He doesn’t want another baby

[herewegogogox]

Background met my DH 10 years ago he has 2 daughters, he was very clear when we got together that we would only have 1 child together, at the time we had his girls x4 a week so understandably a very hands on dad.

fast forward to now & over the last few years the girls have stopped sleeping & come only once a week or less, they’re older & have their own lives.

our daughter is 8, she is extremely extroverted & full on wants constant attention… cries every time her siblings go … always has & its hard for her to adjust from having to siblings to basically not.

ive always thought she would have benefited from a “full time” sibling & i was only 24 when i had her & had to accept that would be my only pregnancy. I know siblings dont equal besties & i know a big age difference now would not equal a play buddy.

anyway, january i said to my DH what do you think about another baby? He shot it down totally against it, i was sad but accepted & moved on. I still find sibling photos on social media extremely triggering.

anyway, 2 days ago he asked me what i would think about another baby, & that he had been thinking & thought it might be a good idea…. I was over the moon, started looking at maternity leave pay, childcare etc…. Then it all came crashing down again, told me this morning he had given it some thought & it’s not what he really wants…

i feel a bit angry if I’m honest, that I had to accept this, get over it for good in January & he has resurfaced it just to get my hopes up & let me down, I would never guilt him into having a child so i hid my tears & told him I accept it but now I’m out crying in the car.. i wish he had never brought it up again.

how do i move forward?

It must have been very hurtful for you to get your hopes up and have them let down, particularly on this topic. I know firsthand how it feels to crave a baby and it manages to infiltrate everything. However, I would bear in mind that he is very unlikely to know how you’re feeling (even if you have voiced it) because men and particularly men who don’t actively want another child, don’t know what that feeling is like. So I would say try not to think of this as something he has done intentionally to hurt you or with any realisation of the hurt it would cause.

As to getting over it, if you are absolutely sure that you want to stay with your current partner (and it sounds like he’s been upfront about this particular issue save for the little blip) then, regarding your concerns about the loneliness of your DD, perhaps you could try seeing if you could have his children more often? Or arrange things with nieces, nephews and friends with kids or your DD’s friends more often to make sure she has playmates and doesn’t miss company.

Regarding your emotions and the grief you may feel over accepting you’ll have no more children, that’s much harder. Just concentrate on how lucky you are to have your DD at all, perhaps plan on things you’d like to do when she’s all grown up since you’ll still be so young and focus on the life you’ll have later on. Try not to romanticise about those early years with rose tinted glasses - the sleepless nights and crying and teething and constant attention are real.

Most importantly, let yourself grieve, you’re not being silly it’s perfectly natural. A little self care and patience with yourself will help!

Background met my DH 10 years ago he has 2 daughters, he was very clear when we got together that we would only have 1 child together

To his credit, he was honest with you from the start.

It also sounds like (to his credit) knowing how important it was to you, he decided to give it some serious consideration.

He did only say it "might" be a good idea not that he was 100% up for it. But, on further consideration, he's realised it's really not what he wants.

He's done nothing wrong at any stage of this.

That means you are now in a position to make an informed choice as to what you want next. Staying with him and having your one child together with her having, what sounds like, close step siblings. Or leaving him and taking a chance on meeting someone else to start a family with. Or not.

You will get people telling you he's a dick for not giving you a second child but he's actually been really responsible. And probably didn't expect you to spend 2 days looking up maternity pay and childcare before a definite decision had been made! He was just keeping you in the loop regarding his thought process.

I agree with @GreyCarpet.

It sounds like you really do want more DC OP if you immediately starting researching childcare.

Your DH won’t fully understand what he just did but I think it was fairly cruel. You need to be honest and tell him you realise after what he said that you do want more DC and you are not sure you can bite it down again this time. That you would like DD to have siblings.

See what he says.

If he still says no then you need to think about your options. And these might include breaking up. With all the consequences that will bring. So I would take some time away to do that thinking.

Good luck 💐