He's lying to me...

[IJustCannotThinkOfAName]

That's it. I'm not really posting advice. I know what my options are. I think I'm posting more to process, decide and understand. But any feedback would be welcomed.

I've been with my partner for 3 years.

There have been a couple of times when I've suspected he wasn't being completely honest with me. I've not said anything at the time because they haven't really been about important things or it was just that a couple of things didnt quite add up/sit right but there was no proof it was a lie and there would have been no point in saying anything because I'd have looked ridiculous.

I have felt more recently though that the weight of these inconsequential 'white' lies has been building. My experience is that, if someone is willing to lie about stuff that doesn't matter, they are definitely going to lie about stuff that does. I've found myself feeling mistrutful of things he has said. Is that true or just what he's telling me?

Last night was the first time that it was obvious and the 'evidence' was right in front of me. It was a stupid thing to lie about. Small and inconsequential (seemingly) but then, why lie?

I did challenge him on it for the first ttime and he just denied it. If he was telling the truth, he's an idiot and he'd have to think I was also one if he thought I was going to believe it.

We've barely spoken since. My mind is racing with other the other little lies (that I still can't bring up because the moment has passed and I still have no proof) and why he would have felt the need to lie last night. I have no idea what he is thinking but he did deep clean the kitchen last night. It looks phenomenal!

Thank you.

I hate the fact it's making me suspicious and mistrustful when I'm neither of those things naturally.

I don't want to get to the point where I'm looking for lies although maybe I'm already there.

I have read the whole thread and what really stood out for me was your post quote above. It seems to me given your history you've already been hurt and damaged by a liar before, and know deep down you don't want more of the same and that you deserve better.

But I also think from your post above that you are wanting to confront him and get to the bottom of it all as a form of closure. You want to understand, hear his truth, so you can say to yourself 'right, that's why. Now I can move on because I know all the answers that he has been hiding from me'.

Closure is a 2 way street. Maybe you need to remember YOU have the power to close that door. You don't need his answers/his reasons/the truth. All you need is to KNOW YOU DESERVE BETTER. His reasons for his lies are in the long term irrelevant- what is relevant is how you choose to live your best life with someone who respects, values and shares themselves with you.

Honestly OP, my advice is just close the door on him. Keep your control and move forwards. Being the unwilling victim of a serial liar is not a good life. I really wish you all the best.

I know. And I know I'd be saying the same to someone else too!

But it's hard when it's you, you know?

I know OP and I really do sympathise. I just hope you can find your way through this without getting more hurt, and find someone who really values and cares for you💐

This. My ex lied over everything little and I don’t trust him with anything now and never will.

Thanks. This is why it's so shit.

I though he was that person but since realising and seeing all these lies, it's made me question absolutely everything he's ever told me and everything we have 😞

OP, I'm so sorry. Your disappointment is palpable.
@AutumnFroglets is correct in her analysis.
It isn't even about how petty and inconsequential the lies can be, but that it is habitual.
As my friend who left a liar said, she couldn't take his word on daylight at the end, even if the sun was clearly shining.....she just no longer trusted a word he said.

Constantly questioning his every word will completely destroy YOUR peace and jeopardise your mental health.

Do not expect confronting him to resolve anything.
He will simply tell you what you wish to hear.

This sounds really hard. My most recent ex was a massive people-pleaser, I think because of taking on caring for parents when young and then having various co-dependent relationships. At first it seemed lovely that he wanted to help me so much with the house etc but it turned out he wasn’t expressing any of his own needs cause he was so focused on mine and was ignoring all his feelings. It actually felt really uncomfortable that he was always saying he was fine, and it made me see people-pleasing from the other perspective (it’s normally me being the ‘rescuer’ and then getting unfairly resentful!)
I’m not sure that this is clouding your judgement but I imagine it’s making things a lot more painful and confusing..

I couldn't disagree with this more.

I never lie to my DH. Never. We agreed early on that honesty was nr 1. Without honesty you don't have a healthy relationship.

There's never a good reason to lie. 'Little white lies' are lies. No lies are 'inconsequential'. Because if you like to someone, no matter how small the lie, they can't trust you.

If you can't trust someone to tell you the truth about small things, you definitely can't trust them to be truthful on the big stuff.

And someone who lies when there is literally no benefit to anyone - like the Ops OH - well you can't trust anything that comes out of their mouth.

Do not expect confronting him to resolve anything.
He will simply tell you what you wish to hear.

Deep down, I know this. I guess I'm just not ready to accept it yet 😞

I have become aware of people pleasing tendencies in my partner too. He doesn't like to upset people or rock the boat. I feel like I never really no what he's feeling because he's always happy or at least neutral. Nothing bothers him. Except, I'm sure it does.

This. You'll never not know it.

How can you trust someone on the big stuff if you know they lie about the small stuff?

You already know the answer to this.

Yeah, I do. It was a rhetorical question really.

Another couple of things have popped into head since. One of them, I posted about on MN at the time.

I think this was last year too. Maybe the year before. I've no concept of the time really.

We were sitting on the sofa and he opened up WA (again!) And I'd glanced over just to see who he was chatting to really. I didn't suspect him of anything. I was just being a bit nosy 🤷🏻‍♀️

On his list, about 3 down, I saw a woman's first name. A young woman's name, not the name of someone of his age group. Not the name of anyone in his family nor any of his friends. And the message contained just one word. "Beautiful!" Sent by him.

I didn't ask him about it because I was stunned. And didn't want to leap straight to - who's that? And look stupid - I mean, it must have been innocent. Right? But it played on my mind and, when we'd gone to bed that night, I did open his messages.

I have never done it before (to anyone), I would never do it again and I'm not proud of it. My heart was racing and I felt sick. Not because of what I might find but because of the huge betrayal in looking. So I don't need telling it was a dick move.

It had gone. No sign of it.

I wondered if I'd misread the name but there was nothing there even similar and no messages where he'd sent a single word. The other messages were to/from me, his mum, his kids and a couple of his friends.

I mentioned it the following day. Not that I'd looked and not that I'd seen it was deleted. But just that I'd seen the message. He panicked. He was confused. He didn't know what I could have seen. He opened his messages and made a big deal of showing me random messages from me, his mum, his daughter and a couple of messages from two weeks previously and asking if it could have been any of those i saw. It definitely wasn't. Just totally bewildered at what I might have seen. He offered me his phone to look through to see if I recognised any of the names/messages. I refused. I already knew it was gone.

At this point in the relationship, I had absolutely no reason to doubt him. So I thought either I had been mistaken after all (except that I also knew I wasn't) or that, whatever it was he had done, maybe this would shock him into not doing it again.

But, yeah, I'd forgotten that.

We were supposed to be going to a gig together tonight and meeting some of his friends there.

We've barely spoken all day still. Not ignoring each other. We've just kept out of each other's way I suppose.

Anyway, I haven't gone. He asked why and I just said I didn't feel like it, but I don't want to spend time with him supposedly having fun when every time I look at him I'm thinking, "You're lying to me."

I don't think he was very happy that I didn't go though.

You do not need to over explain that you never snoop and you are really ashamed. You are a couple and whilst hes entitled to privacy you are entitled to respect. I also never went through my exes phones but i have snooped on his. Hes also shooved it at me in rows to go through it. I point out stuff can be deleted.

My bf nipped to my house once with my keys when i was at his. He wanted some pain killers. It was a 20 minute walk there. 5 mins in my house..20 min walk back. It took him 50 minutes to walk back. Hes also desperately needed a can of juice all of a sudden several times and had to pop out. It was drugs in his case.

I'm with you on this op. Your gut knows listen to it. Don't be a willing victim.xx