Should I divorce?

[frankieandbean]

Whilst I know that legal advice is the way forward I wanted to see if anyone can offer similar experiences as I’m very scared of the process and outcome. Background is marriage of 13 years, H has substance abuse issues, gambles and DV (emotional) tendencies. We’ve had a trial separation but that resulted in him moving back after emotionally blackmailing me in all honesty. 3 DCs, the youngest a result of many promises to turn life around and I’m sorry to say I accepted. Of course I don’t regret my youngest, in fact they gave me the strength to push for a split. First house was purchased with solely my money but it was bought in both of our names. When sold,I duly gave H a share of the money and used the rest to purchase current house in my name only.
I earn more, always have. But I have always been the main caregiver to the children too, paid for childcare etc and always had the flexibility for school drop off and pick ups etc. I drive, he doesn’t. I do all the clubs etc anything anywhere we want to go as a family.
he tells me my life won’t be worth living if I divorce him, he will take half of everything and no one will be happier. No one will want me etc etc( not that I want anyone else, just peace). If I find the courage to do this, should I be standing my ground and not offering him anything? Should I be concerned about him taking half of my house etc? My pension? My long term happiness? He’s always been a “good “ dad but there is always a niggle to me saying that he can’t possibly be a good dad when he’s treated me so badly over the years. Thanks for reading and any experiences welcomed please 🙏

He will get a chunk, but it might not be half, only a lawyer can advise on that. I went through similar and in the end I decided it was worth paying for peace and to get rid (much higher income, abuse from him, cheating from him, he was entitled to half of everything despite paying for nothing…) I am still financially compromised but it was worth it.

I think there are two issues, really, and it would be wise to separate them out.

the first is whether you should divorce in terms of the state of the marriage. Is the marriage salvageable and will you be safer and better off mentally if you are on your own? (Including emotional harms here). The answer seems to be - you have tried to turn the marriage around, it is not salvageable and you would be happier on your own. The answer here is then, yes, you should divorce and you can legally do this these days.

the second issue is how the divorce will affect you financially. The truth is that divorce will clobber you financially as you need to pay legal costs and then assets (and any debts) will be split in some way as that is how financial separation works. My legal costs were enormous due to having to go to court, so the more you can sort without that the better. I am still paying the cost several years later.

The question is whether then weighing up the benefits with the cost. I thought peace and quiet for me and the DC was worth the cost, and I still do think that. But I am definitely much poorer than I would have been, both in terms of assets and in terms of the impact on my career from being a single parent and the time/stress of the divorce.

It feels like such an unfair situation, I appreciate your replies. I feel like living in an unhappy relationship is the alternative but I feel such guilt for my DCs. We do not have any joint debts, he has many with a very poor credit history, I have only a very small mortgage. So I would need to get into debt to solve this for our future!

I would take some legal advice and then you have more information to work out what best to do.
Usually, it is a process of negotiation to work out how both parties and DC are provided for. So, the sooner you take advice, the better you are prepared.
One way to look at it is that the more solvent you are, the more able you are to leave. But there will be costs to leaving if you are the more solvent party and a lawyer can help you identify how and where these can be minimised.

Go!

It will only get worse. The longer you delay the bigger the financial hit, and the more he will have damaged your own finances.

"Whilst I know that legal advice is the way forward I wanted to see if anyone can offer similar experiences as I’m very scared of the process and outcome. Background is marriage of 13 years, H has substance abuse issues, gambles and DV (emotional) tendencies."

How much of the above is documented in a paper trail?.

I would suggest you obtain legal advice from one or two firms of Solicitors local to you and start the divorce process. His substance abuse, gambling and DV are all far more bloody scary frankly and what he will also go on to teach them about relationships will damage them as well as you further. Like many such abusers he's making the usual sorts of threats about 50/50 but he's a lot of hot air. This is who he really is and he will remain abusive to you post divorce. Get support too from Womens Aid too; they can and will help.

Staying for the sake of the children does not and certainly will not work here; it will harm you all a lot more and those effects on them will last into their adulthoods. And please rid yourself completely of this notion that he is a "good" dad (as you wrote). Good dads do not ever abuse the mother of their children and besides which too women in poor relationships often write such comment when they can think of nothing else positive to write about their man.

Forget about what is fair and how you have got to now.

Aim for a peaceful life. This will cost you money - but it’s only money. You can get more money in future. And you will, because you are hard working and clever. And you won’t have to share that future money with this awful man.

I had to let go of the resentment that I have done everything right for my family and my ex did everything wrong.

Separation and divorce from someone like this is long and slow and tough. But life on the other side is eventually amazing. I promise because I’m there!

I have sought advice and almost been strong enough to go through with it many times. I’m just fearful of the future and the result of his actions. A previous solicitor wrote a letter to him advising him to leave or we would seek an order but I didn’t have the courage to permit her to send it or take it any further. I have lots of examples written, texts etc of the unacceptable behaviour and nasty actions.
I gave him £ this year, enough to put a deposit on a house or pay rent for a year but that’s all gone. In 4 months!
I’ve just got to finally do it and reading others experiences really does help. Thanks everyone for their comments.

Thank you!

Do not be fearful of the future; you will be free of his malign presence in your day to day lives.

Do not enable him particularly by giving him more money (that money could have been spent too on your children and you); it goes without saying he blew the lot and readily too because he is an addict. I knew what happened to those funds you gave him before I got to the end of that sentence.

Be brave and take that first, often the most hardest of steps out, on your own. You need a Solicitor too well versed in the ways of such men because he can and will continue to mess you about. Going forward I would also advise you to enrol yourself onto the Freedom Programme and seek counselling re your own enabling behaviours.

Just do it. You and your children will be happier for it. There will no doubt be a financial hit, but he's already draining your resources, so at least this way you'll be "one and done". The sooner you do it, the sooner you can rebuild. He's also not a good father. A good father does not treat their children's mother the way he treat you. You can do this, the courage and strength are there.

Bloody hell OP, he is an albatross around your neck.
Get good legal advice, fight to hold on to what is YOURS and get rid of this nasty, vile, loser.
You deserve better.

Contact the police on 101 if he threatens self harm.
Losers like him do that to try and maintain control.

In the short-term stop giving him chunks of money for 'rent' or whatever.

It doesn't matter whether his name is on deeds or not, you are married so he is entitled to a share but if the children are staying with you this is unlikely to be 50/50 split.