Would you try again?

[E1997]

Looking for advice on how to handle a situation. Me and my now ex partner split up a week ago (he did the dumping). We started dating 18 months ago, I always felt like I wanted children and he didn’t (I never really assumed people don’t have children as it’s what we are “told”). He has had a very traumatic life and never unpacked any of it professionally. He is 29 and I’m 27 in August. We live together and love eachother very much.

We got to a point in the relationship where he said he would have children in a few years time when we had upgraded our house, and he wanted to be in a financial position that I didn’t have to go back to work.

We are the kind of couple that when on holiday random people walk up to us and say “you’re our favourite couple here” or “wow you guys look so in love”. If I meet his friends they will say “he doesn’t stop talking about you” and “he’s so lucky to have you”. It feels like one of those “once in a life connections”.

He is the most wonderful, caring, loving partner and family man. And funnily enough he is amazing with children and actually gravitates towards them!

Fast forward 16 months and I found out I was pregnant unplanned. I didn’t know how to feel but my partner made it clear it wasn’t what he wanted at this time but he would support me either way, although it may negatively impact our relationship. We decided on a termination and he promised to pick up the pieces. The next few weeks were very difficult but we went on an amazing holiday and we felt so in love and relieved to be back to normal.

The day we got home he ended the relationship. He felt like he was depriving me and although he would of been happy continuing, he didn’t want me to resent him if his feelings on children never changed (equally he didn’t want to have children just to make me happy as this isn’t fair). He said he has never felt love like this and is not sure he will again in his life, I feel the same. I am upset as he never asked how I felt about a life without children. Currently I would rather be with him with no children than the wrong person with children but he feels I’m “just saying that”.

I have essentially said please give me a few months for my hormones and emotions to settle, if I still feel the same will he answer my call when I ring and he has said yes.

He knows I have a biological clock and feels he’s done me a favour. He has mentioned that if I hadn’t got pregnant, and we had gone with the “plan” in a few years, he does feel like he would have still loved the child and been a good dad.

What would you do? I cannot envisage life without him, but I can envisage life with him with no children, despite it going against how I’ve always felt. When confronted with two paths, I feel I know which one I’d rather take. Has this ever worked for any of you?

Seen the same happen with two friends. They stayed with the men until they split and both chaps went on to have kids with the next partner. Galling for both friends to say the least - both still childless and one incredibly bitter about it.

Find someone who you can have a baby with, don’t let this man bait you. A termination is painful, I would sort my head and heart out and look for a better match.

Did they envisage a life without children at all or did they always say they wanted it and there feelings haven’t changed? I guess that’s where my difficulty is, I can actually see us together with no children happier than me finding someone else and having children…I hope they heal ❤️‍🩹

You say "currently" you'd rather be with him than have children - and that is exactly the issue. If kids were always part of your life plan, then I think he's right. You will resent him long term, and you haven't been together that long so may not be together in a decades time. But your fertility will be gone.

With respect OP you are 27, you’re still incredibly young and have SO much life ahead of you.

In your position I would draw a line, give myself some time to heal and focus on enjoying my life, building my career etc.

Your ex sounds like he needs some therapy and to work through his issues. It would be better for him to do that out of a relationship.

Things might work out for you both in the future but statistically it’s unlikely. Although it hurts you’d be better to focus on yourself and not give up your idea of a family one day, you may feel like youd rather have him than a child now but in my experience a lot of my friends were “take or leave kids” in their 20s, fast forward to 35-40 and the clock is exploding.

no one can guarantee how they’ll feel but if there’s a big part of you that sees a child in your future, I think that need will only increase

No I wouldn't. Because I did and it was a huge mistake. Ten years later be left me for a woman with three children and they had another together within a year.

If I hadn't met DH when I did and I had my children very late, I would have hated his guts for doing that to me.

You said you never assumed people didn’t have children. I knew as a child that I didn’t want children and never assumed or envisioned a life with them. People I speak to who chose to be childfree often feel the same, they know from a young age they don’t have the maternal gene.

You want children and should find a partner who can give you more than a maybe.

Yeah I understand. I guess it’s just interesting to me as he definitely has a “paternal” gene and side, he says himself he would be a great dad, he love kids etc. he can’t explain the “why” which is fine, there doesn’t always have to be a reason, but I feel like for him it’s more childhood trauma than going against an instinctive feeling.

Men can be great around other peoples' children and still be bad with their own. You can give friends' children and nieces and nephews back, but your own are there 24/7 and plenty of men who to play with kids really don't want the work and responsibility of them.

You're only 27, OP. You have time. Move on and find a man who really WANTS children.

I love kids. Everybody thought I’d be a great mum and they all thought I’d change my mind. Being good with kids doesn’t mean you want your own.

I'm afraid I've seen the same as @Coldfinch - men who said they definitely didn't want children but then later split over that or other reasons and went on to have them quickly with other women. All you know for sure is a) he doesn't want them with you and b) you probably do want them in the future. Focus on yourself. You will find love again.

Thank you- I think actually he just won’t be having kids at all, he’ll likely get a vasectomy and now he’s said he’s 99% sure unless it’s a freak accident he won’t have a child. Just rubbish when two people actually love each others. No ones done anything wrong or hurt each other… I guess time to focus on myself.