Stag do holiday with zero contact.

[Linda42]

my partner for 14 years went away to Spain from a Friday 7am to Monday evening stag holiday. He was acting very strange before he left and he sent one text to say he had landed in Spain. I have had zero contact from him the whole trip.

The last time he went on a boys month trip to America I found out he had lied and he went to strip clubs/hooters. He actually made up this story of how unwell he felt so he stayed behind. Since he made up a big lie and kept that from me I don’t really trust him.

when his with his friends his flirtatious and I have seen photos of past trips and nights out and I haven’t really been pleased.
“quite holiday with friends” photos of everyone taking their clothes off jumping in a pool with women riding inflatable penis.
photos of women resting her arm over his crotch area as if leaning. Him eith his face inches away from a womens chest.

He also can drink a lot.

he has told me it’s a “ quite stag do with a few drinks and food”.

I explained to him I felt uneasy with this trip and explained why. He gaslighted me and told me I was ridiculous and controlling to have even mentioned it.

can I have some advice, am I right? Is he right, is there a stag to that’s really “quite”.
am I right for feeling I don’t trust him.
I really could do with some advice.

Did you try to text him and he didn’t reply or were you waiting for communication from him? I think that makes a difference because he’s likely to have been busy with organised activities whether it was a quiet stag do or a messy one, so may just not have thought about it if you hadn’t reached out.

However, if you’ve had previous cause for concern on similar occasions and have expressed some concern this time or you’d texted him, he should have made the effort to reassure you and communicate with you.

I didn’t text him as he had made it very clear that women that text partners when away is controlling. I feel like he makes these statements to control the situation. Due to this I haven’t reached out to him. As soon as he left his friends he texted me but I feel like his misbehaved and now it’s over he is ok to message me. He is aware I don’t trust him due to his lies and behaviour so you would think he would want to reassure me.

Sounds like a bit of a red flag to me - I would hope a partner would text occasionally during a whole weekend to check in!

Unfortunately, I don’t know how you’ll get to the bottom of it because it doesn’t sound like you’ll trust his responses and there’s no proof he’s done anything wrong.

If trust is an issue though and for good reason,
you’ll have to assess whether you can stay in a relationship where things like this will crop up and make you feel like you feel now. And whether you can accept his word on things. If not, is this the relationship for you?

If I saw
Pictures with my partner and women leaning on him after 14 years I would be fuming shows little respect for ur feelings no way are u being controlling he has lost ur trust by even doing that!!!! How disrespectful towards u!!! How would he react if u went out and some man was laying on ur lap or hand near ur chest !!!!! Men like this make me sick !!! He's a walking red flag and sorry but to even entertain another women and allowing them to lay on him or what ever is basically showing u he don't give a shit about ur feelings !! Dunno how ur being so calm in this situation. Maybe u should go out for the weekend and have no contact and see how he likes it

@Linda42 🔴🇨🇳
red flags all over his thread
who the hell has no time to text his girlfriend at least once a day to say good night or good morning ? Bullshit , if he cared he would take 20 seconds of his day to message his girlfriend . This all sounds soooo fishy ! Him saying girls who text when bf is on holiday are controlling , NO darling , it’s called love and making sure each of you are okay and had a good day/night ! It’s not like you going to text him saying “ hey you , have you cheated on me yet ?” ridiculous !
how is this controlling when you message him to say , hey baby I love you , I hope you having a nice day ?! You been brainwashed my girl .
To me it sounds like he wants to cheat and be unfaithful , and doesn’t want you ringing or texting while he’s doing you dirty with another girl ! Probably claims he’s single and don’t want phone ringing .
how the hell do you even trust him when he’s lied to you before and been to strip clubs ect ? It’s like he’s laughing in your face and isn’t even trying to hide it , taking pics with the girls like you have mentioned ?!
are you really this insecure to let him treat you like a doormat ?

Is he there now or was it last week?

A quiet stag do!! In Spain!! Dont be silly. EVerything you can imagine will happen on a stag do will probably happen, just hope he's one of the quieter ones that doesnt get too involved.

I really do appreciate all the messages, as I am feeling a bit pulled in two ways.

the things I mentioned with the strip club/hooters and the photos all happened many years ago but as his very secretive I wouldn’t know if anything happened after these.
the leaning thing happened at a wedding and the wedding photo showed a bridesmaid resting her arm over his lap. I was very upset with all of these things but he states that his done nothing wrong and it’s me being controlling and “aggressive”.

when I found out he had made up a huge lie about staying in unwell while his friends when out strip club/hooters which I’m against he stated he lied because of the way that I would react.

I think because I don’t go out and all I do is work and look after my child his taking advantage.

there is no way he had a quite stag weekend, no way. Also I think it’s funny he messages me after the stag weekend but not during. I think that’s rude. Am I over reacting with this?

Im disappointed in him and the way he throws everything back at me.

