can't stand the sight of me and that no-one else would ever want me. He then slept on the sofa and is saying he is going to walk out.

I live miles away from my friends, my family were abusive and I just don't know what to do. I have to go to work now and I can't stop crying. What am I going to do??

tell him if he wants to walk, he can walk
you don;t deserve this disgusting treatment
he is abusing you, and most likely, it will escalate

if he hates you and can;t stand you, let him leave and take his poisonous attitude with him

sorry you are going htorugh this

He did this while your little boy was watching? It sounds to me like you have swapped one abusive family for another.

This isn't a one-off, is it? Do you have any sort of support network? How about work colleagues?

Your post made me so sad. You do not deserve to be treated like this. Do not let your child see his mother being abused again. Is there a Citizens Advice nearby you could ring for practical advice on what to do? He should not be allowed in your house if he treats you like that.

sorry you are going through this..
i would tell him to walk as well. its not just you he is putting through it, but your son as well, he must have been really scared.
neither of you deserve to put up with abuse like that x

Just started a new job and my colleagues are not all that friendly so no support network here at all. Isn't my name ironic cos in actual fact I am. I have some great friends down south where I am from but they are miles away.

I am so sad for my lovely DS. We had just booked a holiday and I had a planned to take him down to London soon - no none of this is going to be happenning. I know he hates the arguements and I dont want him to see anymore. I just don't know what to do anymore. I have never felt so down in my life.

I need to go to work in a minute but will try to come back on later. Thanks for asnswering me so quickly

What's your financial / childcare situation? If he is offering to go then let him - or better still tell him to. You should not have to put up with this - he sounds very angry and unhappy and you and your DS must not be dragged down with him. Sounds like your childhood was rotten - time to start putting an alternative plan into place to ensure that DS is protected from this.... Sending you whatever the un-naff version of virtual hugs is.

I work full time so can't get to Citizens advice - don't even think there is one near. An no it isn't a one off. I have been with DP for almost 12 years since I was 18 nd when we met he was lovely. Now he is just so bloody angry all the time and refuses to go for anger management.

I have just got a new childminder and but I don't earn enough to support DS and I along with the rent bills childcare etc on my own. If I am going to be on my own anyway I would want to move back to where I came from where my friends are but it costs a fortune to rent there and I would have to go onto benefits. I wouldn't even know where to start.

Right, I have put make up over my hideous puffy face and need to get a bus. Thank god for mumsnet! I will come back on again later. Thanks everyone

NotAlone - I know you don't like the thought of being on benefits, but it really is better for your son for you both to be safe and out of an abusive situation, no matter how skint you are, rather than having material things but living in this atmosphere.

You could ring Womens Aid tonight and see what they suggest

Move back to where your friends are. Contact the local authority and tell them you are a victim of domestic violence. They have a duty to house you. If you can find a job, you can then apply for working tax credit, child tax credit and may be eligible for some housing and council tax benefit.

Contact Women's Aid for further help. Just pack up the basics and go. You are having to hide your injured face and I would suspect that this isn't the first time he has hurt you.

not alone you wouldn't need to go on benefits - you'd get tax credit and help with childcare.. how old is DS? i work full time with three DCs as a single parent, yes it isn't easy and it isn't a bed of roses, but it has to be better than putting up with your dickwad OH. who do you work for? is there an office nearer your home town that you could transfer to? Do you have a lot more support down south? I still live over 500 miles away from my home town and didn't return when my ex left ( he said all the hurtful things as well about no man ever wanting me again, blah blah, well he was wrong!) Is theer any chance that he's having an affair - or at least doing some internet jiggery pokery given that he doesn't want you to go on the computer?

you don't have to go back onto benefits, you know - OK in the short term until you're sorted you prob will do but tbh, as a stop gap it will be ok.

if your P pays maintenance, and you can find a little PT job for 16 hours you'll still get help with HB, tax (ok mine's only 54p p/w but every little helps right?) CTC, CB, WTC as well, there's lots of help available to you, but until you know what you can't assume that you won't be able to afford to live there. Depending on your area also depends on how much rent the HB will pay for you - in private renting for example my council will pay up to £625 for a lone parent with one child. which will get you something nice in this area.

it works out with all of the extra help it's roughly a full time wage but only 16 hours. plus as it's a low income you can still get the NHS exemption card - ie free dental & eye care, not sure on prescriptions thou.

