Hi everyone,
**Firstly I'll just advise this will likely be a very long thread (so I apologise in advance!!) I've been a long time reader of various topics on here but never actually post due to fear of being shot down by the joys that are such forums, however I've decided to bite the bullet as I really do need to get out some of what I'm struggling with and I'm hoping a bit of kind (hopefully) advice from lovely people on here may help?
Basically like many others I'm at a complete cross roads in life and just can't seem to get out of it and no idea what to do or where to start - I just feel like I'm on a constant cycle I can't escape - yet want to desperately.
I've been in a relationship with my partner for just over 3.5 years and its been difficult to say the least. Like most couples there has been good and bad times, however for a while now I seem to just get angry and frustrated at everything he does and to be honest I feel awful admitting this but I don't know if I love him. Before I get shot down, I have been very open with him about this and we have talked about issues for the past year or so, more and more recently in fact. To be honest I don't actually remember the last weekend we didn't actually fall out at some point!
There is so much I could write about and say but I'm aware that would make this post longer than anyone would read and certain things just maybe are not needed. I just always feel like I need to give enough background to explain the situation and to help people relate (noticed from some threads a lack of info isn't great), however I don't want to bore people either!
I feel like I'm this horrible person who can't see what I have in front of me, however I do try yet still feel empty a lot of the time. We do live together (very stupidly we moved in together far too soon and even more stupidly we ended up buying together - I've admitted this was a huge mistake before I get shot down, so please don't be rude about this!!) It was simply down to circumstances at the time - he worked away and had accommodation covered via the army, however he ended up staying at mine every weekend so when his job changed he ended up moving in. To add to that this was in covid (in between lockdowns) and whilst still in covid a few months later, the landlady of the house I was in, decided to sell - leaving me in a nightmare situation! I couldn't afford rent anywhere, but didn't have a deposit to buy alone, house prices were ridiculous etc.
The only option we could see was buying my house of the landlady - which we did. I negotiated a good deal as had rented it for the past 4 years, so managed to buy it at the lower end of the valuations and less than if it had gone to the open market. We now potentially have a good equity in the property and haven't made have the improvements that are needed yet as just can't afford it.
My partner does pay half towards the bills, which I am thankful for as I simply don't earn enough to cover everything on my own and yes I do work full time, however NHS pay isn't great tbh!
He absolutely adores me and loves me to pieces and says he will do anything for me, but yet why can't I feel it? I feel like a horrible person!
I genuinely don't know whether we are just not a good match or there is something wrong with me! I do suffer anxiety and depression (clinical diagnosis) and have on and off for years, however it has certainly got worse the past couple of years! I was in fact signed off work for a few months last year due to my mental health and that in itself has had a huge knock on effect to me socially that I'm now also really feeling and struggling with. I'm currently having some extended CBT (hard tbh, but my therapist is trying his best to help me as I have a lot of past trauma), have recently referred myself for some sessions of talking therapy again via occupational health (few weeks waiting list) and have medication - so I'm trying my best to get better but its a very hard and long road, which I feel I'm constantly taking one step forwards and 10 back on.
I want to be a much better, kinder, nicer person as feel like I'm going to turn into a bitter old woman if I carry on and certainly don't want that - plus I want to be the best mum and example for my 13 year old daughter!
I'm stuck in a job that doesn't pay enough, that I'm really not enjoying however I can't afford to quit nor can I afford or have the time to focus on retraining/starting building a business which I've always wanted to do tbh.
Just as a bit of background, I was a single mum for 8 years - split from my ex-husband due to his gambling (we had been together 10 years and he did it a couple of times), but I had to put myself and daughter first. I lost my dad when I was 9 years old (grieving more now I think that I did then!) and sadly my mum I was never close to, which got worse when she had 2 lots of agressive/violent partners (so ex-step dads to me!). I've never had much support, sadly no matter how much I try or want a closer family it's completely dysfunctional and I rarely see my nieces and nephews unless I make the effort to see them!
I've lived on my own since I was 16.5 and am very independent, however I long to be loved and have a relatively 'normal' family (yes I know nothing is perfect!), but some support, family get togethers, shared memories etc, etc. I've always worked but sadly never had the opportunity or courage/support to go for what I want as a career, so now I'm feeling totally stuck.
I had got us out of some debt my ex-husband left us in over years and just about kept my head above water, whilst also trying to give my daughter the best life I could with the odd little adventure and ensuring I wet without if it meant she can do her clubs etc and I still do this.
However I hate admitting it, but again I find myself in quite a bit of credit card debt, from simply trying to just give my daughter a couple of holidays and trying to have a bit of a life I'd like, especially once I was no longer a single mum (I guess sadly trying to match the lives of friends/other couples). I had been doing overtime to try and cut this down (equivalent to part time hours on top of my full time job and making sure my daughter was where she needed to be), however after developing chest infection/pneumonia this was taken off me and now I'm stuck and struggling an can't find a way to warn that extra money I need to clear some debt.
