Words of wisdom and a bloody good shake needed!!!

[aintnosaint]

in no particular order.

I'm not new here just a name change to protect the innocent. I don't really know where to start so I'll try with a bit of background info.

I found out H had been lying and cheating on me a few yrs ago, many ups and downs since then but gradually fell back into our daily routine and remained together after he swore it was me he loved, he ended it with OW and he pledged never to stray again. Lifes not great but it isn't totally crap either (ain't life the same for everyone?)

Anyway, after the fall out of everything that had gone on I realised things had to change, I didn't really have anyone to call at 2 in the morning crying into my glass of wine and looking for some support and a shoulder to lean on so I held it all inside and let it all out in private. Things have definately moved on since then and I hardly give it any thought at all anymore, I never check up on his whereabouts etc because I realised if anything was going to happen again there was bugger all I could do to stop it and would have to deal with it when/or if it ever did.

Well, since then I decided to stop being a SAHM and go out to work and meet new people (get a life I guess) I met some great people, made friends, met up for coffee and chats on days off and a couple of nights out (all women friends I hasten to add) There where a few guys that worked there but tbh I passed nothing more than a polite good morning or a quick return smile if neccessary.

Then one day a couple of yrs back I was walking into work it was raining the floor was wet, I slipped, went flying on my arse, bag and paperwork all over the place and this guy came running over, helped me up, helped me pick all my stuff up and asked me if I was ok. I was embarrassed, quickly grabbed my belongings, mumbled I was fine and dashed off to my desk. I tried to keep a low profile for the rest of the day cos I knew I'd have the pee taken out of me when word spread but unfortunatly not low enough!! The guy found me, he'd brought me a coffee he asked if I was ok again and I just burst out laughing, he was only being polite so what was I so worried about? We chatted for a few minutes then he went on his way.

OK, so it might sound like I'm a bit pathetic when it comes to the opposite sex but I guess I just wasn't used to having a guy show concern like that! I'm not some daft teenager, I'm a 40 something mum, I've been round the block a few times, surely I can handle this? Hmm, maybe not!

To say I'd never looked at another guy since me and H had married would be a lie, but I'd never looked at another guy since then in any other way than I would thinking I wouldn't mind waking up with George Clooney or some other sex god . More fantasies than real life thoughts. So what the hell went wrong and what was I thinking?

Days turned into weeks, weeks into months and we chatted more and more and got on like we'd know each other all our lives. I'd never had a male friend before and I really liked it. We talked about ourselves, families, loves, dreams etc. I knew he had a gf, he knew I was married with kids, there was nothing secretive or sinister about it all we just chatted, no flirting or inuendo's. he confiding in me after a few months that he and his gf where having problems and I went into counseller mode and tried to help with info I knew about for them to look at and decide if it would work for them. I never pried but was there if he ever wanted to chat about it. Almost 12 months after our first embarrasing meet and it hit me like a ton of bricks, I'd only gone and fell for him, I couldn't believe it, what the hell was wrong with me!!

From that day I knew I had to stop this, I started telling him I had tons of work to do whenever our paths crossed or he popped over for a chat, I felt awful, the look on his face made me feel like crap but I kept telling myself if I didn't put an end to it it would be much worse. I took days off and avoiding him the best I could and it hurt like hell!

After about 6 weeks of giving him the cold shoulder he eventually caught me on my way home one night and came right out and said it. "I think i've fallen in love with you and I think you feel the same way and thats why your avoiding me" I was dropped on, why didn't I see this, I could have kicked my self up and down the street I was so angry with myself. I didn't know what to say, so I just mumbled I can't talk about this right now and dashed off.

The day after was awful, we kept catching each other's eye and didn't know what to say. I had butterflies in my stomach but it hurt and I knew what we felt for each other was wrong. I told myself over and over again it's just a crush, it will pass, I have a H and DC, he has a gf. I knew his relationship was at breaking point and I didn't want to make it worse. After a few weeks of this I handed in my notice and left. I couldn't bare to see him every day with the feelings we had for each other.

It's been almost 2 yrs since I left work and I still think about him and have the same feelings for him. He's been in touch over that time, he's got my number from friends and texted me to ask how I am and tell me he still loves me and probably always will. He's split from his g/f then got back together and I think it's pretty much on and off now. I guess their relationship is pretty much the same as mine and H and most other couples, you just rub along together, try to work things out, fail then rub along together again. I just wish these feelings I have for him would go I didn't think it would hurt for this long. In my head I know theres no way I could be with this guy or if I was it wouldn't work, it would be no better or worse than I have now but my heart tells a different story

I'm a bit confused how your relationaship stands with your dh now...are you loving towards each other? or strangers that pass in the hall? In short, what is keeping you with him?

I think if was me - the first thing you need to do is to open up to your H and tell him how you feel. you already know what it is like to be cheated on and some would say this is an emotional affair. If your marriage is going to work you need to work through this together.

It is not wrong to fancy someone else and this could just be a huge crush that because you are 'not acting' on it makes it all the more special in your mind.

I really do feel for you though as i wonder now what i would do in a similar situation - i have been cheated on, and i am now getting my life back and going back to work too.

I think you owe it to yourself to decide if your marriage is worth saving or if you want to give your heart a chance.

Good luck

Thank you for your replies.

I've given your questions and comments some thought before replying but I'm not sure I've got any great answers.