Poor you. I agree with the other on the tax credit. I couldnt believe how generous they were for me when I moved out. I had a fulltime job that didnt pay great and I couldnt have made it without the credits. Also, they paid 70% of my childcare bills. It was a godsend.

You must get away from that wretched man for the sake of your children if nothing else.

Let him go. You'll be stronger and happier without him.

What was he doing on the computer that he didn't want you to see

He sounds vile tbh and obv has no respect for you.

Would you be happier on your own do you think?

Nobody should have to put up with this crap, especially considering that you are clearly very hard working. and for you and little one. So sorry for you both.

how are things notalone? i work for jobcentreplus and also have a reasonable knowledge of the tax credits system. if you want to go through some figures just let me know do hope you're ok

Hello Again. Sorry I didn't come back to you kind ladies yesterday but I wasn't able to get any privacy on the pc.

Well I talked to DP yesterday and (as usual) we have a ceasefire for now. He said he was sorry for throwing the book in my face but is not sorry for what he said as "it was an argument and I shouldn't take what he says seriously in an argument as he doesn't mean it". I think that he wouldn't say such downright horrible things if he didn't mean them as they wouldn't even cross his mind if they didn't represent his real feelings.

I am just worn down to be honest and don't have the energy to do anything. I have said before that if my friends were up here, making that break would be a lot easier, plus I am scared as I have been with DP for 12 years since I was 18. DS adores his dad and would probably end up hating me if I took him away (as DP so often points out to me). I guess I have made my bed and need to lie in it, at least until I am strong enough to do something.

Thanks god for my lovely best friend. She was actually DP's friend first but without her I would have been even more of a wreck than I am now. She suggested pretty much what some of you have about going down the DV route and getting WTC, and she has been through it herself too so she knows how it feels. And of course thanks for all your lovely kind words. I know you are all probably thinking I am weak for not leaving but I had to keep it together today as I had a uni interview and did not want to ruin that, and I am scared of what will happen to us if I were to go. DP has already said he would go court for Ds and if I lose him then I really would feel as though I had nothing.

If you're leaving the man because he knocks you about, there's no way he'd get custody of the child, you do realise that?

No court in the world is going to give that DickFace (!!!!!!!!!!) custody when he is physically aggressive to you in front of your kids!! God that just made my blood boil! I bet that isnt the first time he's lobbed something your way. Stay strong and dont be worried. He wouldn't get your son!

notalone - it's your decision, all we can do is try and support you in whatever you choose to do. some people are able to leave abusive relationships quickly and some aren't - everyone is different - you certainly aren't weak to stay - it takes strength to go and strength to stay for a while to figure out what you want to do.

sometimes you do what you think is best for the children - and yourself - and they don't fully appreciate what you do at the time - that doesn't mean that you've done the 'wrong' thing, just that your child thinks it's the wrong thing! they're a child, you're the responsible person here! what i'm trying to say is your son won't end up hating you - you're his momma! if anything he'd appreciate a more settled environment where daddy dioesn't throw things at mum when he doesn't get his own way and the ability when he is older to form settled, appreciative loving relationships - unlike yours at the moment.

still interested whats on the computer that you're not allowed to see. I'd have a fish about when he's out.