And here in lies the problem, I'm trying to work out if my issues in my relationship are my fault or just a fact we aren't meant to be - I won't go into much detail now as aware this thread is already very long and that could be a different thread I guess!?
I'll try and overview - he is a good man, loves me, fancies the pants off me - however he has no control over constantly wanting intimacy and I feel guilty for not feeling the same, I've often given in to prevent him sulking and this has caused no end of arguments. I've tried to explain there is more to intimacy for me that just physical, but he can't see it. He can't give a massage without losing control or recently even trying to cuddle sets him off - I know I should be grateful but he's relentless and I've been warning him it's pushing me away but he just says he can't control himself around me, so basically it's my fault!?
We don't seem to have similar interests (to be honest I don't get much time for me - all I've ever known is mum mode from an earlier age being the eldest child, one of the things I'm trying to work on is who I am, what I want but that's scary and often I can't afford anything anyway!), when we have had date nights we often talk about the kids or work (mainly his work tbh!).
He has 3 kids (2 biologically his, that we see, the eldest he has started to see but I don't know well) - however they still feel like strangers after all this time and their mum didn't help the situation as she tried turning them against me from the off yet had no reason to do so. I have a very active girl and have always encouraged her to be that way, yet his boys are typical teen/pre-teen boys that spend most of their time slouched around with a screen in their face. They don't try and engage and I've tried so many things that haven't worked I've now given up as nothing is enjoyable - I feel I've lost the sense of fun myself and daughter used to have. As she's growing up, it's obviously harder to entertain her as park trips etc are not always the same now, but even nice walks are hard with the boys - plus they always fight (eating out is a nightmare and I've tried to help with table manners but it's just ignored). All this is breaking me as I'm still longing for a family unit to have fun times with (I always wanted more than one child and as I'm now 41, I feel I've lost that chance sadly). I think a lot of what attracted me to my partner was the promise of family life, being supported and settled that I had longed for and I stupidly rushed into this without realising the differences we have. His ex, always made things difficult as she didn't want him but didn't want anyone else to have him - we broke up after a few months on our first xmas due to her pulling him back for the kids - I gave him a 2nd chance as felt he did what he did from a good place and for his kids).
My partner is a good looking guy, sometimes I look at him and find him attractive but this is few and far between and I feel bad for this, I feel like i should feel how he does towards me and I'd love to feel that way, I don't think I ever actually have towards a partner tbh and this makes me feel sad. I'm starting to wonder if I'm too broken and unable to feel that or if I've just not found it yet.
I feel i'm getting resentful in every aspect of my life and I think that's adding to frustration.
I want to feel loved (even though I'm told I am), I'd love to have a support group - sadly I've distanced myself from friends as I'd been pushed out and this was bringing up anxieties of not being good enough - again deep routed self-esteem issues I'm trying to work on! I'd love to know what 'being in love' feels like, to have a bigger and loving family unit (I know myself and daughter are one & I'm thankful for this and lucky I have her, but hopefully you know what I mean). To have friends who I can have girly nights out and trips with, celebrate birthdays with etc - my 40th was none really. To have a job I feel happy with that at least pays enough to stop everything being a struggle - I've never not known this and I'm exhausted with it' and to just be a happier and kinder person, like I used to be. Life certainly of having a way of making this hard at times.
I think I'm more outgoing that I realise and have suppressed it, my hairdresser said I'm clearly outgoing and friendly, I'll always smile and I've mastered putting on a face when I feel so different inside (think that's why I'm now struggling so much and it's coming to bite me on the butt!)
As a final overview, from writing all this, I feel like the answer is obvious - just go after what I want but lets face it life isn't always that simple. We are currently sleeping in separate rooms as he can't control himself around me but I said we needed space, he has no where to go and can't afford to move out and I can't afford the house on my own. Rents are just as bad and I couldn't afford to buy anywhere else on my own currently.
I'd love to be able to clear my debts so I could potentially buy him out (we have discussed all this by the way, I'm not trying to be a sneaky woman). One of my happy places (and what I've love to do for work) is being able to do DIY/home improvements so the thought of selling and being back to renting scares me. However trying to live together and give each other space doesn't seem to be working either.
I've no-one to really talk to, hence this post I guess. I know no-one can tell me what to do but I guess I'm hoping that a few kind words of advice or experience from others who may have been in similar situations may be helpful x
I'm not even sure what if anything I expect from this ridiculously long post (if you have read all of this, honestly thank you soo much I really do appreciate it!). Like I said I'm actually scared of putting all of this out there - I've thought about blogging over the years, but I'm not sure as scared of being judged as had that a lot like many people over the years!). so please be kind. 🙏💓 X