6th Dec 2023, I was working from home, my twin girls 11yrs, were at school. There was a knock at the door, being so close to Christmas I assumed it was the post with another package...I couldn't have been more wrong. Opening the door I was confronted by two Police officers. A million thoughts went through my head as they both (one female and one male) took off their hats and asked if they could come in. I think at that precise moment my mind left my body, as before they even told me why they were there I knew from the bottom of my soul, life would never be the same again. My girls father, my Ex-husbsnd, had taken his own life in the most brutal way and all I could think about is how am I going to tell my baby girls that their dad has gone. They were going to be home from school in a couple of hours and how do a navigate a conversation that is going to change their life forever. I called the Smaritans whilst in shock, after the officers left and I quite literally picked myself up off the floor. He suffered with mental health throughout our marriage and after the death of my dad from cancer in lock-down who was living with us at the time, things just spiralled. I needed support as a full time working mum of 3 children, my father's death hit so hard after looking after him throughout his illness but my husbands demons were so entrenched there was nothing left so we seperated and divorced. We remained friends and I continued to support him him even though I was suffering with my own grief. We are a haay family moving on with the life as a unit but I have PTSD from that day the officers turned up and so many unaswered questions as no note was left. My children are my main focus and helping them navigate through their transition from Primary to Secondary school and all that entails. But at times I wish I could talk to someone who has navigated this path so I don't feel so lost when I can't switch of my mind and sleep. I'm so lucky, I have a wonderful family and friends but an emptiness when it comes to coming to terms with loss and grief. Most days are really good some days it's all very overwhelming and Father's Day was one of those. A first for the girls and the 3rd for me