Scared of going it alone - tell me the reality please

[whatsallthisthenhey]

I've gone to bed feeling utterly miserable yet again. Things have been bad for years. We're not a team. I just get constant digs. I never feel good enough, my contribution is pitiful, my needs don't matter.

We're tired, we snipe, we stop communicating. He won't do counselling.

I'm sure I have my faults too.

We have a 3yo DC and I worry about the impact on them.

But I feel crippled. I don't dare make the decision to leave. I worry I'd regret it and not cope on my own. I'm not very practical. I don't know if I could run everything on my own. I worry how I'd manage financially. How I'd juggle work and DC.

We have a lovely house but I couldn't afford to buy DH out. If we sold, we wouldn't find another like it. I hate the idea of leaving here but I don't know if we can go on like this forever.

I don't want to be away from DC but equally don't know how I'd do it all on my own.

I'm scared of having no back up at all.

Please tell me the reality of going it alone.

We have a 3yo DC and I worry about the impact on them

Are you worried about the impact on DC of having an utterly miserable mother who is undermined by their father?

I'm scared of having no back up at all

What family and friends do you have? do they know you're miserable and defeated and at the end of your tether?

Of course I worry about that. I know how important these formative years are and I'm wracked with guilt about which is the least worst option.

I have a mum who would like to help but there are limitations. Friends know things aren't great, and it's easy for them to think I should just leave, but they have supportive husbands and good marriages. It's easy telling other people what they should do with their lives but I'm the one that will have to live it.

Op it won't be easy. But you will dig deep and find yourself. May I suggest you write a list of the positives and negatives of leaving??? If you stay and are unhappy your child will notice that. Or do you start on your own and be happy?? Because that's what it will come down to. I've been there so I know what it's like. Please contact me directly if you need to chat x 🫂💐🫂

I'm worried I won't be any happier on my own. Just a different sort of unhappiness, with the added difficulties of all the responsibilities on my shoulders.

That's why I'm looking for honest insights of life as a single mother.

I'm worried I won't be any happier on my own. Just a different sort of unhappiness, with the added difficulties of all the responsibilities on my shoulders

Yes this nails it pretty much. It's one type of unhappiness replacing another. I'm three years in after leaving a very unhappy and toxic marriage. I really have dug deep to keep going for my DC but it's not easy, working full time, running a household, thinking and doing everything and being the best mum you can be for DC. It's incredibly lonely at times. No one to share the emotional highs and lows. No one to share the Friday nights with. Being the odd one out at school and knowing your DC have to explain their circumstances to friends who question why they don't live with both their mummy and daddy. Having to pack your DC things for them to stay at their dads.

The simplest thing is incredibly hard to do and requires so much planning and even then some times things just go tits up and you are the only one to sort it. All that housework? It's just you or outsource it if you can afford it. Get sick? Deal with it and hope you can still cook dinner for the DC. Busy schedule at work? You still have to get the work done but you can't stay late as there's no one to pick up the DC. Think you have friends and family support? Wait till they hear you're getting divorced and see who your real friends are.

That said, I no longer get enraged and resentful about being stuck in an unhappy marriage with no love and with the fear of being trapped in a bad marriage into old age and being forced to work my arse off at home and work whilst the other person is lazy in all areas of life. I no longer have to plead, nag, beg and get angry at things not being done, living in absolute mess and chaos with a man child. I no longer have to put up with a husband who stares at young women wherever we go. My DC are thriving. I am earning enough to support me and DC.

But it is both exhausting and very lonely.

You are right to say that it's very easy for people to say LTB. I really would suggest taking a lot of time and consideration over your options and try your best to talk to people who do care about you if that is possible. I did not have this unfortunately.

OP I think the answer is obvious, if your husband is abusive towards you, including emotional abuse and coercive control, not necessarily only physical abuse, then of course being a single mother will be easier and you need to leave ASAP.

But if your husband isn't abusive towards you and your child then I'm not sure if it will be easier being a single mother. In this case, it may worth trying therapy on your own and see why you are so unhappy even when everything in your life seems pretty ok? Work from there and try to make changes in your own life to make you happy. Of course if it won't work, you can always file for divorce later and see if it will bring more happiness in your life.

Only because you have a husband you can't 100% rely on him to make you happy and meet all your emotional needs. You still need to do the work for yourself in order to be happy with your own life.

For me it's not clear from your post why you think your marriage is the problem, and not something else...?

Dreamlifeyears has summed it up well. The juggle of trying to get everything done on your own, financial pressures & loneliness. My ex is heavily involved in the DCs lives which has a lot of benefits for them but means a lot of interaction, me bitting my tongue & not feeling truly free. I have met someone else who is lovely but it isn’t easy to find time as we both put our DCs first. I would say that my DCs haven’t been negatively impacted by the split (but maybe I’m deluded). They are very happy at both homes & are well supported by the adults in their life. School are very happy with their progress & teachers have said they wouldn’t have know their parents were separated. We have all worked hard to achieve this though. I know others where the ex isn’t so involved & makes things very difficult.

I left when dd was 2.

Initially I was depressed due to the ending of family unit etc. but now I’m far far more happier & content on my own.

Ex has her every other weekend & half school hols- gives me a break/social life. He pays maintenance tho I have to send reminders at times.

I work but there’s support available UC. We’re in a small house but made very homely & pretty &’lovely- no man to ruin that or clean up after!

It can work as long as you look after yourself really well to ensure you have the strength to single parent. Self care when chance, dint be hard on yourself, get counselling if needed, make time for family/friends.

Sounds like you’d be making the hardest but best decision for you & dc…can you really live your life as you are much longer? You are miserable. Your child will be too. Go for it & never look back! 💐

Lone parent here.

I can tell you the relief I felt when I left I still remember 14 years later.

My life became peaceful, no longer walking on eggshells.

Now whilst it was sometimes challenging doing everything, working full time etc, I wouldn't have stayed for anything, not a house and certainly not for money. Life has been so much better without him in it.

You are stronger than you think.