@Linda42 you are not overreacting !!! Why was u not at the wedding ? Is the child his? Girl u need some self worth.... he sounds like a sneaky man who couldn't care less about u. I really hope u don't let him walk all over u and start taking some control back as it sounds like he can do what he wants when he wants ! U been together 14 years and he still acts like this!! I really hope it works out for u but u need to put ur foot down!! My partner would never not talk to me at a stag he's been to plenty of stag dos and sent me pictures of his night and rang me when he got back tp the hotel FaceTimed me and fallen asleep on FaceTime it's just normal behaviour when ur in a relationship to make the other person feel safe protected and secure. I've been on hen Doos and he's the first thing I think of !!!

Sending hugs

Men cant really message all the time on a stag cos theyl get ribbed. Its one of the last true blokey things left, a few nights boys only. Youd still expect a morning and night text though just so you know he's alive.

Most of it will be drinking, eating, bad jokes, karaoke, dressing up and more drinking. There's always 1 or 2 who will cop off with a barmaid and there may be a lap dancing bar, but its par for the course.

His still out there but his family live out there so his gone to see them after.
I think if it was the “quiet, only a few drinks” as he said he would have sent a message or two.

I think his being very rude, if his on holiday I do get a text but on this stag do nothing. As soon as you leave the stag do on your way to your parents I get a text. I think that feels not right.

Op, your tying yourself in knots over his behaviour.

It ultimately comes down to the fact you do not trust him. If there is no trust then your relationship is over. It might limp on for a while, but its over.

Show yourself mercy and just end it.

What do you get out of this relationship now?.

We’re you very young and or vulnerable yourself (in terms of having poor boundaries and or little to no life experience) when you and he met?.

You’re tying yourself up in knots to accept the unacceptable. If you did even a one hundredth of this on a hen do he would not be at all forgiving of you so the double standards here are very much present. It’s one rule for him and quite another for you. What is still keeping you with him?.

If anyone’s being rude, controllong and aggressive here it’s him and not you. You also mention the words my child, is this child his?. I would be thinking long and hard what you want to be teaching this young person about relationships and what he or she is learning here from you both. This is no relationship model to be showing them.

If there is no trust there is no relationship. He’s taking you for a fool and he sees you merely as the little woman at home who only goes out to work and looks after her child. He has no respect for you whatsoever.

The lack of contact is not the real issue. Others have expressed it better than I could.

Regarding the photos- how would he react if he saw similar photos of similar poses, except it was you doing these things to random men on a hen do?

There's your answer.

I agree with a PP- you are role-modelling adult relationships to your child. Do you want them to think this level of respect and partnership is normal and what they should accept themselves?

@Linda42 everything you say as a whole sounds like a big red flag. Also the fact he’s not contacted you once! I’ve recently started seeing someone and he had a pre booked holiday with his mates so he’s also in Spain right now for a long weekend but he’s been contacting me quite a bit! It really doesn’t sound great and I would be asking yourself what you get out of this relationship?

You don't trust him so why are you still with him?

Sorry but he just sounds like an absolute arsehole!

It’s not ok not to contact you, I have no idea why anyone would even thing that’s ok, especially if you have a child.

And he is gaslighting you with all this controlling nonsense.

I suspect if you got rid of this waste of space you’d soon realise that you’d had a lucky escape!

His very laid back and sensible around me but I have seen the photos of him out without me so I know what he can be like.

I met him after having a baby on my own. I was in an abusive relationship and when I found out I was pregnant I left and some years later met this guy.
I kept my child’s life very separate for many many years due to him clearly not on the same page as me in regards to settling down.

it doesn’t matter if his away on a work trip or visiting his family he messages most days of not everyday. But him not messaging me at all is upsetting me. He also knows I was very unhappy about this trip due to him lying before and then blaming me.

the truth is he doesn’t give me anything in this relationship, his never done anything sweet like buying or sending flowers I have done that to him. He emotionally supports me in the way he usually is always there which I have needed.
I went out for the first time in years this week which after he was as a bit off with me. I messaged him in the morning but chose not to throughout the day but called him as soon as I was back.

I feel like I’m at home and his being so disrespectful to me.

My dh went away on Thursday
only contact has been him forwarding an email
doesnt concern me in the least
not contacting is not an issue at all

if you are concerned probably more reflective if wider relationship issues

@Linda42 so when you go out once he’s ‘off’ with you but when he goes away you’re ‘controlling’? I’m sorry but this is another abusive relationship you’d be better off out of.

I’m sorry but this is another abusive relationship you’d be better off out of.

This.

He sounds like a dick.

It’s really good to get other people views on a situation that I genuinely have been told is normal but it just doesn’t feel right.
I feel I'm in a situation that I have needed the emotional support even though that’s drip fed. I am lacking the kindness and love part. He tried to call for only two or three rings and sent one text message once he wasn’t with the stag do anymore.
there are a few there married and I think they would have spoken or message their wives. I think what you all have pointed out is I don’t trust him. He has done little things throughout these 14 years which I have found to be disrespectful towards me, including the lies. How can I trust a man that makes up a full blown story of why he didn’t go out with his friends one night to make him look like he didn’t attend the strip club. I just don’t trust him.

He is cheating that's what he is doing grow up