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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Boyfriend separated

20 replies

Vintagegirl12 · 30/06/2024 08:07

I have been dating since January, so early days. My boyfriend is separated which is fine as he told me from the beginning. However I have just found out that he uses all his holiday allowance to stay in his old marital home where his wife lives alone with their,dogs and one grown up son. Whilst he’s there he gets jobs done. But then he tells me they are getting a puppy together and sends me a photo. In the photo is his wife’s finger wearing her wedding and engagement ring. When I questioned this, he didn’t deny it, just said it was complicated! He just won’t talk about the situation, I am beginning to think he is leading a double life. He didn’t deny or confirm this either

He expects me to be happy that he’s only in his ex marital home 35 days of the year. Just wondering when we could go on holiday, never springs to mind. He expects me to be kept a secret, but if he was truly separated he should be able to tell his wife and grown up sons. I can’t even meet his brother!

i just feel I can’t carry on like this.

OP posts:
Sharptonguedwoman · 30/06/2024 08:10

Wrap your dignity around you and leave him.

jubs15 · 30/06/2024 08:27

Do you know for sure that your boyfriend isn't just still living with his wife? If he feels some kind of obligation to do 'jobs' for her, then why can't he just do them on the weekend like everyone else does? Who uses their annual leave to do jobs for their estranged wife?!

His wife is still wearing her rings, your boyfriend still sleeps in the same house as her, conveniently he has no annual leave he can spend with you because he spends it all with her and to top it off, nobody knows you exist. Your boyfriend is a married man who wants to have his cake and eat it. On that basis, it would seem he sees you as his mistress. Do you not feel you deserve better than all this?

Moomum123 · 30/06/2024 08:27

I’m so sorry, he’s not separated, he’s living his best life with both you and his wife to stroke his ego. There are loads of decent men out there, he is not one of them, get rid of this poor specimen and find a man who’s into you 100%.

heinzseight · 30/06/2024 08:30

Boyfriend separated?

Don't think he is I'm afraid.

DracoDormiensNumquamTittilandum · 30/06/2024 08:32

Well don't carry on like that then. He's taking the piss. Getting a puppy together? FFS

Arlanymor · 30/06/2024 08:34
  1. He spends all of his holiday there (and sleeps overnight presumably) - they are not separated
  2. They are getting a dog together - they are not separated
  3. His wife still wears all of her marriage jewellery - either they are not separated or SHE doesn’t believe that they are separated
  4. He won’t confirm or deny that he is leading a double life - he is leading a double life, they are not separated
  5. He won’t let you meet ANY of his family - they are not separated

Does it help to see it written down, he is gaslighting either one or both of you. He is NOT separated. He is having his cake and eating it, and hurting you. Please leave for your own wellbeing and sanity. The evidence is undeniable.

Baconking · 30/06/2024 08:35

You're seeing a married man.

ZekeZeke · 30/06/2024 08:35

He is married, not separated!

wombpaloumbpa · 30/06/2024 08:36

Oh love. They're not separated.

He's 100% still with her and he sent you that photo as a gentle way to let you know the truth because he's not got the balls to directly tell you.

I'm sorry. There is a partner out there for you who won't cause you this stress and embarrassment. Move forward.

I was once in a very similar situation! It happens

alwayslearning789 · 30/06/2024 08:39

Vintagegirl12 · 30/06/2024 08:07

I have been dating since January, so early days. My boyfriend is separated which is fine as he told me from the beginning. However I have just found out that he uses all his holiday allowance to stay in his old marital home where his wife lives alone with their,dogs and one grown up son. Whilst he’s there he gets jobs done. But then he tells me they are getting a puppy together and sends me a photo. In the photo is his wife’s finger wearing her wedding and engagement ring. When I questioned this, he didn’t deny it, just said it was complicated! He just won’t talk about the situation, I am beginning to think he is leading a double life. He didn’t deny or confirm this either

He expects me to be happy that he’s only in his ex marital home 35 days of the year. Just wondering when we could go on holiday, never springs to mind. He expects me to be kept a secret, but if he was truly separated he should be able to tell his wife and grown up sons. I can’t even meet his brother!

i just feel I can’t carry on like this.

Honestly?... In the kindest possible way I will say:

Get the heck out of there for your own sake!

Please look after Yourself - this is a Dead, Dead, Dead End.

alwayslearning789 · 30/06/2024 08:42

...."But then he tells me they are getting a puppy together and sends me a photo. In the photo is his wife’s finger wearing her wedding and engagement ring. When I questioned this, he didn’t deny it, just said it was complicated!...."

Don't accept to be disrespected like this.

Idontjetwashthefucker · 30/06/2024 08:44

Oh come on! This cannot be serious, nobody can be this dense/gullible/stupid

Original poster
Vintagegirl12 · 30/06/2024 08:54

I have only just found out about the puppy and ring. Believe me he’s going to be history.

OP posts:
Original poster
Vintagegirl12 · 30/06/2024 08:56

This does help and I am grateful, just needed to know I was doing the right thing. It’s can be hard when they are so confident and he has a way of making out he is 100% honest.

OP posts:
Original poster
Vintagegirl12 · 30/06/2024 08:58

I think so too, he’s history.

OP posts:
Arlanymor · 30/06/2024 09:04

Vintagegirl12 · 30/06/2024 08:56

This does help and I am grateful, just needed to know I was doing the right thing. It’s can be hard when they are so confident and he has a way of making out he is 100% honest.

You are doing the right thing, I think he has been taking you for a ride, get rid of him and then onwards and upwards.

Edingril · 30/06/2024 09:05

Just because someone tells you something does not make it true

Opentooffers · 30/06/2024 09:15

Keep away from separated men, it's an extra complication that you don't need. Especially one keeping you a secret, it's a sure sign that there is more to it.

Original poster
Vintagegirl12 · 30/06/2024 11:05

Sometimes it’s better to write things down and then it makes sense. This has really helped and he is history and I am going to move on. I am actually an intelligent woman and I shall not mope any longer, Thank you

OP posts:
SamW98 · 30/06/2024 11:08

Opentooffers · 30/06/2024 09:15

Keep away from separated men, it's an extra complication that you don't need. Especially one keeping you a secret, it's a sure sign that there is more to it.

💯- far too many stories where you’re nothing more than a rebound

OP you know what to do here. Delete and block and let his wife deal with him.

In future I’d advise steering clear of men who haven’t had a decent time on their own first.

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