It would only be my word against his though Annie and Miss Gelly so he would probably deny everything. DS adores his dad too. DP is the "fun one" who plays x box with him and chases him around the house with light sabres. I am boring mummy who makes him do his spellings and homework, ensures he eats his veg, cleans the house and cries a lot

Persephone - thanks so much for your words. I was so worried about being shot down for staying, even if I am unsure how long for. I have read a few posts on here from people saying they would walk if it happenned to them, but until you are in that persons shoes no-one really knows what they would do. Am still scared about the financial side too. DS has swimming lessons and goes to a drama group. I have also promised him a trip to London soon and a holiday (albeit only a cheap caravan holiday but he is soooo excited). I feel I will be disappointing him if he has to sacrifice any of this. Especially the swimming which is so important to me as well as him. Does anyone know if tax credits etc will take into account how much rent I will be paying if I do end up moving to where my friends are in a much more expensive area?

Oh, and the computer thing was deadly dull I'm afraid. He was defragging the computer and is very protective over the pc god forbid I break it or anything

Tax credit won't take it into account, but housing benefit deals with that side of it all, so somebody will take it into account!

You would have to be unusual, or pissed off to the point of no return, if you wanted to end your relationship. You're not the first woman to want to work at it. Most people have a line that, once crossed, there is no going back though. Mine was always finding out about an affair. For others it's 'if he ever hit me'. For the sake and safety of yourself and your children, make sure you know where your line is and stick by it. Although if he doesn't want to change, it could all be a big downward spiral for you all. I don't mean to be unkind. It's just impossibly hard if only one person wants to work at it, and the other won't work at all.

BTW so angry for you at the verbal abuse. You need to tell him that things said in anger are not just words, they are ABUSE and a very good ground for divorce. Arsewipe. (sorry!!)

Not alone - i don't want to make this about me, but i think you might find it useful?

My ex left me with three Dcs aged 6, 3 & 1. I continued working full time ( I hate my job! I'm on less that the average wage and am entitled to a tax credit) My Dcs all have an after school activity that they enjoy (ballet, tae kwon Do and as the older one is now a teenager an allowance instead) My ex doesn't pay regular maintenance (he's unemployed) but we go away once a year to visit family or to a very very cheap caravan or camping, the kids all get fairly decent xmas presents (hello ebay and a canny eye at boot fairs!) the children wear gap/next/m&S/decent high street (2 items for a quid at the local salvation army shop) I have a mortgage, hoping to move to a better area this year and am thinking of starting a pension plan.

My children are wonderful. yes they all adore their dad, they still see him when he's being sober. children are resilient. they're all doing very well at school, I'm almost embarrassed at parents evenings some times.

single parenthood doesn't necessarily mean financial purgatory and ill mannered children who hate you for leaving daddy. ye sits tough. it really is, but it has to be better than being treated like you are.

As i said - it's your decision. sometimes i think everyone going 'leave him leave him' makes people more determined to stay - particularly when he's wonderful in his happier moments. It's very difficult, i don't envy you at all.

I've only just read your post. I've been in your situation and stayed with a very angry man for 15 years. I changed from being feisty and full of ideas and dreams to someone who raised four kids, worked full time and kept the house running while trying to keep him on an even keel. I never knew what kind of mood he would be in when he came home and just remember the feeling of keeping my head down, and saying to myself 'just keep going, at least until the youngest is 16, then decide what to do'. I now realise as I became more used to his verbal abuse, I got used to thinking 'there's nothing more you can say to me that will hurt me anymore'. Parts of me shut down more and more and towards the end I was just a shell. I had no energy and kept crying, like you are. I ended up on anti depressants and eventually I completely broke down. I ended up leaving. I didn't mean to, I just had a really bad episode (one of many) in front of the kids, where I couldn't stop crying, and left to stay the night with a friend. I never went back. That was a year ago. I'm now living in rented accommodation and share custody of the kids.

What I'm saying to you, I understand the fear you have of leaving - you'll be out of your 'comfort zone' - and it takes time to work out what to do. But please don't leave it too late before the situation overtakes you. Try and plan now while you can.

Good luck. It will be ok, in the end.