If a person does this to you...fundamentally they are not good person are they

[Theneverendingcycle]

If you love someone enough to plan a real future with them and wanted to marry them or so you say....then you work through shit, you discuss shit and if you really love someone you work through it and knuckle down right? you don't a few days after an issue message your ex and start promising them the world and start sleeping with them....Regardless of how much your heads fallen off or your upset of the situation because if you love someone you literally couldn't go near anyone else like that...
Especially if the person (me) who made the mistake..not major not break up worthy is trying to resolve it and vowes to put whatever effort needed to find a solution and move forward....

My ex did this just went off to his ex and future faked her with lies to get sex from her. He unblocked and reblocked me multiple times in the 6 months I was pleading for us to fix us and move through it....while sleeping with her and promising her the world (I didn't know this at the time) and when he got caught out he said "I told her what she wanted to hear so I could get what I wanted from her"

Fundamentally no good person would or could do this right?

I'm so low and struggling with all this...sorry

Lying to get sex is really shitty, you are right.

He's a wrong 'un. Bin him off and do better. Sorry, he's just not worthy of you.
💐

He is not ready to settle down, when he is ready with whoever, he will do so. Also, I see a lot about future faking, a future starts with something concrete like an engagement, until then it’s just words.

I agree with @IncompleteSenten that lying to obtain sex is never good behaviour, but the rest of what you say sounds much more of a grey area. You made some form of 'mistake' that you say you were desperate to atone for, to fix, to push ahead to make a future with -- but it's not clear where your partner was in this, and whether he was on the same page about wanting to work things out. Had you in fact split up as far as he was concerned?

Ok so you made a boo-boo and he used that as an excuse to go have sex with the ex - which required him to lie and manipulate her in order to get the ex to have sex - and now you are begging him to come back?

Sorry, I wasn't very clear. It's clear he behaved badly to the ex he lied to to get sex from, but it's less clear whether he behaved badly to you, because you don't say what the circumstances were -- was he also lying to you about having a future together? Were you still living together? Were you sleeping with him too without knowing he was also sleeping with someone else?

If your mistake was that minor are you sure he didn’t just use it as an excuse to end things with you to have sex with her and whoever else he was seeing?

Regardless of what he fundamentally is, it sounds like you would be better off in a relationship with someone else.

None of this is healthy or good, no. A relationship cannot come back from it. There is no future to such a difficult, exhausting mess.

You should both try to find someone you don’t have so many problems with you have to “work through things”. Someone you’re compatible with and enjoy being with.

And you should find someone who doesn’t lie to manipulate someone else into sex.

@NeutralIsland broke up due to him over stepping my trust boundary with his female friend multiple times, told him how it made me feel, he carried on doing it eventually I had enough after seeing a facetime convo at 1am between them I reacted badly to it but not break up worthy my reaction wasnt his behaviour deffo was break up worthy but I wanted to fix it and discuss it together properly and move past it maybe I felt insecure I also had alot going on major stuff at the time and was suffering from major depression.
We split in July 23 but we had a plan to move in together the following Jan 24 kids involved mine and his ds family unit together majorityof the time. I did not see him for 5 months until Dec early on when he unblocked me after seeing a pic of me going out with a friend somehow we rekindled from then, he asked me if I'd been with anyone else I laughed and said no I've been heartbroken asked him the same he said he had been too heartbroken and no he hadn't slept with anyone else - asked due to not wanting a sti etc.... 2 weeks later while we are rekindling talking everything through and sleeping together his ex calls me and tells me everything... his response "oh shit"

And I got a urine infection.hers provably as she had 1 before me. Yay.

Thank you everyone x

Sorry for my grammar / spelling having a little cry to myself.. whys he still in my head... contacted him a few days ago... he very much wants sex would love to spend time together and have fun, very much loves me still APPARENTLY however isn't thinking anything along the lines of rekindling

Hang on, you'd broken up in June but were still planning to move in together the following January? And you didn't see one another for five months after the break up? And you keep making pronouncements about whether your behaviour or his was 'break-up worthy', and you say his was, but then say you were determined to 'fix it' and 'move on', but in your OP, you say you were the one who made a 'mistake' and describe yourself as 'pleading' with him to resume the relationship?