We've been together many yrs have 4 DC together, financial commitments and I guess I feel I owe it to H to give him a 2nd chance to make amends for his actions. I can't say we're really loving togther, H will pay me a bit of attention if he fancies a bit of slap 'n' tickle shall we say but we do get on well together, we're more like friends or brother/sister, we have our arguments like anyone else but we also laugh together. I know things arn't great but I know they could be worse, he not a drinker, drug taker, fighter, off to some sports event at every opportunity and isn't abusive.

yes, he has his downfalls but I guess i've accepted these as the way he is and know he won't change now. To leave would feel selfish to me, this isn't just about me and what I want or think I want, he may not be the best H in the world but he loves his DC and they love him, what kind of a mum would I be to take that away for my own needs. I could never ever in a million yrs be physically unfaithful to H or intentionally hurt another woman, I know how it feels. but I totally understand the comment about this being an emotional affair and that makes me feel pretty crappy.

I've had no contact at all with this other guy for the past few months and I have no intention of doing so, I told him many times that people would be hurt by it whether anything physical was happening or not and had to stop all contact. I can't say it was an easy descision but I beleive the right one. It not an idea I relish, the thought of being with anyone other than my H fills me with dread, stretch marks, saggy boobs, and most definately not the body of a 20 yr old . I just couldn't go there.

I could try to talk about my feelings, needs, dreams etc till I'm blue in the face but I'd be banging my head against a brick wall, H just doesn't do chats of that nature, general chit chat maybe but if I started trying to get things off my chest he'd just tell me I was having a bad day and walk away.

I don't let my feelings for this other guy affect us, it's more like my own private fairytale or fantasy IYKWIM, I get on with what I have to do and plod on with life. I know H would be angry/upset if he knew what had happened but tbh it would just give him something to throw at me if I ever told him so I know it's better to just try to get over it and carry on like nothings happened.

No advice, but just wanted to say how I really respect that you've not been physical with this OM. There is such a sadness running through your story, and it is so romantic as well. Maybe you just count your blessings for being given a chance to feel these feelings again, and like you are already doing, move on.
If you would leave your husband anyway, then so be it, but you are so wise not to do this for another man. It sounds like you could find reasons to leave your OH if you wanted to, and the fact that you haven't is massively to your credit, although please make sure that he doesn't think he could get away with doing the same to you again by sticking your head in the sand about the possibility that he may be unfaithful again.

Thank you for your kinds words.

I couldn't partake in anything physical, it may be a nice daydream/fantasy etc but never in reality. I feel whats happened so far is bad enough. I do miss the other guy terribly I know being in contact again would be totally wrong and inappropriate.

Theres lots of reasons that I could think of to leave H but don't we all at times? If there where no DC to consider then yes, I would have walked away a long time ago.

I'm not sure if I'll ever trust H again, I've forgiven but it's not something you can ever forget but I don't think I'm in any position to judge now

I don't think I'll ever understand why he did it. I know he loves me but he struggles to show it so how he got involved with OW is beyond me? we've always been good friends, and before the OW we had a very active sex life, I was always around, maybe not a domestic goddess but everything got done and he wanted for nothing (so I thought) he said they where just friends and I can see now how things can start and go from bad to worse if you don't take hold of it and get out quickly.

I think .........

if you were going to do it you would have - the opportunity and the excuse/get out clause was in place too.....i think you like the 'fantasy' the dream of what this bloke might have offered if you TRULY felt your heart belonged to him you wouldnt be on here asking our thoughts.

I think you wnt your dh to aquire this blokes qulities so you have this bloke in your dhs body......understandably your hurt your dh had an affir but tht was the PAST draw line under it you took him back knowing this dont let that affair that clearly meant nothing cos he left her spoil your hppiness nd either work to save your marriage by loving your dh warts and all for YOURSELF not bcos hes the dcs dad or move on.

this man was a sign that you are attractive,desirable andgood to be with so you are more of a woman than your esteem let you feel.

take that as a compliment and let it warm your heart and give you a glow then use it to fall in love be it with your dh or not.

I agree with windy, and also, have been in your situation myself almost exactly.
Thinking about wot you said:
I don't let my feelings for this other guy affect us, it's more like my own private fairytale or fantasy IYKWIM, I get on with what I have to do and plod on with life. I know H would be angry/upset if he knew what had happened but tbh it would just give him something to throw at me if I ever told him so I know it's better to just try to get over it and carry on like nothings happened.

I don't think it's possible not to let your feelings for this other guy affect 'us' - When you are feeling like you are about someone else, it is the equivalent of looking at your partner through 'poo coloured spectacles' for want of a better expression! This other guy is a physical barrier to you putting the past behind you and working at having more than a 'just rubbing along' relationship with your dh. I know I've been there, and tried to kid myself too. Down the line a bit, I can't beleive that I could have been so convinced of this other guys 'rightness' or my dh's faultyness (iyswim) whereas now, now I have put him completely out of my mind, heart, life and focused on my family and my dh ~ really working at making things good again, I see it for what it was, something to make me feel good and to excuse my own lack of desire to make much of an effort.

Don't be offended I'm not saying all of that necessarily applies to you, I'm just saying that when I was so caught up with my feelings for this guy, it was almost impossible to be this brutally honest with myself, and I kinda wished I'd been able to see at least some of my own situation reflected in someone elses.