Husbands affair

[Itsnew]

I have no idea what I'm expecting from this but I found out today that my husband has been having an affair since last year and I feel completely broken. I just had this gut feeling for ages that something seemed off so I snooped. Found messages, photos, everything. It looks like they were seeing each other for 2-3 months last year and then stopped for a few months but he reached out to her in April and they started meeting again. I haven't got the fully story and no idea how they met yet as he's left the house and won't answer the phone but I know she's younger, 26-27 (he's 37) and lives about 5 minutes from us. She knew he was married too as there were messages from her to him saying "just tell her your going to the shop" and asking him when he could sneak out

Sorry you're experiencing hurt from your husband's affair.

I had a similar thread and what I did was. Kicked him out filed for divorce. It's not only the affair. It's the betrayal and mistrust that follows.

No right or wrong. All I advise is. Lick your wounds and look after you.

Sorry again.

I'm sorry! What a low life!!
Do you have a friend or someone who can come & be with you?

I'm so, so sorry this is happening with you. I totally understand that gut wrenching feeling you are experiencing.

Do you have someone in real life you can talk to?

Lots of people on here can give you helpful advice around "getting your ducks in a row" but as this is so raw, you need a little time to come to terms with it. Cry. Sob. Scream. Do what you need to. We're here with you and you will get through this, even if right now that seems impossible.

Thank you and I do have family and a couple of close friends but I'm not sure if I want them to know yet. I just feel so embarrassed by his behaviour. We have two children together too

Don't be embarrassed. This is entirely on him, not you. He is the one who ought to be mortified.

Does he know you know?

I'm so sorry. Go to chumplady.com. It is a blog and support community for people who have been cheated on. I found it invaluable for my healing. I left him and it was the best decision I ever made.

It's just such an awful experience to go through.

You must be reeling with shock.

Take your time. You don't have to tell anyone just yet but it might help if you do.

I didn't tell people at first because I didn't want to split up and I didn't want their judgment. I was terrified of splitting up.

However, your h has betrayed you. He's hurt you in the worst way. He won't change.

Can you chat to a solicitor about what you can expect from a divorce?

The most important thing is that you protect yourself and your dcs from this awful behaviour. It's cruel and shattering.

So sorry you're enduring this. But there is light on the other side. I promise.

I’m so sorry you must be in emotional free fall.
As much as we can say don’t be embarrassed I can 100% recognise that feeling. I will say this though I told no one because I was so humiliated and embarrassed even though I wasn’t the one that cheated.
i almost convinced myself that if I said nothing it would all be a dream / nightmare and I could manage it all in my own way.
I became very ill. If there is anyone in RL that you can approach or at least begin to verbalise what’s happened. It’s the start of the taking back control over a situation that you and your children have been thrown in.
Ultimately you must put yourself first and the children’s welfare will automatically follow. What that looks like is for you to plan now for a future that will look and feel very different. FYI: he’d be out on his ear says the women who took 9 months to verbalise to STBXH he had to leave. Just know that you will begin to get clarity and strength but right now this is survival mode.

As well as chump lady go to surviving infidelity forum - particularly the “just found out” section

Does he know that you know? First thing first, get screenshots or photos of the messages. Then copies of as much paperwork as you can so you know where the money and assets are. Then contact your friend/family for support and then contact a solicitor - not necessarily to initiate a divorce but for initial advice so you know where you stand, whatever you decide to do. Good luck.

Firstly, there is absolutely nothing for you to feel embarrassed about, he is the one behaving like a cunt, not you. Whatever he might say, this is ALL ON HIM and nothing to do with anything you did or did not do. Second, have a look at Surviving Infidelity, like a pp said. Thirdly, tell someone IRL. This has happened to most of us - you are not alone and you will get through it xxxxx

No shame on you sweetheart. He's a cunt.

Similar experience here. So sorry op, I know it hurts. I too kicked him out, filed for divorce, and am now getting my life back to a happier place. Once the trust has gone, the relationship is doomed I think. Protect yourself and your kids.
PS don’t be embarrassed, this is all on him.

I second this

Sending hugs as I am sure you will feel like the floor has opened up and you are in free fall.
Please take the advice of telling at least 1 or 2 people IRL as that will be so important for your mental health. It can be someone a bit separate from your day to day life, if that’s possible, if you are not wanting close friends to know. Also try to find out about your financial situations & visit a solicitor for advice. It helps to know your rights as he could leave or you may decide he should leave.
Evidence of the affair won’t impact any post separation agreement (I don’t believe) but it’s useful to force him to admit it (as some do deny it). Remember you can’t unknow things though so if you are trying to uncover the extent try to be rational about whether you really want to know.

There is no need to rush into anything. You just need to get through each day currently. Has he indicated that he wants to leave the marriage? There is no need to feel embarrassed. This is a very very common situation. It's not your failing - it's his.

Another vote for chumplady - the book, website and Facebook group has kept me sane these past 2 years.

So sorry he’s done this to you. What a horrible bastard.

Oh god, this is awful. I imagine he’s gone to her. He’s a cunt. This is not in you.

What an arsehole he is. So sorry you’re dealing with this crap. Honestly I did the same as you and didn’t tell anyone. Bad idea. I needed some support in retrospect and I thought I could deal with my feelings alone and I just put a lot of pressure on myself to get over it. I couldn’t.

Quite honestly I wish I’d got rid of him straight away and saved myself a lot of stress. I couldn’t trust him ever again and I felt bad about myself being around him. Let her have him! If he’s done it to you, he’ll do it to her.

Chump Lady is incredible.
It used to be that the dominant narrative was that cheating is the fault of the cheated on person for not making the cheater "happy." I've noticed that's changing and CL is a big part of that.

I'm so sorry you are going through this. Feck him.

Tell them straight away. You have nothing to hide. You do not have any reason to feel ashamed. This is really important. You do not need to feel obliged to protect him. He will try and guilt you into doing this. He is the guilty one and he bloody should be. There is absolutely nothing you have done or could have done that has “made” him stick his penis into this woman. He CHOSE to do this. Tell your friends and tell your family because you do not deserve to suffer alone. You need support and do not deserve the pain inflicted by your weak husband who is clearly not in pain at all, but rather enjoying his entitled little self.

Also while he is gone legally separate. (You don’t have to advise him and you don’t have to move onto divorce, but it will protect you later. You can look online and get fabulous AI forms to help you at no cost.) Get copies of all bank details, his pensions, mortgages, credit cards, loans,car payments, business loans, transfer half of any cash in joint bank accounts to your own bank accounts, etc.

Hi , just came across your post , wondering how you've been since x