That makes very little sense to me, especially with children involved.

Both your behaviour sounds murky, weirdly illogical and quite juvenile. It's not clear whether either of you regarded yourselves as in a relationship for this period between June and December. I don't think him being or not being a 'good person' is a useful question here. Whether you should be in a relationship with one another is a better way of approaching it, and the answer is clearly no. Don't put your children through this kind of nonsense. Relationships shouldn't be this hard.

But why is this even remotely on the cards for you? Why are you still contacting this flake?

@NeutralIsland No no we broke up July 23. But before we broke up we had plans to move in together Jan 24 obviously not once we had split up.
My reaction to his last boundary breaks with his female friend was abit hysterical I'd say very upset crying and we argued - he left and that was it. I was OTT in my reaction however his behaviour breaking boundaries was bad.
I thought we could fix that at the time with some time together and real conversation about it all in depth without interruptions of the kids and making more time for each other, I was also very stressed at the time and got into a depression hole which I knew I needed to come out of. I made a mistake by reacting OTT - he put the break up on me basically based on my reaction... as I type that I realise how awful that is...

I have no idea why I contacted him a few days ago, I had started to see someone very very briefly and cut it off after seeing red flags I think this made me think of him and good times and miss him and wonder if we could rekindle it. I don't know.

The sex wasn't good at all so it's not even like I'd be having good sex and only sex I have absolutely no idea why this is on the cards in my head but it bloody shouldn't be should it...

Self esteem has obviously damaged beyond buggery

No, he is fundamentally not a good person. Block him and move on; he's not mature enough for a healthy relationship with any woman.

@LifeExperience at the grand age of 42.... sad isn't it...but thank you for validating me

Take control of the situation and block him everywhere. You'll feel so much better. You are worth more than his treatment of you, you need to start believing that. In the 5 months that you were split up, did you have contact with him?

@Cuppachino when he unblocked me we would have a conversation and by conversation I mean me pretty much begging for him to put the work in to fix us and him blaming me for everything then inevitablbly blocking me again....I'd sit there like a fool for months checking to see if I was unblocked again... all the while he went back to his ex who he claimed was an highly abusive dangerous women who used her child to prolong the relationship

After talking to this Ex I deffo would not describe her as anything he said.... haha standard

Yes your right...thank you...I'm such a mess

Self esteem is on the floor

You're absolutely right. No good person would behave like this. He's way, way down the scale of being a good guy.

@MounjaroUser thank you for validating me. I don't trust my own thoughts sometimes and feelings. Childhood and crap experiences I think!

it’s normal to desire sex, that’s human and totally normal. But he doesn’t deserve your headspace.. I’d suggest buy a vibrator, and enjoy that, and get over him.. and get checked for STIs. It’s not your fault he’s a cheating knob, but now you know, it frees you to leave him behind.. sure he ll do it again.. he has a pattern established and is using people. He’s not a project to fix, that’s his job not yours. Hugs, you are Kind fabulous person who deserve best.

Your first question was if he really was a bad person. Yes, he is.
He doesn't care.
You tried, just gave him the chance to take advantage.
Move on, block and delete, no contact.

Stop begging a man to stay with you. If he wants to stay then he will stay. Get some self worth and esteem before you start dating again.

A person who lies and manipulates another is not a good person and is certainly someone you don't want in your life, but more importantly you shouldn't want them in your children's lives.

Block him, move on, and try to figure out why you think so little of yourself. You are worth more than this, you really are.

@Lyracappul "he has a pattern established and is using people" You hit the nail on the head here - thank you - your so right and thank you for your kind words.

@Bittenonce Thank you - i am on it! Doing it!

@LittleGreenDragons thank you - im going to start therapy and address some stuff - self esteem being one of them! I clearly dont think much of myself and havent for a while !

Thank you for all your replies xx

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With cherries on top!