Husband has female best friend - should I be worried?

[user1497885219]

Hi all. So my husband of almost 8 years (14 years together) has got close to a female friend. I’ve never ever been the jealous type, but this doesn’t sit right with me.

They work in the same industry together, but not directly colleagues. They have to go away for conferences, work related stuff once or twice a month. Anyway, he called her his “best mate” a few weeks back and it just didn’t sit right with me. At all. We have 2 children together, never ever had a single ounce of doubt in my mind about his fidelity. Until now - it’s not him I have the trust issue with, it’s her. She’s married, not necessarily happily but stil, marriage none the less with a child, she never ever wears a wedding ring. Her and my husband post funny videos together, they have a connection which after 15 years of being together, I now don’t feel we have at the moment.

any advice? I’ve now had 3 friends, all from different friendship groups asking me if I’m ok after seeing the latest “best friend” comment on social media. I’m fine; but I’m being made to feel like the third wheel. I’m feeling like the outsider and I don’t like it one bit.

I truly love my husband, and never ever had a scrap of doubt in my mind about him. But this woman a) is trying to be my friend and b) wants to be liked by everyone - she’s never ever out with her husband to functions, meet ups etc, he’s always “busy”. It’s like she gets a kick out of being besties with other peoples husbands.

thanks for reading.

I wouldn't like it, it is your husband you need to be angry with, I wouldn't put up with this, it would be over as it is a big betrayal

You say it's her you have the trust issue with, but he's the one you are married to! Yes it does sound a bit like he's hiding in plain sight about his feelings for her. I would be very wary.

Personally, I'd invite her round with her husband and see how their 'best friend' dynamic holds up with partners there?
I reckon that would tell you all you need to know.

Absolutely this. I have a male best friend, I quickly introduce him to anyone I date that I think might have a future so that they know him from the start and see first hand how obviously platonic it is!

Its wrong and always will be. Can we wager this woman is of above average attractiveness? Its funny its never the ugly ones.

Yeah thats why youre still dating, most men run a mile if a woman has a male best friend.

‘Best friend videos’ sounds unattractively juvenile, but hardly evidence of infidelity, nor is not wearing a wedding ring. I never wear one. I have male close friends I have zero desire to sleep with. I’d focus on your marriage and your husband.

I would have a frank conversation and tell him their friendship is having a negative impact on you and your marriage. Its fine to have friends of the opposite sex but this seems up a notch and a bit flirty

Everyone is different, but this wouldn’t be normal in my relationship at all. My dh wouldn’t do it and neither would I. I work almost solely with men, always have done and I get on with some of them extremely well, but the “best friends” shit is too much, You need to tell him you are uncomfortable. How he reacts will tell you what you need to know.

@user1497885219, I would be very uncomfortable with their relationship and would address this asap. No wonder you’re feeling marginalized. Your H has opened a window to this woman and is pouring an abundance of emotional energy, time and attention into their connection. He has now announced their closeness on SM, and I sense a frisson/buzzy intensity/escalation. Others do too.

He is playing with fire on a slippery slope and needs to shut it down. Address your discomfort and be definitive that it’s not on. If he chooses to dismiss your feelings, you will know where his priorities lie and can act accordingly.

Ah, the old chestnut where women can have male best friends, and if men have anything against it, they're called controlling, but men can't have women best friends.

You said she wants to be friends with you, so she's suggested meeting up? Maybe invite her and a group round for a barbecue?

Your friends asking whether you're OK by the comment sound like they're stirring.

If you do truly trust your husband, then your insecurity here could very well push him away. MN will automatically jump on the not trusting him, he's hiding things line... basically, you're unlikely to get any affirmations here, you'll feel worse, and larger cracks will show. You need to stop hiding and meet her, but without it seeming like jealousy.

@Sookafatwan I think that's actually a disgusting view and men with views like that are no loss

Yep.
my DHs best friend and my best friend and their respective wife and husband visit our home frequently.
they are also part of our lives, not compartmentalised.

I’d be inviting his “best friend” and husband over for a nice long barbecue one weekend soon to get to know them better. That will give you the lay of the land

Ooh so she’s going to steal away your husband. Is he a little dandelion blown by the wind with no agency?

Shes asking to meet you, invite her around.

Definitely this, suggest they make one of their bestie videos at it..

If he's calling her his best mate then she's probably just one of the boys. Hold onto the fact that he talks about her.

Invite her over so you can get to know her. As pp suggested, a BBQ or just wine and nibbles. Invite others so no one has to feel singled out.

ATM, you're projecting a whole load of stuff onto her when you don't really know how things are. You never know, she may be lovely and his work wife.

And of the hussy has got her claws into him, you can always chip away with ridicule.